(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...

The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.

Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.

The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:

"What's sarong with that?"

I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).

His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.

--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)

--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zipflop
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
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Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same thing?

Because 10+10 is twenty and 11+11 is twenty too..

Edit: thank you for awards, I have never gotten one before. I apologize that this is a repost, I did see it on TikTok and thought that it was cute and wanted to share. In the future I will check the sub for similar content before I post anything.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lewzerman
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2021
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Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?

Because he wanted space

Edit: Thank you for the awards.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shaa_virus
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
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Why shouldn't you put more than 239 beans in a soup?

Because adding just one more would make it too farty. Straight from my 7 year old daughter.

Edit: Thank you so much for the awards and upvotes. I showed my daughter how many people saw and appreciated her humor and she's extatic. I know she probably didn't come up with the joke herself but this was one of the first times she really got me with a good one and I thought I'd share it with some fellow dads and others.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oak05
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
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Straight from my 6 yr old.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

Dino-snore.

I ugly laughed at this and she thought it was the best.

Edit: wow, thanks for the awards! I told my daughter she got 500 likes and she started dancing. Thank you!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LucianX09
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
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Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.

She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….

EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❀️

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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I got arrested at NASA.

I didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

Edit: thanks for the awards, kind strangers!

Gamora: "I am going to die surrounded by the biggest idiots in the galaxy."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jonnyabcde
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
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My dad constantly tells me I'll never amount to anything because I always procrastinate.

I'll show him. Just you wait.

Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too!

I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award. I might do it later.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JinTaisa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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I confronted a mime today.

He did unspeakable things.

Thank you for the awards. You made my day πŸ˜ƒ

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
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My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl

...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.

Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling 🎳 '

Thank you for the awards

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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"Hey dad, I'm trans"

"I have no son"

"Thanks for supporting me"

I'm sure this has been done but it got a chuckle out of me

Edit wow, I wasn't expecting an award. Thank you kind stranger!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Niskara
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?

Ham boogers.

I know, I know, snot funny.

-Edit- Thanks for the awards guys! First silver! :-D

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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Why can't you hear a psychiatrist use the bathroom?

The P is silent!

.

Edit: thanks for the hugz award!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CuteAutumnBear
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2021
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I accidentally put viagra in my ear

I’m hard of hearing now

Edit: Thank you kind strangers for the awards

Edit 2: Tis a HARD joke to beat

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nickatier_Carbs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
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Why did the Cows return to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

Edit: Thank you for the awards.

I was expecting this to go noticed like most of my other posts. You peeps rock!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TrikkWikkid5150
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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Burnt my hawaiian pizza today...

Should have cooked it on aloha temperature.

EDIT: Thanks for the awards, y'all!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/user7618
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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What has five toes but isn't your foot?

My foot.

Edit: Thanks a lot guys for the awards and upvotes. ;) :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/D3V1L420
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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My 5yo blew us away with this original that he came up with all on his own. What do you call two ice dragons?

Twice dragons.

Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use β€œWreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internet” and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) he’s been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyouβ€˜s for the kind words and awards.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jruff84
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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What did the cloud get for finishing in fourth place?

A precipitation award.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bacon_boy_away
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
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What do you call a fear of giants?

Feefiphobia

Edit: wow! I never expected this to reach such great heights..... Thank you for the awards, kind redditors.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/denandbil
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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My friend: Did you heard about the Italian man who died recently, he pasta way

Me: Thats very sad. Venice the funeral?

(Please excuse my poor english as it is not my first language)

Edit: I am not a dad, I am a 15 year old teen
Edit 2: Thank you u/Mnt2bdaddy for the wholesome award.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Madhur_Gupta_nerd
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?

He was dead lifting.

Edit: Wow! Went to bed, went to work, checked this post, and holy hell did it blow up! Thanks for the awards, funny add-one and dad jokes! This sub is awesome!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/35mmPirate
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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What is blue and not heavy?

Light blue

Edit: Thank you fellow internet strangers for all the awards!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NYC_Dweller
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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Why is North Korea so evil?

Because they have no Seoul.

Edit: Thanks for the support and for my first award everyone! I can’t take credit for the joke itself as a friend who passed a number of years made it up in high school, but I’m sure he’d be ecstatic to see the number of updoots and laughter it’s brought.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fourchubio
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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My wife insisted she has nudist genes

I responded that nudists are defined by their lack of jeans

Edit: there->their

Edit 2: Awards? Wow! I'd like to thank the Academy, the community, my wife, and the man who made this post possible, my father in law!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/S93C141
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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I often worry about German sausages

Basically I fear the wurst.

Edit: thanks for my first award ya loonies ;)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kimenon001
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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My wife said she should get an award for breast feeding the baby.

I said I’d nominate her for the SAG awards.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RootbeerDreams
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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I considered giving up my honey business and joining a cult

But I'm just not a bee leaver.

Edit: Thank you for the award, friend!!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cobclob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory

I’ll beheading there shortly

Edit: Thanks for the silver. My first ever award!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jk72788
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
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I won the "Most Secretive Guy" award in our office today.

I can't tell you how much this award means to me

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EdwinDaPenguin
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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Sorry this isn’t really a joke but I wanted to say thanks

I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y’all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her!

Edit: thank you so much for the awards and well wishes! I 100% did not expect this to blow up like it did and I’m so glad for y’all’s support!!

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πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
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I can't tell dad jokes

Because he's not here. I'll tell him when he's back though.

Edit: Thank u for the award kind stranger. :D

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πŸ‘€︎ u/omarkrimlyreddit
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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/r/puns best of 2020 nomination thread!

Edit: Winner:- https://www.reddit.com/r/puns/comments/knrrk1/rpuns_best_of_2020_nomination_thread/ghx6xyy

Welcome to /r/puns bestof 2020 nomination thread! A chance to win reddit premium.

Comment below the links of posts/comments that were exceptional.

  • Post/comment must have been made in the year 2020.

  • Anybody can nominate.

  • One person can nominate maximum of 1 post or comment.

Prizes:

1 month reddit premium (no ads on your feed) and access to the reddit lounge to the exceptional post/comment.

Note: The person who nominates will also get award if the post they nominate is good. (Very likely you will get it :)

All the best!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shampoo_and_dick
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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Why can't blind people eat ocean fish?

Because it's see-food!

my 11 year old daughter ran in here while cooking greens and dropped that knowledge on us. I couldn't be more proud lol.

edit: just wanted to let those of you who have is awards that I appreciate it! I told my daughter about them and she asked if she can keep telling jokes for me to put on here lol. should get fairly interesting.

thanks all. I hope you had a great turkey gobble day

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyberrich
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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Apple announced a new product for wives that helps cope with spontaneous dad jokes throughout their day.

The iRoll

Edit: thank you kind strangers for the awards! I told my wife we've struck gold and she immediately upgraded to the newest iRoll v2 software!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Use2HandsPlease
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed.

Edits: Thanks for all the awards!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/deant_b01
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator

Only a fraction of you will understand that

Edit: I see this joke has been quite divisive! Thank you to everyone who made this joke a thousand times better in the comments, you're all amazing, and thank you for the awards!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhoenixFlamebird
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
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Having gay parents must be horrible

You either get twice the amount of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom."

Edit: On another Sub someone called me a homophobe. I want to say I'm not a homophobe it was simply a light hearted joke. I'm gay myself and wouldn't want to create hate or controversy. So sorry if I offended anyone.

Edit 2: Thanks for giving me my first award.

Edit 3: if you have heard it else where then fine Like this one guy in the comments said "I’ve seen it a few times but no doubt many people haven’t. No reason a good joke can’t be posted bc someone’s posted it in the past."

Edit 4: making too many edits but thanks for the gold kind stranger (And all of them means alot)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SergeantSolar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
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Do trees poop?

Of course they do. That's how we get number 2 pencils.

-Edit- Thanks for the awards guys! 😊

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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What generation does Forrest Gump belong to?

Gen A.

Edit: thank you for the award!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Th3NinjaCat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
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So proud of my daughter, who ran upstairs to tell me our downstairs toilet was smoking.

She seemed really, really scared. When I told her I couldn’t smell smoke, she showed me this picture: https://imgur.com/gallery/RbplooY, giggling like crazy.

Chip off the old block she is!

Edit: thank you so much for my first ever award!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/superdad0206
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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My son just told me his first dad joke. He's 8, so go easy.

Son: what did the fig say to the table?

Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table?

Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.

Edit: thanks for the silver, I'll tell the boy in the morning!

Edit 2: explained to my son about the up votes and awards. When he heard that someone spent real money to congratulate him for the joke, he said he bets it was his grandparents. He's excited y'all enjoyed it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RicoCat
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
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Why do referees in professional rugby always give penalties against chickens?

Because they always award against professional fowls.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RasberryOnline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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The show Phineas and Ferb came and went like their adventures.

Started with a bang and phineased unexpectedly.

edit: woah my first award. thank you u/LingThingLS

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πŸ‘€︎ u/archit14
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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There was an inventor in the late 1800s who despised bells, he designed a device that would eliminate every bell in the world.

He was later awarded the Nobel prize

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πŸ‘€︎ u/max69well
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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Curious

A guy sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "'Cause he's fucking liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spazpekker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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What does a house wear?

Address

Edit: Wow! I never thought my first award would be for a dad joke. Thanks anonymous redditor.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/man_nowhere
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
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For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me "the most secretive guy" in the office.

I can't tell you how much this award means to me.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
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For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me "the most secretive guy" in the office.

I can't tell you how much this award means to me.

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
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Have you heard of whiteboards?

They're a pretty remarkable invention.

Edit: thanks kind stranger! My first ever award! Edit 2: Thanks for the Platinum kind stranger!

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BTWGaming
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
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