Jesus Loves You Puns

"Keep texting while driving, if you are desperate to meet him."

A woman gets on the bus with her baby, and the driver says:

"Jesus wept lass, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

Understandably, she's very upset. But she goes and sits down toward the back next to a nice old lady.

The old lady next to her leans in as she sits down, she heard the whole thing, and she says to her:

"I wouldn't take that if I were you petal... If I were you, I'd go back up there and rip him a new one!... Go on love... ... I'll hold your monkey"

"Why do divers fall backwards off the boat?"

"I don't know, why?"

"Because if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."

I love you, dad, but Jesus...