A profit
Because it's a mail dominated industry.
Cause the other places are always clothed....
Everyone kept telling me to get my vac seen.
It was called NyetFlix
It was literally driving him bananas.
Fudged up too many orders.
Because it's Duty Free
It was a real struggle dragging it up the stairs and into the church.
It's a deNile of service attack.
My family was attending a Bar Mitzvah this weekend. The yarmulkes they handed out at the service had little built in clips to attach to your hair.
My non-Jewish brother-in-law, who is bald: What should a follicularly challenged person do with his yarmulke?
Me: just put it on your head and pray.
My father recently passed away and his services were yesterday. I brought a jar of dad jokes and left it out for a “Dad jokes: take one / leave one” thank you all for some amazing content to brighten an otherwise difficult day. I got some good exchanges and saw many people passing around their little slips of paper followed but the smirk, the eye roll, the confusion, and eventually a smile.
They're free of charge!
One day after service this little boy presses two quarters into my palm when he shakes my hand.
"What's this?" I asked.
"It's my offering." He replied.
"Why didn't you just put it in the collection plate?"
"Well, sir, I wanted to make sure it got straight to you. My daddy said you're the poorest preacher he's ever heard."
just means really good service.
It’s a mail dominated industry.
Me: "Really?! She wore ripped jeans to an Easter mass?"
Wife: "Those are her holy jeans."
there’s three main candidates in the running. first is joe biden, looking to keep the presidency; second is donald trump, looking to take back the presidency, and lastly is obama, wearing a sombrero and a mustache, going by the name… juan-bama. as the election results are tallied in, it’s apparent that it’s a perfect three-way tie in both the popular vote and the electoral college. the nation is in uproar, nobody can reach a decision as to how to choose the next president. but at last a solution comes forward: a literal presidential race. whoever can run the fastest lap around the white house—timed by a secret service member—will be sworn into office.
first up is donald trump. he boldly states “this will no doubt be the fastest lap around the white house, perhaps even the fastest lap run anywhere, ever,” but, not being in the best shape, he takes 18 minutes and 34 seconds.
next is joe biden. he doesn’t waste any breath for trash talk or boasting, he just readies himself at the starting line and—at the count—takes off. he’s running fast, really fast for someone of his age… at least for the first 5 minutes. but he forgets where he’s going, and finishes his lap as a leisurely walk around the grounds, taking 26 minutes and 49 seconds.
lastly is juanbama, who runs like hell around the white house. he’s running fast, faster than he’d ever run before. he completes his lap, collapsing across the finish line, and looks up desperately at the secret service member. “what was it?” he asks. “what was my time?”
the agent looks down at their stopwatch. “twelve oh-three.”
juanbama looks at them in disbelief. “well,” he sputters, “that’s got to be some sort of record!”
the secret service member shakes their head. “no, actually. bush did nine eleven.”
She wanted me to listen to a recording from a church service, asking if I thought a sound was a chair sliding or a fart.
I said, “Well, it’s a pew either way.”
“Nooooo!” she replied.
Its rooms are to die for.
When I was a kid, my favourite thing ever was tractors. It was my first word, my first toy, I had posters of them on my bedroom walls and I loved to draw them too. Unfortunately with age I don’t quite have the same amount of passion nowadays. This all became relevant recently as there was this house fire on my street last week. My instincts told me to enter the house to save the family inside as the Fire Service hadn’t arrived yet. I was able to break down a door and actually clear all of the smoke from the house saving everyone inside. I escorted them out to be greeted by the Fireman who had just arrived. Puzzled, they asked how on earth I was able to clear all the smoke. I simply replied “I’m an extractor fan”.
It’s going to be his Elawn care service.
After all, many hands make light work.
As I got back into the car to drive off, the service station attendant ran out to me and said "Hey, that'll cost you $2".
I said "It's always been free".
He shrugged. Then he said: "Sorry, that's inflation for you".
How am I supposed to login then?!
Her: Do you remember the car service we used at the airport? Was it Hertz? Me: Was it Alamo? Her after looking it up: No, it was definitely Hertz. Me: Ah, my mistake. I only remember the Alamo.
I got a beautiful groan followed by a chuckle.
A strangers car broke down and they left it in our yard for a week and a half, leaving no name or contact information. After making several attempts on social media to find these people to come get their vehicle, I finally had to call the local police station to ask them to take care of it.
An officer came and he talked about putting a 72 hour notice sticker on it and then having it towed. At the mention of stickers my 6 year old blurted, "oh! Stickers! Can I have one?!" The policeman asked if my boy could come to the cruiser to get a few stickers. I said, "sure but, kid, are you sure? After 72 hours they will tow you away!" My boy groaned "moooommmm...." but at least the officer laughed.
Imma start an aeroplane service exclusively for bald people
I'll call it "Receding Airlines"
At his service I walked up to the mic, "I feel compelled to complete my dad's final joke: My dad died while looking at my mom and I am sure dad would have said 'If looks could kill.'"
They were talking and he just slumped over and died. They believe he had a clot and it just block his blood to his brain. My dad's nick name was Mr Jokester.
It orders womb service.
The wife is in a Master's program and is learning about emergency services this semester. I made this joke without even realizing it at first. The we-do is like a siren. If you didn't get it.
Who wants to learn about Emergency services kids!?
We-do we-do we-do we-do.
I've been using it for months and still don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.
UPDATE: tried to return it but customer service is giving me the runaround.
So far I’ve got:
Sandwich co (you can’t beat our meat) IT company (if you’ve got a Trojan we can help) Laundry service (dont press your luck) Organic shop (all we do is pot, and pull hoes) or (getting down and dirty with your hoes) Pet groomers (send your dog to pound town) Transport and travel [by plane] (we’ll get you high) Financial planner (saving lives, with your life savings) Bakery (fresh perky muffins in the front, soft buns in the back) Coffee shop (Mugging you at every corner)
Still looking for raunchy puns and double entendres for:
A Podcast/ music studio A Personal chef A Tour and travel agency A Health care company A Record studio A Game developer A Copyrighting co A Tailor A Garage/bike repair company A Clothing/hat maker A Personal trainer A Truck sharing (moving co) An Architecture bureau or real estate co An Illustrator A Pest control company A Wedding planner A Fishing and charter tour company A Liquor store
Help me out.
We have a holiday tradition in our house to call up our internet service provider and ask them to slow down our speed through December.
We call it the Yule Lag.
The Illumi-not-tree
I had seen a sign locally for Illuminating Tree Service (or something like that), turned to my wife and said, "They really missed an opportunity to call themselves 'The Illumi-not-tree'". One eye roll from my wife and far more laughing than necessary on my part, I figured I should share it with you all.
Have a good day all.
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.
Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.
About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked.
The monk replied "religious reasons."
The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, but why do you need to repair fences?"
"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
I guess it's my own fault for using the self service checkout lane.
When I was a kid, my favourite thing ever was tractors. It was my first word, my first toy, I had posters of them on my bedroom walls and I loved to draw them too. Unfortunately with age I don’t quite have the same amount of passion nowadays. This all became relevant recently as there was this house fire on my street last week. My instincts told me to enter the house to save the family inside as the Fire Service hadn’t arrived yet. I was able to break down a door and actually clear all of the smoke from the house saving everyone inside. I escorted them out to be greeted by the Fireman who had just arrived. Puzzled, they asked how on earth I was able to clear all the smoke. I simply replied “I’m an extractor fan”.
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.
Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.
About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked
the monk replied "Religious reasons."
The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"
"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
