Ill Fitting Puns

It was Toulouse.

He had a narrow S cape.

Because good habits are hard to maintain and bad habits are hard to break.

A guy wanted to ask a girl to prom.

He wanted to do it right and give her flowers so he went to the flower shop where there was a line.

So he had to wait, and wait, and wait, and wait, and wait.

He got the flowers, asked the girl, and she said yes. Then he had to get a tux for prom. So he went to the tux shop and there was a line.

So he had to wait, and wait, and wait, and wait, and wait.

Then he got his tux and it fit perfectly. He wanted to get the girl a corsage for prom. He went back to the flower shop and there was a line.

So he had to wait, and wait, and wait, and wait, and wait.

He got the corsage and gave it to the girl. Then they went to prom and there was a line at the door.

So they had to wait, and wait, and wait, and wait, and wait.

They got in and danced for some time. But all the dancing made them thirsty, so the guy decided to go get some punch.

He walked over to the punch bowl.

There was no punchline.

I'll try son but I don't think they'll fit me...

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.

Ill call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant

Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.

How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.

Where’s the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.

An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks “may I join you?”

Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s a hardware problem.

I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to ‘back dat ass up’.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

I changed my password to “incorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn’t know who he was.

I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn’t have internet.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardwar

I wasn't sure if it fit but it made me think of this sub.

I was in the hospital with my dad. Late night, new nurse walks in.

Her: "Hello. My name is Angel, and I'll be your nurse tonight."

Dad: Looks up. "Well if you're an Angel I must be in heaven."

Me: "Oh my god. Really?"

Him: "I'll be wearing the same kilt as the groom."

Me: "Really? How are you both going too fit in there?"

Link

This is not my content, which is sorta kinda against this r/'s policy, but I couldn't find it on here and thought it fit perfectly. If mods have a real beef with me posting it, I'll happily take it down.

Me: Drink? Dad: Wouldn't say no to a cuppa. Me: I'll put the kettle on. Dad: Let me know if it fits!

Oh Dad!

My 6th grade teacher had a reputation of being the meanest, strictest teacher on campus, but once I made it through his class, I realized he could be a jokester, too.

-In math class, he liked to tell a long, complicated story about a boy encountering a genie, eventually wishing for some odd things, just to end it with the punchline, "Gee, I'm a tree." (geometry)

-Another one of his long jokes consisted of a man being chased by a hearse. In a fit of desperation, he throws some Halls throat lozenges at it...."and the coffin went away."

-During study time, he would sometimes grab a balloon from his desk, blow it up, and proceed to slowly let air out of it, just to produce the squeaky noise.

-His favorite short joke: "Doctor, doctor, I broke my arm in three places!" "I advise you to stay out of those places."

-He was also probably the all-time leader of correcting, "Can I go to the bathroom?"

-He would also occasionally play opera music at the end of the day, not dismissing the class until we made it through an entire song without laughing.

-There were also a couple words that incited a specific reaction from him. Many of these words showed up often in history class, which is his favorite subject (probably because of all the jokes):

• CARGO - "cargo beep beep".

• RAY - Whenever the word or name "ray" was mentioned, he would always respond with "You can call me Ray, or you can call me Jay, but ya doesn't have to call me Johnson." Needless to say, we hated the math lesson about rays.

• HUDSON - During mentions of the Hudson River in history, he would always sing back "HUDSON 3-2-700."

• OKLAHOMA - Whenever Oklahoma came across, he would sing the famous line from Oklahoma! the musical. (with an especially long "ohhhhhhh!")

• SURELY - "...and don't call me Shirley." (but of course, who doesn't respond with that?)

• GERONIMOOOO!!!! - pretty self explanatory.

• Sticking with these obscure quotes and references, his two favorite days of the year are November 5th and March 15th.

Anyway, it was a fun year with that teacher. I'll add more of his quirks if I think of any.

-Also,

Waitress: "What can I get y'all to drink?"

Grandpa: "I'll have a sweet tea."

W: "Well we only have unsweet so you can add your sugar how you like."

G: pointing at my grandma " Well I don't think she'll fit, and I'm not sure if I like her!"

Well, I'm so glad it turns out there is a subreddit to put all of my dad's corny jokes... I have one of my pop's favorites for ya today, anyway here it goes:

A man is waiting for his wife to have a baby (you can tell this is an old joke) and since this is his first child he is extremely nervous. After some time a doctor comes out of this wife's room and says "Mr. So and So, there's been a complication... your baby boy has no arms." The man is shocked, and after a bit of a fit says "It's okay, it's okay I'll still love him like a normal boy."

After another hours wait the doctor comes back to the man saying "Mr. So and so... there's been another complication... your baby has no legs." Again, the man is shocked, but he says "It's okay, it's okay I'll still love him like any other normal boy!"

After a two hours wait the doctor again comes to the man and says "Sir, another complication... your child has no torso..." The man throws another fit, but eventually says "It's okay, I'll still love him no matter what!"

Finally, at the end of the day the doctor comes back to the man and says "Mr. So and So, your child has no body at all... in fact your child is just a giant eyeball..." The man flips out and screams "Could it get any worse!?"

"He's blind."

My father drinks much tea and very often the conversation ressembles

DAD: Could you put the kettle on

ME: I'll try but i doubt it'll fit.