What language do they speak at the centre of the earth?
I wore a kilt to my first therapy appointment today. Within seconds of sitting down to talk, the therapist told me I was mentally ill
His exact words were "I can clearly see your nuts"
I got arrested by the Department of Animal Welfare for trying to acquire several crows to raise as pets.
They charged me with attempted murder.
We should have been able to predict the fall of the Soviet Union a lot sooner.
There were a lot of red flags.
I took my daughter to her swimming lesson yesterday and the leisure centre absolutely stank.
It turns out that all of the other parents were also dropping their kids off at the pool.
So I hired this dude to count people in the Bible for me. How many Noah's are there. How many Moseses. That sort of thing. Well, today, he stopped about halfway through. I'm sad to say that I had to let him go.
I mean, he only had one Job.
What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December?
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
I'm sure he'll come around, eventually.
TIL the swordfish has no natural predators to be afraid of, except for...
...the penfish, which is thought to be mightier.
Every day, a doctor would go to the same bar and order a chestnut daiquiri. One day, the bartender ran out of chestnut and used hickory instead. The doctor came in, sipped it, and exclaimed, “Ew! What is this?!”. The bartender replied:
“That’s a hickory daiquiri, doc!”
What's the opposite of a croissant?
He was renting the Tardis all along
Going to be a father in May so I’m practicing— Why did the duck get kicked out of class?
For quacking jokes
EDIT: this joke did wayyy better than I expected lol. Thank you all for the words of encouragement, awards, and corny jokes to follow up! I’m excited to make my family cringe for years to come
So I just found out that Chad Kroeger from Nickelback, loves to taking part in Nativity plays. He’s been a shepherd, the inn keeper and one year, he even played the rear end of the donkey...
But he never made it as a wise man
When the Magi offered up their gifts of gold and frankincense to the baby Jesus, Mary was overcome with gratitude and began thanking them profusely.
"But wait," they said, "there's myrrh!"
In 2022, the Oxford Dictionary is updating the spelling of hats to HATS
TIL that the Ancient Romans had four types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III instantly killed the victim upon contact.
Poison IV, though, just made the victim extremely itchy.
How do you measure the magnitude of the pun in a dad joke?
With a sighsmograph
Edit: Wow, you guys, Thank-you the the awards and upvotes. If only my family appreciated this joke as much as you do!
I was on a journey with Yoda and I asked him if we were going in the right direction
He said, ‘off course, we are’.
Ah to work in IT, one of the few fields you can work with a stripper without worrying the wife!
What is the capital of Poland?
As i child i was forced to walk the plank
We couldn't afford a dog...
My wife and I always fight over the right way to hang the toilet paper roll, so our therapist suggested we try the other person's way for a week.
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!” I replied, “Sure, it does.”
“It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
My Wizard friend asked me to proof read one of his scrolls the other day...
Well, it was more of a spell check actually
Lord of the Rings (Background sets not included)
A stone and a stick face each other after a long journey, and the stone says;
"I'm a-stone-ished you stuck out this far!"
I told my daughter that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning. She asked me...
“How do you know it was on it’s way to work?”
I wanted to learn the basics of binary so I bought a book titled Binary 101...
Sadly it was useless. It was the 5th in the series.
They warned me not to lean over the edge of that tower in Paris.
Father of six here… my kids love dad jokes at the dinner table. Mom is less enthusiastic. Today, my eleven year old decided to get in on the action: “what are twins favorite fruits?”
Pears… And then he proceeded to fall out of his chair laughing. Meanwhile mom wants to know how she could’ve tested for this before getting in too deep.
Accordian to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments often goes undetected…
In the Netherlands, beef sales are falling so, in order to improve the quality of meat as well as sales, the cows bred for meat are being given cannabis plants to eat instead of grass.
It’s safe to say that the steaks have never been higher
Two doctors are standing at the end of two parallel piers. Which one do you go to in a medical emergency?
It’s quite the pair of docs on a pair of docks paradox.
I got locked out of the house today. I tried talking to the lock.
Turns out that communication wasn’t key
Gahndi was pretty well known for walking barefoot most of the time, which left his feet cracked and dry, as well his fasting is said to have brought enlightenment but also made him frail, and probably also bad breath.
I guess you could say he was a super calloused fragile mystic vexed with halitosis
My sister told me to take the spider out instead of killing him......
so we went in a bar, had a few beer's it was fun.. it turns out he was a web designer
^(idk if this counts or not.. This was told to me by a customer) "For 50 years of being married, me and the lady only had ONE fight...
A math major’s girlfriend is equal to the square root of -100
A perfect 10 but also imaginary
Whats the hardest part of 15 days to flatten the curve?
So this dog walks into the job centre...
...goes up to the desk and says, "Excuse me, could you help me find some employment?".
The guy behind the desk jumps to his feet and says, "Wow, yes, a talking dog, we can get you a job at the circus!"
The dog looks at him and says, "What would the circus want with a plumber?"
Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
What is the opposite of telekinesis?
My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store.
I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.
A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he’s needs a drink so he goes to a local bar He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks “ you ain’t from around here are you?”
“No sir,” He says, “I’m from Minnesota”
“ What the hell do you do in Minnesota” the bartender asks.
“Im a taxidermist!” The man replies.
“What the hell is that!?” The bartender asks.
The guy says nervously “ I umm, mount dead animals”
The bartender smiles and shouts out to the whole bar “ it’s ok fellas, he’s one of us!”
What do they do to drivers who break the speed of light?
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
I’m sure he’ll come around, eventually.
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