In The Basement Puns

And this ungrateful woman has the nerve to tell me “that’s not what I meant when I said I want you to clean out my cobwebs”

A Whoarder!

I told her, I just can’t Lego of the memories.

Because it’s swedished

I personally love this conspiracy theory because it's a wonderful example of suspended animation.

Credit to the greatest animation professor of all time, Mr. Theo Artz of Drexel University.

Me: "Because the basement is down under the house"

Oh well, c'ellar vie.

They are a couple of lousy nerf herders.

So they can B1 with the building.

Well played, pops.

Dad was being awfully noisy knocking thing around in the basement.

I yelled down, "Dad! What are you up to??"

He replied, "Oh...about 5 foot 8!"

They snuck from their beds in the middle of the night and met in the gloomy darkness in front of the house, shivering in the cold.

The first boy said in a loud whisper, "You guys bring anything?" He slid a gun out of his pocket. The second boy nodded and revealed a knife. The third boy pulled out a flashlight.

"You didn't bring a weapon?" the first boy asked. He shrugged and replied, "Sorry". And as if to prove it, he turned his pockets out to show nothing but stray lint and a pack of cough drops.

They crept in. The door shut behind them. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. The flash light clicked on. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door on the other side, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a dead body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They found a fully set, ornate dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal goblets, pitchers and silverware adorned the table. Spiders crept over ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hel

That he is engaged in higher studies!

Similarly, when one goes to the basement to study, he is engaged in deep studies!

Okay, so this is my first post, so be gentle there. It s more a funny thing my dad did to mess with us than a dad joke. Our parents explained it to us , so i don t have the dialogues here. When we were little, my brother and I of course asked my parents how do we make babies, because we wanted a little bro or sis and they did not wanted us to get one. So we asked them how babies are made. They explained to us that you need 3 things ; a mother's belly , dad's seeds and a little bit of love. That was cute, they said that daddy had to put his seeds in mummy 's belly with the love. When we asked how, they told us to guess -this is why we thought babies were made by the bellybutton, they did really had fun with us- and then, finally, we asked them why they would not make us a little brother then. My father, had this brilliant idea to mess with us, which we sometimes did not notice, as we were little. He basically told us with a huge smile accros his face :" You know what ? If you find the good seeds, we'll make you one". My mother laughed but we took it seriously. We have apparently searched for hours even going in the basement, searching in mom's gardening seeds, ripping of the labels and bringing them to the parents to ask if these were the good ones . We eventually got fed up, and never asked my parents to have a sibling again.

So I hid in the basement and waited until the cops and firefighters came and told them that we had a blast.

Seems like a vas improvement so far.

The urologist told me that I need to use an athletic supporter for 3 to 7 days following the procedure but he also said not to ejaculate for at least a week so what exactly am I supposed to do with this cheerleader in my basement?

Speaking of birth control, what's the difference between permanent female sterilization and a Russian bakery? Well, one's a tubal ligation, the other's a Ruble pie station.

My greatest regret in all this is that I can no longer dress up for Halloween as a pirate and carrying around a sign that says, "Ask me what I use to convey sperm from my testicle to my urethra," for the sake of replying, "A vas, matey!"

Look, these are hard to come up with and my nads are sore. Give me something to make the wife groan that sexy, "why did I marry you" groan that we all love.

A little background: my husband and I have always had to stay in the makeshift bedroom in the basement when we visited my parents because we would visit during holidays and the nice upstairs guest room would always be taken by people older than us. We are visiting them this weekend and my mom texted me to let us know that we will be using the guest room for the first time.

Me: Oh nice, we get to sleep in the guest room instead on the air mattress in the basement.

Husband: It looks like we're moving up in the world!

Me: -groan-

I was showing my dad some pictures from my trip to Europe. He saw a picture of a rock covered with moss and said, "I'm lichen that!"

For Christmas dinner we were having ham. The plate of carved ham was between my dad and I. Someone asked where the plate went. My dad says,"We're hoggin' it."

There was a store in my home town called carols cedar cellar. It was damaged in a flood and they knocked the building down exposing the basement. We drive by and my dad says,"Now you can cedar cellar."

I have so much to learn.

The basement elevator. Just get in and make sure 1 is lit.

So my wife and I went to Great Floors looking for tile and generally getting an idea of what we want to finish our basement bathroom and family room with.

The saleswoman points us to this vinyl plank stuff I've never seen before that you just lay down with no glue or anything that is somehow completely waterproof and lifetime guaranteed and all that jazz. She shows us how you need to use a plunger to pry them back up once they are all tight together.

Me. "Wow, I never would have thought this could work.... I'm floored."

In the ensuing groan fest the saleswoman claims to have never heard that one before, I jested that she sounded knowledgeable for someone who obviously hasn't been working in the business very long.

Serious question. I'm a dad, and I have several long-running jokes with my kids.

E.g., there's a "radiator monster" in the basement. Yeah, that knocking sound when we turn the steam up in the morning. Well, my eldest is getting smarter and smarter, but he still can't refute my claim that there is such a monster. Because he's not yet aware of the actual cause of the knocking/banging.

So, he's unsure!

This is a good Dad-joke, no?

So, i am laying in my bed and my dad yells from the kitchen "hey bud, which side of a chicken has more feathers?" And me being me say the wings. His ansert was "the outisde". He then proceeded to chuckle and drink beer in the basement.

My dad told me this the first time on Halloween night back when I was 9. He tells it to this day to any of my cousins, nephews, or any kids that happen to linger too long at the house when he's giving out candy. It's a long one but I have always enjoyed it.

Back when I was about your age, I went on a Halloween adventure. There was an old abandoned house on our street where a series of grisly axe murders had taken place years before. The house had never sold and was left vacant and was left to fall apart. There was a local legend that if you went into the house on Halloween night, you'd be confronted by the ghost of the murderer himself, still looking for more victims to add to his terrifying story.

My friend Tom and I decided to go through with it one year. Knowing everyone would be too terrified to go into the house, we snuck in easily on Halloween night. The place was falling apart inside, the carpet was wet and moldy and the wallpaper was peeling off everywhere. We headed down carefully to the basement down a set of creaky stairs.

At first we found nothing. Just an empty creepy old house. Suddenly we felt as if we were being watched. I was looking through one of the rooms in the large basement when I suddenly heard Tom shriek. I spun around and turned my flashlight and Tom was being chased by something, no someone. It looked like it was the murderer! A crazed man with an axe!

We turned and tried to run anywhere. We were in the basement but couldn't get up the stairs because we were blocked. We ran into the side room which looked like it might have been the laundry years ago. We locked the door and looked for a way out. The only thing we could find was a small window that opened onto ground level. As I climbed out I heard a pounding on the door. I managed to wriggle my way through the window and turned around to help my friend Tom. Panicking, he managed to get his top half through the window when I noticed the pounding stop.

Tom was stuck! I kept trying to pull him up but I couldn't. I pulled as hard as I could as Tom panicked and thrashed even more. I thought something had him caught, but it was even worse. The murderer had gotten behind him and was holding him back! He was too strong for me to overcome and he was pulling Tom's leg!

Just like I've been pulling yours this whole time.

So I asked my dad (a pretty good cook) how to properly grill chicken. His response:

In a basement cement block room, with a locked door, place a chair under a bright light. Have the chicken sit in the chair and aggressively ask it probing questions.

If it doesn't give honest answers, slap it around a little.

So a couple friends and I are watching a movie in one of my friend's basement (The Master of Disguise - Netflix lol). And his dad comes downstairs and in the most intimidating, serious voice says, "Nick, what do I do when you do something wrong?" The tension in the room skyrockets, and Nick says nonchalantly, "Nothing." His dad then slickly replies, "I scream... there's ice cream on the table if you want any."

Chuckling intensifies.

It's cloudy with no rain today, and when I got to the lab in the basement, here's what happened.

Receptionist: Has the sun come out yet today?

Me: No, not yet. But I did see an old bomber and two fighters for the D-Day anniversary.

Nurse passing by: Where were they?

Me: In the sky, where else?

*cue laughter and one "he sure got you good" from the receptionists*

Mission accomplished.

Today my father and I were cleaning out the home of a 90 year old man. In the basement we found these huge and awkward old structures that were used to hang up clothes on hangars.

Dad: "These are so obsolete now. Most people just hang their clothes up on a Pole in their closet.......or a Jew or a Swede."

I car pool with one of my co-workers and our conversation this morning went like this:

Me: "This job is just depressing. I know we work in IT and are secluded down in a basement but I would feel more cheerful if we were located in the office with WINDOWS..."

Him: "What are you talking about? We already are in an office with plenty of windows"

Me: "Huh?"

Him: "We work in IT. They're plenty of Windows to see."

We've been down in the basement playing pool and he keeps shooting the cue ball in when trying to get the 8 ball in. He loses like that for 3 games. On the 4th loss he says

Dad: "I need to get some powder or something"

Me: "Huh?"

Dad: "For all these scratches"

Hi, everyone! A while back, I won a large stuffed giraffe in a contest, and it's just been sitting in my basement ever since. However, I've decided to use it to ask a girl to prom. My friends all know me as the resident pun aficionado, so I figured writing out a cute way of asking alongside it would work well. I'm struggling to come up with something, so I was wondering if you guys had any quality giraffe or neck puns I could use. Thanks in advance!

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and