I was watching a live performance when the floor gave way and one of the actors fell through. My wife asked if I thought they were ok.

I said I’m sure they’re fine, it’s just a stage they’re going through.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
If I fell into the river that flows through Paris...

...am I legally in Seine?

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
🚨︎ report
The kids were climbing a tree today, and I told them that if they fell...

they'd be grounded.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnforcedErrer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
🚨︎ report
We were driving our mini-van behind a truck carrying porta-potties and my wife said "It would suck if those fell off in front of us" and I said

"The shit would really hit the van then". snort

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KnivesMakeMe
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2017
🚨︎ report
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of a boat?

If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wildman1286
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I was eating mixed nuts with my girlfriend

... when one accidentally fell out of my mouth and into the nut bowl. My girlfriend then asked: "So if I find a wet nut in there, I'm just supposed to act ca-shew?"

Yeah, I'm definitely putting a ring on her.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/webs7er
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
The man and the silver screw.

There once was this fella was born with a silver screw in his belly button. His parents, and later himself, searched far and wide trying to find someone that knew how this happened and how to remove it. As he grew older he cared less and less about the "how" and more about the removal. One day in his never-ending search he encountered a wizened woman who said that she knew of a place where you could go and a mysterious force would be able to remove the screw. But, before she provided the location she asked him if this was REALLY something he wanted done and if he knew all the consequences of his desire. The man hastily said that he was 10000% sure and more than well informed of the consequences. So, she gave him the location of the cave and the instructions on how to gain the help of the mysterious force. He was to go to the cave and sleep nude in the cave over night and by the morning his request would be fulfilled. He made his way to the spot with all due haste and followed the instructions to the letter. He did this and fell into a sound sleep. During the night a heavy fog rolled into the cave and a shining silver screwdriver floated into the cave with it. It floated down to the man and gently removed the screw. When the man woke up in the morning and saw the screw on the ground beside him he quickly reached down and felt his belly button. The screw was gone! He sprung up with great joy but the minute he landed after his leap of joy his butt fell off. He froze in horror and started to scream "Why did my butt fall off?" over and over.

The moral of the story is "Don't mess with things you don't understand or you will lose your butt."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jj8o8
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
I took my bicycle to the bottle shop the other day...

I got a bottle of vodka and put it in the bike's basket. As I was about to leave I thought to myself that if I fell the bottle would break. So I drank all the vodka and then headed home. It turned out to be a really good decision because I fell eleven times on my way home.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeGuy1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I feel like if my family and friends were selecting the epitaph for my tombstone they would go with "He meant well."

Especially if my last words were "Help! I fell in the wall!"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bleacher_seat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Long story about a tragedy that once happened to me.

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the porch out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mickerallen100
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad’s Big Day Out

I witnessed an apple store robbery today, they made me an iWitness. I was already running late, after my wife took my cheese this morning. Even after I told her it was Nacho cheese. She asked what time my dentist appointment was, I told her Tooth hurt-y. But I didn’t end up going, as there was stairs I had to ascend. I don’t trust them, they’re always up to something. Then my wife got really mad at me and said that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

I went straight to the barber for a new look. He asked me if I wanted a haircut? I said no, I want them all cut. Puzzled he would ask such a silly question, I noticed the graveyard across the street looking overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there I thought. I picked up a book about anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down! Shear amazement a barber would have a book like this! I told the barber I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me. He stopped cutting my hair when my ear fell off. He must of realised I was a leper at this point so I paid for his service and told him to keep the tip.

I received a call from my Eastern European mother in law, apparently my child was refusing to sleep during nap time. She told me he’s guilty of resisting a rest. Then she called me straight back to say there was a kidnapping. I rushed to her home to find my kid napping. I was angry by the miscommunication but that anger turned to joy when I realised it was the first day of spring. I got so excited I wet my plants. After which I realised I was late for soccer practice. I’m not a big fan of the sport but I was doing it for the kicks. I decided not to go as I was tired from the night before where I spent the night looking for the sun. Then it dawned on me. Unusual for me, as I’m usually a pretty good sleeper. I can do it with my eyes closed.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lovethebigones
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
My Vietnamese driver told me several riddles yesterday, do you know what they were?

First off a six-parter

  1. If there are 500 rocks on a plane and you throw one out, how many are left? A: 499
  2. How do you get an elephant into a fridge? This is a three part process A: open the door, put in the elephant, close the door.
  3. How do you get a giraffe into a fridge? This is a four part process A: open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the door.
  4. All the animals go to heaven for a meeting, but one can't come, why not? A: the giraffe, it's in the fridge.
  5. A weak old lady has to cross a river full of alligators, how does she get across? A: the alligators are at the meeting in heaven.
  6. As soon as the old lady gets across the river she dies, how? A: the rock fell on her head.

No 2 A real cool guy walks into a cafe. He wearing sunglasses, tidy haircut, but just a super cool guy all round. He orders a glass of condensed milk and puts it on his table. Next time the waitress walks past he asks for a glass of black coffee. Now he has a glass of milk and a glass of coffee next to each other, this guy is real cool. Next time the waitress walks past he orders a glass of ice. She's happy to do that for this dude because he is so cool. He mixes the milk and coffee with the ice and stirs with his little spoon. Looks good. The old man that owns the cafe walks up to him and says, 'I see your in the Navy". How did he know?

A: he was wearing a naval uniform.

Anyone know similar nonsense?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Patyboomba
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
🚨︎ report
124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
A girl was putting up a sign.

A girl was putting up a sign, and while she was putting the individual letters in, the letter "i" fell out.

A guy happened to see the letter dropping and jumped to stop it from hitting the ground.

He caught it and the girl was thankful that he did so, this led to one thing and another, and soon they were dating.

To him, she was so charming, when he asked if she was this charming to other guys, she said :

"No, you just happened to catch my I."

πŸ‘︎ 231
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2017
🚨︎ report
Why do scuba divers fall back into the water from boats?

Because if they fell forwards they'd fall in the fuckin' boat.

(credit goes to SL, an old co-worker)

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tootphaste
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Church School

Sally was at Sunday school, when she fell asleep. The teacher realizes this and says, β€œSally who is the creator of life?” Her friend, Colin, who sat behind her. Poked her with a needle to wake her up. She wakes with a jump and yells, β€œGOD ALMIGHTY” The teacher responds, β€œVery good Sally.” Soon later, Sally falls back asleep. The teacher, again notices and says to her, β€œSally who is our savior?” Colin again, pokes her with a needle. Sally jumps up and yells, β€œJESUS CHRIST!” The teacher responds, β€œVery good.” For a third time Sally falls asleep. The teacher, having enough of it, asked, β€œSally, what did Eve say to Adam after they had their 17th child?.” Colin again, pokes Sally with a needle to wake her up. She jumps up and yells, β€œI SWEAR TO GOD, if you shove that thing in me one more time, I’m going to rip it from you, and shove up your throat!”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NashYaBoi
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Set myself up for a Dad joke and it paid off

Yesterday while cleaning the kitchen and throwing out old stuff from the freezer, I put a set of coupons for Harvey's restaurant in there.

This morning I got up and they were on top of the fridge. I asked my wife if she'd removed them and she said she thought they fell in there by accident.

"No," I said, "I didn't want them to expire."

πŸ‘︎ 475
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GringoDeMaio
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2017
🚨︎ report
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?

Because if they fell forwards, they’d still be in the boat!

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/halokost
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the bottle shop the other day on my bicycle...

bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off my bike, the bottle would break.

So I drank all the whiskey and then rode home.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on the way home!

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/growupyall
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do scuba divers fall backward out of the boat?

Because if they fell forward they’d still be in the boat!

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DueceOfAce
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do Scuba Divers fall backwards off a boat.....

... cause if they fell forwards they end up on the deck.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ZimbaZumba
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?

Because if they fell forward they would still be in the boat

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/extremeavYT
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of a boat?

If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wildman1286
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat into the water?

Because if they fell forward, they would still be in the boat.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tyrannosaur85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat?

Because if they fell forward they would still be in the boat.

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/artvandelay440
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?

Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of boats?

It's because if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jshrad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2016
🚨︎ report
You know why scuba divers fall into the water backwards?

If they fell over forwards, they'd fall back into the boat.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KnobCreek9year
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?

Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat?

Because if they fell forward they would still be in the boat

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BuckledSpice
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?

Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?

Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?

Because if they fell forward they would still be in the boat

πŸ‘︎ 95
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/brookscorbs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the ocean?

If they fell forward they would still be on the boat.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rollinSwan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do Scuba Divers fall backwards off of the boat?

Because if they fell forwards, they’d still be in the boat.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thatoneboii
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do divers always fall backwards off the boat?

Because if they fell forwards, they would still be in the boat.

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JephriB
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do divers fall backward out of the boat?

Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Datboifritz113
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do scuba divers always fall backwards into the water?

Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.

πŸ‘︎ 319
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sirflow
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2017
🚨︎ report
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?

Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jamstagram
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?

If they fell forward they'd still be in the boat!

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pharm_panda
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
🚨︎ report
more dad jokes

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"

5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat?

Because if they fell forwards, they’d still be on the boat.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cock_Vomit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Watching divers on TV with my wife. I asked her β€œDo you know why divers fall backwards into the water?”

β€œCause if they fell forwards they’d fall into the boat.”

I’ve never seen her eyes roll harder.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jesus_Shaves_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad, question.... Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?

Because son, if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chixdiggiit
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2017
🚨︎ report

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