I was so exhausted when I went to bed that I slept right through my son and his friends having a raging weed and heavy metal party in the yard all thru the night. As the sun came up, the party was still in full swing and my phone had blown up with messages complaining about the noise and the smell.
So I wake up in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream from the top of my lungs ‘WHAT’S GOIN’ ON?’
Edit: so happy that one of my home-made dad-jokes is so well-received :) thanks, everyone!
I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my son’s train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it...
I think I managed to cover my tracks...
Laying in bed just now, my pregnant wife says "I want pie."
I said I only know the first couple of digits, but I'd be willing to fake it if that's what's going to moisten the clam.
I was able to get an early flight home so I decided to surprise my wife. Got home about 10 PM. Walked in my bedroom with some flowers, and to my complete surprise, there is my wife in bed with my best friend. I couldn't believe it.
I then yelled for my dog to get off the bed.
I asked my wife if she married me because I'm good in bed.
She said, no, it's because I say funny things.
A daughter meets with her Dad for lunch. “Dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend” “Nice to meet you son, where you from?” “I’m from Watford, near London, by the way your daughter is so good in bed!” The father replies very upset and confused “What?!”
“Watford sir, near London.”
I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
My wife comes in and asks "Why are you still in bed, it's 2 in the Afternoon?"
I reply "I'm working under covers"
I haven’t slept in my own bed on my right side for 6 months...
Because my 3 year old is always on my back.
That’s it... that’s the joke.
My husband just asked if I wanted more time in bed…
…after some confusion I admitted that, yes, I wanted to stay in bed. He handed me a small jar of thyme.
I had the worst night last night. The ghost of Gloria Gaynor appeared in front of my bed.
At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.
Caught my wife in our bed with her doctor.
So I started putting an apple on our doorstep every morning.
When my grandpa was on his death bed, Death offered him ten more years of life if he could beat him in a pillow fight, but he refused.
He was afraid of the reaper cushions.
My girlfriend said I am terrible in bed
I said it was unfair of her to make a decision under a minute
I am a chemistry professor and I love it when my wife talks dirty to me in bed.
She is such a N O Ti Y Fe-male.
I was in my bed staring up at the stars and wondering...
Where the fuck did my roof go?
If my son doesn’t go to bed, I’m gonna put him in jail.
My wife thinks we should allow our pets to share our bed.... I finally gave in.
After 10 minutes, our goldfish finally settled down.
My new girlfriend told me I'm terrible in bed
I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.
One of my friends slipped in the bed of his truck and knocked himself out....
My boss told me I had to stay at home for 2 weeks after my wife bought me an espresso in bed this morning.
I mean, I only told him I woke up with a little coffee.
(On The Spot Joke) My Partner was in bed cracking her back and asked.....
“Hey can you hear my back crack”
I replied “yea can you hear my ass crack” then proceeded with the filthiest fart known to man
Absolute crack up. Hahahahahah even she laughed
I bought my daughter a Dorito bed. After many hours of assembly I told her she was free to lay in it.
My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."
True story: I was visiting my wife in the hospital but the room didn't have a bed to lay down in so I laid down on the floor since I was tired. The nurse came in and asked "having a good time down there"?
I said "oh yeah. I'm just floored".
My wife suggested we should try some role reversal in bed....
I overheard my wife complaining to her friends that I don’t last long enough in bed.
So I started taking melatonin. It helps.
Why did I come home to find a police officer in my bed?
They were an undercover cop.
On my death bed I’l request to be moved to a tub full of pees just before I die so people can say ‘may he rest in pees’
I decided to read my dictionary in bed last night, but I didn't finish it.
Doctor Doctor! At night in my bed I keep saying lines from The Lord of The Rings
That's ok, you're just Tolkien in your sleep.
I just told my wife that our son peed in our bed...
https://i.imgur.com/NWxO83ah.jpg
My son tried to make me a rest bed with a built-in water station, but the water kept squirting out.
I smiled and told him, "Hey, it's the cot that founts!"
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard, and taking poops on my flower bed.
My father had a stroke last night. While he was in his bed in the ER with slurred speech and half his face paralyzed, the nurse comes in and asks, "So, what brings you here tonight?"
"The ambulance", he says.
Awhile ago my roomate moved out, i was cleaning his old room when I stumbled upon a fake mustache in a box under his bed, when i asked him about it he replied:
“You finally found it, my secret stache”
My mom told me I would never accomplish anything lying around in bed..
Look at me now, saving lives!
Patient in hospital bed shouts to the doctor. Doctor Doctor I cant feel my legs!
I know that the doctor said; We have amputated your arms....
My son got in trouble today because he told me his bed was a mess
Then i found out he'd made the whole thing up
This morning, after a long night of binging, I got out of bed and looked in the mirror. I saw my haggard, worn-out body and overcome with emotion I realised that for the sake of my family I had to quit cold turkey.
Dadjoked my wife last night in bed.
Post sexytimes laying in bed:
Me: Lay your head on my chest.
Her: Alright, why?
Me: I wanted to give you a pec on the cheek.
I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
I told my 7 year old daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field."
Puzzled she asked, "What's that got to do with anything?
I chuckled, "Well that means....its pasture bedtime. "
Told my kids it was time for bed because the cows are sleeping in the field…
They said what’s that got to do with anything? I told them it’s pasture bedtime.
I said to my daughter, ”It’s time for bed, the cows are asleep in the field”. She asked ”what’s that got to do with anything’?
I said “It’s pasture bedtime”.
My wife suggested we should try some role reversal in bed....
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