Need Hope puns!

So I have this friend who I call Hope (which she finds annoying btw) so I want to tell her hope puns to annoy her. Please help, you're my only hope

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sole_rey
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2018
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I’m hoping L is J/K.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2018
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Training for dad level jokes.

My wife is pregnant with our first child so I'm stepping up my joke game to reach dad level.

Mother's day was not so long ago, and since she isn't a mother yet but only a future mother, I didn't get her flowers I only got her seeds, which are future flowers.

At least I found it hilarious and so did she. Hope you guys enjoy this!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackybeau
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
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Did you hear about the duckling that went missing?

It was abduckted.

Hope this quacked you up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/charons-voyage
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
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Winning a German sausage eating contest is all about your mind set

You hope for the best, but prepare for the wurst

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ali_whi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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Request: Food Puns!

Hi Everyone!

So I have a request for you all. Some friends and I are starting a new Pathfinder Campaign. Specifically, Hell's Rebels. I noticed one point mentioned that mint is now outruled, as one of the more 'insane' laws being put into place. Naturally, I have designed my character entirely around that.

Thus, the Chef Pana Kouta is born. I hope to 'pepper' some puns throughout the campaign, and would love to have some help from you all!

To summarise Hell's Rebels: A city of freedom is put under martial law, and the party will become leaders of a rebellion to stop the tyranny as the new leader begins issuing more and more insane laws.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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I just noticed two large bumps on my car battery.

I had one of them tested, and it was positive. Hope it's not terminal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/throwingitout2day
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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I have a joke about the flu....

But I hope you dont get it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/D_Redacted
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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My wife has been online this week, buying lots of black and white fabric.

I do hope she doesn’t make a habit of it

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
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Whoever stole my antidepressants

I hope you're happy now

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
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My wife and I just found out she's pregnant with our first child.

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/m_bowker-brown
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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The Government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns...

It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquillity and normality following the recent pandemic.

Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.

EDIT: Thank you so much for my first award!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PSN_Clamour_Kid
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.

I hope you scrolled past that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigdickcorrine
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
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I’ve been writing a book on weight loss.

I hope it will appeal to a wide audience.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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Food contamination warning!

Hope this is the right sub but this is something I need to share. Do not eat peanuts right now, if you do examine them carefully. There has been a fungus that has infected most of the peanut crops in north America. From the outside they look fine but if you bite into the nut you may notice a small black center. By then it's too late. The black center at early stages can cause digestive issues but if the entire nut is black it can cause failure of the nervous system and respiratory complications. There are pests that have laid their eggs in these plants and tiny microorganisms have developed in these plants. They leech into the fruit causing the black color. Ingestion can cause all sorts of troubles from diarrhea to death. These creatures are fatal. That's why you should always watch out for the creature from the black legume.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/prawncracker92
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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Rename share to spreddit, delete to shreddit and Karma to creddit

Hope we can make this happen! Also I don't know where else to post this

View Poll

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MadaraUchiha1423
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
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What do you call a dead wizard

A spelleton My family didn't appreciate my joke so hopefully someone does

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lucifer130
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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So i started an aerospace company

I hope it starts to take off soon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pressyprice
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
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Someone broke into my house and stole my anti depression pills

I hope they're happy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tjeters
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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What do you get when you cross Father's Day with Cake day?

Extra Karma... I hope.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phmundacheese
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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Some good puns

What do you call a "Can Opener" that doesn't works ?

-A "Can't Opener" !

Why are famous people so cool ?

-Because of their "Fans" !

Why did the man work in the barn his whole life ?

-Because it was a "Stable" carrier !

I hope you guys enjoyed !

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ParsaSamimi
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
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I’m thinking about sending my mailing labels to private school.

Hopefully they can learn to apply themselves.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Plausibl3
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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I made a band and I knew it wouldnt go anywhere

I called it a band in hope.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toeteba
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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β€œDue to the rising number of dolphin attacks, we’ve had to outlaw any overnight camping on the beach.”

β€œWe hope the new rule will help, for all in tents and porpoises.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/okaypuck
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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Bindi Irwin got married!

That's a ray of hope!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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Told my dad I had a migraine earlier...

He replied β€œI hope it doesn’t turn into a yourgraine because I don’t want it”... thanks dad.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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I've got a pedigree toothless Norwegian Blue Parrot I want to enter in competitions

I hope it sucks seeds

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hamsternoir
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
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One that came to me in a 3am epiphany. Better when spoken aloud.

There’s two astronauts on a shuttle. It’s going smoothly when one astronaut noticed something wrong with the engine. He turns to the other and says β€œHey, something seems to be wrong with the engine. You think this could be fatal?” The other astronaut replies:

β€œAs tro hope naut.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arachnica
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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A joke about a suit that doesn’t fit?

Hey fam... My grandpa passed away yesterday and as I’ve been reflecting on old memories I vaguely remembered this old joke he used to tell me. I was hoping maybe someone in this community could help. I don’t remember much about it other than that it was about a suit that didn’t fit and the person in the joke had to keep getting it tailored. And maybe it was just the way my grandpa told the joke, but he’d always make this really theatrical voice and yell β€œhey! what did you do to my new suit?!” If anyone can help a grieving girl out that would be swell. :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/missjayelle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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I just bought an AirBnB for horses.

I hope it brings me a stable income.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Boiler50
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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To the person who stole my selfie stick,..

I hope you’re taking a long look at yourself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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Requesting a pun for 'MacAlpine'

Hopefully this is the right place for it - but I'm looking to create a wedding hashtag with our future last names. So far, we only have 'pining for macalpine' but, as someone pointed out, that has a rather negative connotation. Unfortunately, our first names don't lend to puns/rhymes.

Any alp would be appreciated.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_smallest_frye
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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To the person who stole my calendar

I hope he gets 6 months.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jtfiction
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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Somebody stole my antidepressants tdoay

I hope they're happy

E: Fuck

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DSMSSBM
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
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My daughter: I'm turning 32 next week so I want to celebrate in a big way

Me: Okay but don't get your hopes up we're only going to celebrate for half a minute.

She: What? Why?

Me: Because it's your thirty-second birthday

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πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day....

I hope they meat her expectations

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whiskylover2121
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
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This Sacramento comedy show is basically a pun-themed rap battle

A few years ago, we started a show that I quite frankly never thought would work.

Nearly four years later, including two sold out appearances at San Francisco Sketchfest and a local TV featurette, our show "Capitol PUNishment" is now streaming on Twitch Friday night at 8:30pm PST.

I hope it's ok to post this in here. If not, feel free to remove with no hard feelings. Just encouraging pun lovers to check out what is best described as "a fast-paced, in-the-moment spectacle that combines everything you love about gameshows, rap-battles, and "dad" jokes, into a unique and hilarious competitive format."

Our channel is twitch.tv/capitolpuns
Here's a little video to help paint the picture: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2RE9PgmfXo

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πŸ‘€︎ u/capitolpuns
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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My gas bill is through the roof this month!

I hope next time he goes back to using the letterbox

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SteveM06
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
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Some unexpected consequences of coronavirus..

So it's been almost 3 weeks since a lockdown was triggered in the UK and there have been quite a few knock on effects.. Some good and some bad which I want to share in this post.

Firstly one of my friends lost his job. He worked as a psychic.. Never saw it coming. Its been a difficult couple of weeks and he is now considering a complete career change...considering becoming a baker of all things.. But I suppose he really kneads the dough. I suggested he focus on photography, but nothing ever developed.

Another of my friends was also made redundant. He managed to get a Skype interview for a position in Tescos within a few days. The interviewer asked him: "what is your biggest weakness?", he replied "I don't know when to quit". The interviewer said "OK, your hired". He said "I quit".

Work has been busy for me but since I can't enjoy the things I usually do I have been looking for some new things to do around the house. It's been nice have the thyme to do more cooking. I randomly started a boat building business in my garage.. Sails have gone through the roof.

In an unsettling reversal of my teenage years I am now shouting at my parents for leaving the house. I suggested they take up scrabble to keep them occupied.. Turned out to be a bad idea from the word go.

It's been great hearing about how world pollution levels have been failling. I read the story about fish now being visible in the canals in Venice.. I hope that story isnt a load of pollocks! Cod, these were eely bad. Will stop carping on now!

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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I've started investing in stocks...

Mostly beef, chicken, and vegetable.

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IDontCare320
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
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Tap on the screen...

Tap on the screen...

I hope this is allowed here...πŸ˜‰

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Majikthise042
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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I'm on a plane and the lunch choices are: white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I'm seated in the last row.

I'm hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
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I got my family this new type of fancy European yogurt.

I hope it makes us more cultured.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/reepicheep08
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
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This pun made my friend not want to talk to me for a day

Ok, so this one needs a bit of buildup.

At the time (a week or so ago) I was making a homebrew item for DnD (for the uninformed, Homebrew are custom made items/classes/spells to use in a DnD game at the discretion of the DM (Dungeon Master)).

I had shown this item (shameless plug) to my friend (who is also the DM of the campaign I'm in now) in the hopes of using it in the campaign. He had pointed out that the item was a bit OP for it's cost and that the homebrew page I had made for it was too long. We were discussing ways to improve both the item and the page, and then got on the topic of magic items in general.

It went something along the lines of this:

DM: ... you can't really destroy a magic item before removing the magic from it. Like, you could try to melt down a magic sword for example, but all that would really do is make it too hot to hold. You could even bend it, but not outright destroy it.

Me: That's gotta be one pissed off magic sword.

DM: I mean, yeah, if it's sentient.

Me: Maybe it got so angry at being bent, that it gains sentience just spite you or something.

DM: Well, yeah maybe.

And this, people of reddit, is when the PUN, popped into my head.

Me: *leans in* you could say that the sword gained sentience cuz it got... bent out of shape.

A second or two of silence, and I see the pun register in his head, and I fucking lost it.

I then laugh for a straight minute. After about ten secunds of me busting a gut, he said "Aight, Imma head out"

We're cool now, but he really didn't want to talk to me the next day.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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[Pun Request] Vampire Restaurant

Hope requests are allowed, I have a vampire ( or similar) running an inn, "Bring out your bread" in a tabletop game and I need ideas for food and drinks. Currently I have steak, bloody Mary, Ham Helsing, and Bram Sausages Dracula ( that one didn't really work when I played it)

Any suggestions

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πŸ‘€︎ u/redTrakor
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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What does your teen daughters wardrobe have in common with trying to post memes without watermarks?

You hope to avoid crop tops and cutoffs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TennisADHD
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
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I drive around and sell pies. Key Lime for $6 and Pecan pie for $8.

Those are the pie rates of the car I be in.

(I married two old jokes together, I hope that’s ok)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
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I was going to tell a joke about boomerangs but I forgot it

I hope it’ll come back to me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amazingakak
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
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Construction Dadjoke: Our Sewage Treatment Plant supplier is missing

In his last email he said "I remain at your disposal for any concerns".

Couldn't find him there this morning. I hope he's ok.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andrei178
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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I havent heard dad joke since I was born

Hope he is able to speak someday

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyjarvis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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I just bought Spider Man pyjamas

I hope he likes them

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πŸ‘€︎ u/poccoscfc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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My dad just cant articulate dad jokes

I hope his speech therapy works

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyjarvis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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My buddy just installed a new counter top

I just hope he doesn’t take it for granite

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
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I’m really struggling to choose a name for my wild yeast starter.

I hope it won’t be a John Dough forever.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brandonscript
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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I just made a deal with a roof building firm

Hopefully it doesn’t fall through

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πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
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here's my best COVID-19 joke:

for the first time ever, I'm hoping you all say "I didn't get it"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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Happy Nintendo Day!

I hope every one has a Super Mar10

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DampestHotDog
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
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My girlfriend was talking to me about hair driers

Her: My other one is terrible, it takes forever to dry my hair. But this one doesn't suck.

Me: I sure hope not, it's a blow drier not a vacuum.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Gingemaster
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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My girlfriend is turning 32 soon...

I've told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."

For the life of me, I can't figure why doesn't think this is hilarious. I keep making sure to remind her of it every time we are around new people. Hopefully if she hears the joke enough she will start to appreciate it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Giovanni469
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
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Two friends are on a road trip and one if them sees a sign stating they are approaching Louisville. One says "we should stop in 'Louie-ville' for lunch. The other says it's not pronounced 'Louie-ville', it's 'Louis-ville'!

They go back and forth for a while, neither convincing the other that they are right. Finally they decide on a place to eat. When they get to the restaurant, one of the friends asks the person taking their order to settle it once and for all. "Me and my friend are having a debate and hopefully since you live here, you can set my friend straight. Would you please tell us... and say it clear and slow for my friend here... where are we?"

The person behind the counter gets a puzzled look on his face, then says

>!"Buuuuuurrrrrr gerrrrrr Kiiiiiiinnnnggg"!<

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FaultyData
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
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How many people are dead in that graveyard?

All of β€˜em, I hope!

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
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I put pasteboard over my neighbor's windows.

He said he wanted to get a paper view tonight... hope that helps!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.

It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HoraceSchemer
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2020
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I invested heavily in toilet paper.

I hope I don't get wiped out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/89iroc
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
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Long time dad first time poster in need of some help from my fellow dad's in here. What is Snoop Dogg fishing for?

Fishizzle!

Here is what i need help with. I seen a some fishing gear with the name "fishizzle" and lighting struck! Has anyone heard this one before? Did I just make a OC dad joke? If so Is it "dad joke" worthy? I really hope so becuase I just sent this to my daughter.

Thanks in advance.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dieoner
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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If β€œwomb is pronounced β€œwoom”, β€œtomb” is pronounced β€œtoom”, then then shouldn’t β€œbomb” be pronounced

β€œBOOM”

I hope that blew your minds

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zombiemonkey04
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
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To everyone who has to self-isolate because of Coronavirus…

Hope you have all bases COVID

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shitpanowner
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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They say one in four people are homosexual, which is weird because I have three best friends, all guys. Makes me wonder which one of us would be gay.

I hope It's Paul. He's cute.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ENJOYblet
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
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To the two criminals that stole my calendar:

I hope you both get six months.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/juhaodbrokule
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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Why wasn’t the horse interested in breeding in the barn?

He was more hoping for a stable relationship.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nftpc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
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My coworker told us this dadjoke on Friday

If I catch the Corona Virus, I hope I get Lyme Disease too.

Corona just isn't the same without a lime.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pwnrzero
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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I have to see my Optician today.

Hopefully he says my vision is 2020.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShadowWolf-556
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
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Two friends, Jake and Joke, went camping

One evening Jake stole Joke’s bag and hid it just at the edge of a forest nearby. Next morning he told him what he had done and to be careful not to go far into the forest since it’s riddled with bears once you go into the deep forest part and you are sure to get eaten.

Since Joke didn’t return for a long period of time, Jake went looking for him. However, he couldn’t find his friend. Jake, feeling remorse, called the police and told them what had happened.

Unfortunately, the police were no help and the case started to gain traction with the media. Reporters from all the nearby villages wanted to be the one to crack the case and find Joke.

Jake slowly spiraled into despair, not knowing what happened, thinking he killed his friend and all he wanted was some answers, buying all the local newspapers every day hoping to read something new and gain some answers.

Day after day the event slowly slipped out of his mind as time went by with no new information whatsoever. Until one day, Jake decided to put this whole thing behind him and found a therapist to help him move on.

The therapy was a huge success, he completed all but one meetings and he had just one more to go. He arrived on time as always, but the therapist’s office was locked this time. Jake checked his mobile phone and he saw a message from his therapist that he’s gonna be a few minutes late and that he should sit down in the waiting room, relax, and wait for him.

Jake, as any reasonable person, sat down in the waiting room and started waiting. It was at this moment that his phone battery ran out and he became bored, very bored, so he picked up a random newspaper from the table in front of him and then he saw it, the headline he was waiting for for so long:

Joke gone too far.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/murlockerLOL
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
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β€ͺMy kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...‬

β€ͺI hope this will not surface again‬

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
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I think A Flock of Seagulls were really just trying to tell everyone how far it was to the country...

I hope their wings don't get too tired on the trip. I know I know... I'll see myself out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedditInThe90s
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
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Creation

God: creates worm, Hello worm. I hope you enjoy your new life in a new world

Worm: Hi God. Thanks for the β€œworm” welcome.

God: creates birds

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bar1792
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
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I was at a concert of which a Scandinavian woman was playing on stage, one of my friends turns to me and remarks β€œI wonder if she’s from Sweden” another friend says β€œmaybe Norway?” My final friend asks β€œdo you thinks she’s Finnish?”

I boastfully reply β€œI fucking hope not she’s only been on five minutes”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-Suggs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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Request for pun help.

Hi everyone.

I don't know if this is allowed but I'm running out of ideas. I'm trying to make puns dealing with candies relating to the words "Leadership", "Service", and either "Fellowship" or "friendship". I figured this is the place of experts and hoped you could provide me with a solution. I'm planning on using this for big little reveal in my fraternity.

Thanks again ahead of time!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/darkecojaj
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
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514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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Circumcision Puns Aren't Funny

My wife gave birth to our first son on Friday. This morning they came to get him for his circumscion and we were feeding him a bottle. The nurse said we were going to have to cut it short. I said ok, but not too short. And nobody laughed. They looked at me like an idiot. Hopefully the internet will appreciate this.

EDIT: Didn't expect this to garner so much attention, but I guess it deserves some elaboration. Yes, this actually happened and we had our son circumcised. Everything went well without any complications. I made this decision with my wife based on hygienic, traditional, and aesthetic reasons, and I am confident in my decision. I am circumcised, and I'm happy with it.

There are times in my son's life that i will need to make decisions for him, and this was one of those times. I understand that some people think I have committed a terrible crime against my son, but I disagree. There are many arguments for both sides, and I think these decisions should be made by family and doctors when the bridge comes to be crossed.

I'm not going to go through and answer all of the questions and insults individually, I have a newborn to take care off, but y'all feel free to hash it out.

Also, I still think my joke was pretty damn funny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oemus2776
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2018
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To the person that stole my antidepressants...

I hope you're happy now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Corleone_Michael
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
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To whoever stole my antidepressants...

I hope you’re happy now!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The-RealElonMusk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
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To the guy who stole my antidepressants

I hope you’re happy now

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xSlodderWolf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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To the guy who stole my antidepressants...

I hope you're happy now

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlwaysFearMe007
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
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To the person whole stole my antidepressants

I hope you're happy now

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wcslater
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
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To the thieves that took my antidepressants

I hope you’re happy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stubbly_bubbly
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
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To the guy who stole my depression medication,

I hope you're happy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hood-30535
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
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Whoever stole my anti depressants

I hope you are happy now

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Timmy23309
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
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