Ill Considered Puns

We don't live together any more, but I'll always consider him my flat mate.

A man gets in a cab at 33rd St. and Park Ave. and says, "I need to get to the Palmer House."

The cabbie says, "The Palmer House Hotel?"

The man says, "Yeah."

The cabbie says, "That's on Wabash in Chicago."

The man says, "Yeah."

The cabbie says, "I'm not gonna drive you to Chicago. I'll take you to LaGuardia, you can get on a plane."

The man says, "No, I can't do that, I've got a debilitating fear of heights, I can't fly. Can you drive me to the Palmer House?"

The cabbie says, "No, you can get out, walk a few blocks west, get on a train at Penn Station."

The man says, "That won't work, either. I got a conference at the Palmer House I got to get to by tomorrow morning. I need a cab."

The cabbie says, "Look, do you know how expensive a cab ride from New York to Chicago's gonna be?"

The man opens his wallet, offers the cabbie ten $100 bills, and says, "I'll give you the rest when you get me there."

The cabbie considers it, takes the money, and begins the trip.

He drives out of Manhattan, west down 33rd St. until he merges onto the Lincoln Tunnel ramp, then through the Lincoln Tunnel and into New Jersey, then through New Jersey until he merges onto the Pennsylvania Turnpike, then through Pennsylvania until he merges onto the Ohio Turnpike, then through Ohio until he merges onto the Indiana Turnpike, then through Indiana until, finally, he merges onto the Chicago Skyway Bridge.

(He stopped for gas a couple of times.)

But from the Skyway in Chicago it's a short trip to the Palmer House: he exits the interstate at Stony Island Ave. and takes it north to 57th St., where he turns right to merge onto Jean Baptiste Point du Sable Lake Shore Dr. He drives north up to Roosevelt Rd., then cuts over to Michigan Ave., takes it up to Ida B. Wells Dr., and then cuts over to Wabash Ave. He starts to take a right so he can drive north up Wabash to the Palmer House, then stops, realizes Wabash is a southbound one-way street, curses, and continues straight onto Dearborn St.

He turns right on Dearborn and takes it up to Monroe St., then cuts over once more to Wabash Ave., takes a right onto Wabash and drives one block south until, finally, he arrives at the Palmer House Hilton Hotel in Chicago.

The man pays the cabbie the rest of the fare (about $1950, but the man rounds it up to $2.5 grand with tip), thanks him, and sprints into the hotel just in time for his conference.

And, wouldn't you know it, as soon as the man is out of the cab, a woman sees the New York c

So there was a man who considered himself the greatest fighter in the world. Every time he got in a fight growing up, he'd win, and it would never even be close. Eventually he ran out of people in town to fight, and he decided that he'd travel the world, looking for all the best fighters, and beat them in combat.

He travels to Japan, China, India, Russia, France, Ireland, going all about the world, fighting everyone who thinks they're the best fighters in the world- and beats them easily. There's no real sense of competition, he just defeats every challenger in humiliating fashion.

But travelling the world looking for the best fighters takes a lot of time, and there's always another person thinking that they're the best fighter in the world, so he issues a challenge to anyone in the world who thinks that they're the best fighter to come to his house and fight.

The day arrives, and HUNDREDS of people have shown up. All of the best practitioners of all the world's martial arts have shown up. There's a group of judoka from Japan, Israeli Krav Maga artists stretching out on one side of the room, the Muay Thai artists are doing light striking to warm up- everyone seems represented here. The guy who started all this says "OK, there are a lot of you here, and the only way we'll be able to finish this today is if we group you all up by discipline, you all form a line, and I'll beat each of you in turn."

So he starts with the wrestlers, who line up one at a time. One at a time they come at him, and none of them last longer than a minute before having their shoulders pinned to the ground. Not only do they all get beaten, but it seems like this guy is actually winning his fights faster as the day goes on! Some of the fighters from the other disciplines watch this display, and they start leaving.

The guy looks at his watch, and realizes that three hours have gone by in fighting the wrestlers. So he gestures to the Muay Thai artists and says "I'll now fight you, but I'll fight you four at a time!" The Muay Thai fighters figure they can knock this guy out quickly, then settle the honor of who the best fighter is amongst themselves, so they line up four by four, rush in, and in a flurry of elbows and knees, they all end up knocked out on the ground. Four by four the Muay Thai fighters rush in, only for this guy to remain standing after all of them. This is intimidating to the other fighters who are watching, and more people start heading home.

H

' I was considering buying a new matress. The salesman was pushing quite hard for the sale, but I was unsure so I said to him "I'm not sure still, I'll have to sleep on it" '

I feel the dad brewing inside me!

You break the fourth wall.

(I kind of doubt I'm the first person to come up with this joke, but since I haven't come across it before I'll consider it OC until proven wrong)

Here's the background:

Before my wife and I were dating, but after we had officially met, I saw her at my regular pool hall one night. She was wearing some "worn in" jeans with all kinds of holes in the legs. At some point during the night, I approached her.

> Me: "Did you know that your jeans have holes in them?"

> Her: (confused) "Yeah..."

> Me: "Did you know that it's very distracting?"

I then walked away and proceeded to not talk to her at all the rest of the night and just let the idea simmer.

Fast forward 2.5 years >>>

We were married and expecting our first child. When we discovered she was pregnant, I thought it'd be a good idea to get our genomes checked out by 23andme to see if we were carriers of anything.

I was reading the results out to her and started with myself. I was fascinated by how perfectly I was described by the report. Almost every physical aspect was right on the money.

I then started reading her results. And it was a perfect match... for her sister. The results didn't describe my wife at all, but they did almost 100% match her (not a twin) sister. I chuckled to myself and looked at her.

> Me: Do you know what this means?

> Her: What?

> Me: Your genes have holes in them.

I consider this my crowning achievement in both dad jokes and overall pundom. I don't think I'll ever top that one.

Daughter: Why are you so mean! Me: Well, I consider myself to be above average. Daughter: What's that mean? Me: I suppose I could assign each letter a value and then add them up and give you the mean. Daughter: Are you crazy? Me: No, that's how you calculate the mean. Daughter: I don't know what that means. Me: I don't know yet either, I have to calculate it. Daughter: Ugh, why do you have to be like this. I'll be home at eleven.

Game, set, match, Dad wins.

Didn't surprise me, considering how cold tinnitus.

(I'll see myself out)

Hello ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

I've been very busy with personal stuff for the past few weeks, so I've let this subreddit drift unattended. Reading some of the reports and comments after coming back makes me realize that my absence led to some unwanted events happening!

Let's start with the fun stuff: We now have a new fancy rulebook! If you suspect a post of breaking these rules, feel free to report it in the relevant category, or use (8) other if you suspect it to slip through the cracks of one of the other rules.

Secondly, as of right now, we do not have an explicit rule forbidding inflammatory subjects like race, politics, etc, as the rest of reddit seems to be melting down, but so far we remain unscathed. I wish to let you all crack puns like adults without having to put on training wheels, but if any of the above subjects become a problem then I will swiftly revisit this. Consider this a privilege, not a right, and do try to avoid abusing it! Piggybacking off this, any post that is more 'lewd' than PG should be NSFW tagged. If it is inappropriate for an office setting, I will manually NSFW it, and repeat offenders will have consequences.

Third, you can now request puns! start a self post with [request] and put in whatever information is necessary, such as "[request] puns about clocks".

I'll keep this post stickied for about a week or so, to keep it as a nice feedback net, and we can adjust rules, add/delete/modify them as needed, to keep our subreddit of lovely puns in peak condition!

So, my dad could be considered a regular jokester. He had his dad jokes, his dirty jokes, clean but provocative joke, setup jokes, everything. He never missed a chance to turn something into a joke for hinself, even, and perpahs especially, if it only amused himself. I found out at an young age that no situation is too serious for him.

I was around 9 years old and I was in the cub scouts, and it was box car derby season. I was in the dining room, carving away at my block of wood when the blade in my right hand skipped the wood and carved my left thumb. It fucking hurt and bled like a sonofabitch. I immediately starting screaming and my dad raced into the room and found me covered in blood, my left hand now with two thumbs. We get it wrapped and he drives me to the emergency room. By the time we got there the bleeding had stopped and I have stopped crying. As we pull up, my dad looks st me, shakes his head and says "We can't go in there like this, we'll end up waiting forever to see a doctor. You need to cry once we're in there and that'll help" I said ok, and he said as we were walking up, "I'll give you a signal to start crying." How will i know, i asked him snd he just said i'll know. We go inside and walk up to the admittance desk. I'm short, so at the time my head just cleared the desk. My dad tells the nurse that we have a cut, and need to see a doctor right away. The nurse pushes paperwork at him and he tells her again, this time that its a real bad cut. The nurse finally looks at me for the first time and she frowns, because im relatively normal looking, even though im hurting and nervous, waiting for my dads signal. My dad pulls me back a bit and her eyes widen really big when she sees all the dried blood caked on the lower left side of my body. She starts getting excited and says "Ohmygoshohmygosh" over and over and this point im starting to get scared when my Dad, in a serious voice says "Its even worse than it looks! You're going to have to take the whole hand!"

Then I start crying.

When I was little, my dad asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. My brother considered it for a moment before he spoke. "I want to be the oldest man in the world!"

My dad smiled, and replied without missing a beat. "And I'll be right there with you when you do."

Me and my friends were talking about the amount of schoolwork I'll be involved next semester. One of the courses I am taking is a Spanish class to fulfill a GE so I can graduate next semester. My friend, who's fluent in Spanish, told me it'll be a piece of cake.

Me: Hey, if Spanish is easy for you, do you think you can write my essays for me? (jokingly)

Him: I'll consider it. Depends on how hard the course is and what books you have to read for the class.

Me: Well, for the final paper, do you think you can give me a C, ese?

Him: Yeah, that shou... wait...

He let out a horrible groan while the other immediately got up and left the room while groaning. I'm pretty sure I could've made it a little bit better, but I'm happy with that.

I knew a Canadian plumber who was considering buying a toilet at an auction.

After a while he said, "Maybe I'll make a bid, eh."