In Heaven Puns

Jehovah's Fitness

I'm dad.

Meta-physical, physical

Cheeses.

That's where you find pair a dice

It’s called Holy Grounds.

Jesus was a carpenter.

Sky rim

Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself."

The man shrugged and said, “My wife told me to stand here.”

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

... why do they call it para-dice?

He says to the guy in front of him, “Hey, what did you do in your life?” The guy says, “I was a bus driver. I was a bad person. I wasn’t nice to people, I stole, and I always broke the law.” The preacher says, “I was a preacher. I always went to church and gave the best and longest sermons. I always prayed and read the Bible.” Finally, it’s the bus driver’s turn to tell God about his life. A few minutes later, he walks into heaven. The preacher walks up to God. God says, “What kind of things did you do in your life?” “Well, I went to church and gave great sermons. Do I get to go to heaven?” “I don’t know,” says God. “What? How come that dumb bus driver got to go to heaven?” God says, “When you gave your sermons, everyone fell asleep. But every time the bus driver was driving, there was at least one person on the bus who was praying.”

if you guessed "heaven nun" or "Angel nun" you are wrong. The answer is "nun of the above" !

A nun was fired from her job in heaven, so she came down to earth and started looking for a job. One night, when she is filling out a job application, there is a question that asks her to check the boxes next to the jobs that she has previously worked at. She looks at the answers for a second, and then checks the box marked, "Nun of the above."

David Bowie: "You look a bit down in the dumps, Bing. What's wrong?"

Bing Crosby: "my inflatable arsehole needs blown up."

Bowie: "Do you want to borrow my rubber bum pump?"

Bing: "Rubber bum pump?"

Bowie: "Rubber bum pump."

Ciabatta?

Focaccia?

Sourdough?

Actually it's Naan of the above.

Godzillow

Hebrew

Hi unforgiving, I'm dad"

"Yes you are"

A pair’a’dice

He said they were fruit smoothies.

Wife and I were at a buffet yesterday and we got to the booth with salad and fruit.

I headed straight for my favorite fruit and said "Don't mind if I honey-dooo."

She looks straight at me and says "Honey...don't" and walks off.

Jokes on her though, cause I had lots of honeydew and it was delicious.

Husband says "where 'saright one?"