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Safe to say there was sudden sighsmic shift in the the room afterwards.
But, I think everyone would come as surgeons.
This is the part that may need work...
But I forgot the punchline.
We have a minifridge we stocked with beer for the party, and I put a sign on the fridge that says "BOO-ze"
My roommate just shook his head and walked away.
"What do you get when you cross Elton John and a saber-tooth tiger?
...I dunno, but keep it away from your ass!"
I created an account just to post this glorious moment: My grandpa met my new boyfriend and this happened...
How do you catch a dinosaur? Dig a hole, fill it with ashes. Surround the hole with peas. When the dinosaur stops to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole!
I'd never seen him be four.
they will never get you laid.
He walked into my room and says, "Hey dad, can you take a picture of me?"
I thought it was a weird request, but said, "Sure."
As I'm reaching for my phone, he pulls out a framed picture of himself from behind his back he had taken off one of our shelves, hands it to me, and says, "Ok, thanks!" and walks out without even cracking a smile.
I stared at that picture for a few seconds in proud silence.
*edit/update* Wow... I woke up this morning and noticed a ton of notifications. This made my 10 year old very happy so thank you. And thank you for the awards as well. Totally unexpected and unnecessary but very appreciated.
it's a real who dung it
They shellabrate
They'll respond: "Lay eggs, bro."
Now I’m homeless
Upon rewatching the episode I was shocked to find it was 30 minutes long.
For all the party poopers!
The punchlines are just too long.
That's because they're coughy filters.
Because the ghosts bring all the boos!
Dad: Whatcha reading?
Me: Just Reddit
Dad: Well if you already read it why are you reading it again?! (Nudges me) Get it?? Hahahaha
Me: (rolls eyes) Ha.Ha.
Country
The company I work for was having their annual Christmas party, but this time on Zoom for obvious reasons, and they asked me to host. I panicked as I had no idea how I would keep the crowds' spirits high. So I came to this sub and used a lot of you guys' dad jokes. Being a dad myself I thought it would work out. And it did! Your jokes killed! I just wanted to say a sincere thank you to all the submissions on this sub. The jokes on here are gold.
But everyone there was laughtose intolerant.
and yet according to Kraft Dinner, I’m a 4-person family
Unfortunately they had to cancel. Luckily I found a replacement at the last minute. This new guy was amazing. He looked the part, sang all the songs exactly, and even his mannerisms were spot on.
After the party I went up to the replacement and asked how much I owed him for the gig. He said, "Don't worry mate, I'm pro Bono."
You just say to your family member - "Did you hear someone in the family is part owl?"
They'll reply with "who?" And you look at them with a raised eyebrow.
Tell this joke over dinner if youd like to be the life of the party. You're welcome.
Dad: Did you hear about the new crime wave happening in town?
Everyone: No! What is it?
Dad: People are breaking into houses stealing toilets.
Everyone: Wow, that is so weird. Who would do something like that and why?
Dad: Yeah the cops said they have nothing to go on.
Everyone: UGHHHH
So I was at a birthday party with my son and as the birthday boy's father is cutting the cake with Happy Birthday written on it, he asks "Who wants the piece with Pee Pee on it?"
Yesterday was my birthday and my family took me out for lunch. My cousin has a 2 year old son and they were horsing around. One thing led to another and his son bumped his head on a lamp. After a few seconds he started crying and everybody stopped talking. I look over at my cousin and say "He'll be fine, he's probably just a little light headed". The only person who laughed was my uncle.
My little brother wants to have one for his birthday party, and I want to help him set it up, so he doesn't have more work to do. I'm just not sure how to go about it to ensure the best jokes reign supreme. Any ideas from reddit's wittiest group?
The cashier said never mind.
It was Tuesday night and we were at my work Christmas party when my boss comes to our table. Him: "The Sunday bar is open". Me: "But it's Tuesday". Him: "Look here, we don't need another smart ass. I have that position covered quite well". My mother(who normally is quit witted), "O_o I don't get it". My boss and me: -__-face palm
I had a bunch of people over at my place last night to throw a birthday party for my best friend. We were just hanging out, drinking beer, and bouncing some ping pong balls around. I proceeded to try some shots like bouncing the ball off the table, then wall, then back to me. I did one that bounced off of two walls and back to me that impressed my friend. She then jokingly demanded that I do it again.
However, when I attempted it this time the ball ended up hitting a beer can on the table. As soon as I saw this I just shrugged and said "I can't!"
The entire party groaned together as I proceeded to laugh myself silly.
Good players are hard to find.
I guess they drank the t
I look up, straight faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.."
My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.
EDIT: I showed my wife how many ppl thought this was funny and she told me to say "please don't encourage him" .. :)
There wasn't mush room
Cop: It’s a...moving violation.
Well I don't know but the Dinomite I guess
Because they have provinces, not states. (US joke made while in an Xbox party with a Canadian friend.)
