If you are Russian when headed to the bathroom and Finnish when you come out, what are you when you are in the bathroom?
I went out to my car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..
..you could call it an Autumnobile now !
A few years ago, I visited a psychic who predicted that Joe Biden would beat Donald Trump in an election. She also predicted that soon, a global pandemic would break out and spread across the world.
In retrospect, her psychic vision was 2020.
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
I just saw a couple guys in white face act like they were caught in a trap and can't walk out.
Today I took a single Cheerio from my son’s bowl, stared him in the eyes, placed it on the table, smashed it with my fist, and said “Watch out...”
What transformer is made out of cardboard box and arrives in two days?
I'm having trouble finding out what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals!
I found what looked like a kitten frozen in my iced-over pool. I dug it out and let it defrost, it turned out to be a big squirrel.
I thought I thaw a pussycat.
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo
Out dad'd by my son. I was making breakfast and my son walked in.
I told him I was trying something new. He looked at the recipe and proclaimed,
Oh crêpe.
I took my son camping the other day. As we prepared I hid in his luggage and when he came over I jumped out and screamed
I was redoing the fence the other day, pulling all the 4x4s out and putting new ones in...
Sorry, just realized this was a repost.
This one little boy in about 4th or 5th grade was trying out for a school play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father.
His father was really proud of him. So his father asks what part did you get?
He replies I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.
His father congratulated him. And then he said “That’s good son, maybe next time you’ll get a talking role!”
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...he’s really a big lyre.
“Back in the day...” my dad started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well. But today...” he lamented...
“Wherever you go, there are those darn cameras!"
I own a steakhouse pub in which the counter can actually pop in and out of the floor
Let's say I raised the bar and set the steaks.
We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work. I got chatting to him, and it turns out he is a pilot on furlough, earning a bit of cash.
He did a lovely job of the landing.
What happens when a chair and a table helps out those in need?
A lumberjack was out cutting down trees in the forest one day. He went to swing his axe and the tree screamed "WAIT! I'M A TALKING TREE!!!!"
The lumberjack looked up at the tree and paused saying "well, you may be a talking tree, but I'll see that you die a log!"
My friend and I went fishing. He cast out first and got a bite. So he reeled in a trumpet. Then he cast out in a different area, got a bite and reeled in a clarinet.
After he cast out the third time, I said "maybe you'll reel in a bass soon!"
"Egg-plant" shirt by me. Never got why the vegetable was called that until I found out that they used to be white and look like goose eggs back in the day
What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and wet?
A german tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog. After he climbed out, he said, “here is ze dog, dry him off and keep him warm, he vill be fine. I asked him, “are you a vet?”
He said, “vet? I’m fucking soaking”
What’s Irish, stays out all summer and goes inside in winter?
My son had a rough time at little league practice - after striking out three times, he lost interest and wouldn’t stop smelling the dandelions in the outfield, getting one stuck in his nose.
I finally figured out why almost no one in my family finds my cheesy jokes and puns good.
They are all laughtose intolerant.
What's Irish and comes out in the spring?
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied “baby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
I was in an elevator and got out at the 10th floor.
The operator said ‘Have a nice day son’. ‘Don’t call me son’ I said. ‘You’re not my dad’
The operator scratched his head and said ‘No, but I brought you up didn’t I?’
This morning, after a long night of binging, I got out of bed and looked in the mirror. I saw my haggard, worn-out body and overcome with emotion I realised that for the sake of my family I had to quit cold turkey.
This jerk in an expensive vehicle cut me off and expected me to get out of his way.
Ambulances, I can't stand them.
Geese fly in a V-formation for aerodynamics, and when the lead goose gets tired he switches out his position. But one side of the V is almost always longer than the other. Do you know why?
My dad told me to look in the fridge and check out the milk that went bad
You go into the bathroom American, and you come out American... What are you when you're in the bathroom?
European
I figured we could all use a light hearted chuckle right about now.
Love you all out there and stay well!
Got told this one is scouts a long time ago. If you’re Russian when you’re walking in the bathroom and German when you come out, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?
Prisoner tunnels out of jail and emerges in a school playground shouting “I’m free”!
Little girl walks up and shouts “I’m four!”
Seems a little inappropriate having a strip club across the road from Mini golf in town. I’m a pretty liberal guy but if I’m having a day out with my family the last thing I want to look across the road and see is a bunch of losers playing mini golf.
My wife is teaching my little ones (3/1) about bugs so they wrote “Ant” in honey on a piece of paper to attract them and set it out on the deck. She was sad When we went out to check later that day, only one was there.
You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!
I was out in the desert on psychedelics , and I started tripping way too hard. So I took an acid reducer.
It didn't help me one bit!!!!
Pete and Repeat were in a boat, Pete fell out. Who was left?
Repeat.
Pete and Repeat were in a boat, Pete fell out. Who was left?
Repeat.
Pete and Repeat were in a boat, Pete fell out. Who was left?
Repeat.
Etc.
i went to the doctor's woth my parents, and found out i have tapeworms in my stomach. the doctor showed us some pictures of tapeworms. and both my parents fainted.
i guess ive got a stomach for it
I came out to my Car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..
..you could call it an Autumnobile now !
If you're American when you go in the bathroom and American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom?
If you're Canadian when you go into the bathroom and again when you come out.. What are you whilst you're in there?
What goes in long and hard, then comes out soft and wet?
We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work on the house. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot who’s been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.
He made a lovely job of the landing.
Pete and Repete sat in a boat. Pete fell out. Who's left?
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