Sylvester Stallone says he wants to make a movie about classical music. He says, “I will be Beethoven.” Jean Claude Van Damme says, “I’ll be Mozart.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger said, “C’mon guys, don’t make me say it.”
A man loses three fingers in a work accident. He goes to the Emergency room and asks the doctor... "Will I be able to drive with this hand?". The doctor replies...
"Maybe. But I wouldn't count on it."
I invented a transparent coffin. Will it be a success?
Doctor: I will be delivering the baby
Dad: I’d prefer the baby with a liver
*NOTE: NOT MY OC!!
When I told my client that I will be sending him a bill, he jokingly asked, 'Gates or Clinton?'
Imagine his shock when he received a perfectly preserved beak of a bird. Attached to that bird's bill was a note from me - 'Toucan play at this game!'
After this storm, I will no longer be able to make jokes about the drought in California
There goes my dry sense of humor
If you fall, I promise I will be there for you.
I walked into the kitchen and immediately my parrot went, "Quiiiiick, quiiiiiick...my husband will be home soon. Quiiiiick quiiiiick! Home soon!"
I walked up to her and said, "You never told me you were married. Let me know when he arrives."
I asked a programmer what his New Year's resolution will be.
I can always tell what the score will be before the Football game starts
My kid wanted a balloon at mall. The cashier said that will be 15 dollars. I asked why so much?
I told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year
I'm now dealing with emotional baggage
I told my wife that I will be picking pizza and coke on the way back from work
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
Doc, after tomorrow’s operation, will I be able to play the guitar ?
-Of course…
-Cool ! I can’t do it at the moment !
I need help constructing a double, possibly triple pun (which will probably still be terrible, but I need it done lol)
Okay the skeleton of the pun is:
- the bar is low
- the bar is so low it's in hell
- the devil's advocate passed the bar
I once stayed at a hotel and asked the nice, and mildly attractive, front desk attendant if their breakfast was any good. 'It will be a lot better if you're there!'
It was a complimentary breakfast.
I just read the announcement that they will be updating the parking restrictions down by the pond.
All violators will be Toad.
I already know what the score will be in the Super Bowl before the game even starts.
I’m worried next year will be just like last year.
Last year was 2020. Next year is …
Tonight, I will be judging the "World's Largest Ribeye" competition. I am not sure who will win.
I don’t think there will be a sequel to the Depp-Heard case…
…as Ms. Heard has already made a number 2
My school professor say I will be a good pilot...
He say I have air in my head
Some people think that a ministry of truth is a bad idea, but I don't. Because then nothing true will ever be...
I ran a computer simulation and in 3028 years things will be either really good or really bad.
I heard there will be a Beatles pun competition.
Paul McCartney will heyjudeicate
My gf and I are removing old ducting from our house that contains asbestos. She asked if the workers will for sure be able to get rid of it all.
I told her they'll do asbestos they can!
On Ash Wednesday I will be giving up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights
It's going to be completely Excel Lent.
I like to think one day everyone in this subreddit will be dropped off by their children at the old folks home (hopefully the same one). Then collectively, we could all look back with fond memories how they were once babies but since then
I will be RICH soon.
I submitted my petition to change my name from Jose to Rich last week so anytime...
Did you know after a male bee has the sexy times it will die? I suppose its life can be summed up in three words.....
I’m driving through England, and will be staying in Greenwich tomorrow.
Not sure what to do in the Mean Time.
My dad got an air fryer for Christmas. I asked him what the first thing he's going to cook with it will be.
He said "I'm dunno... I guess I'll fry up some air."
Today I will be talking about the Makita 18V Cordless 1/2-Inch Hammer Drive
I'm about to have an operation on my wrist. I asked the doctor "Will I be able to play piano after this?"
He said "Oh don't worry, you'll be playing within 2 weeks!"
I said "That's amazing, I've always wanted to play piano."
I’m going to ask my wife if she will be my “valen-tine”!!!
I am at the waiting room of the doctor’s office, wondering when my girlfriend’s checkup will be over.
Sitting at the Doc of the Bae, wasting time.
I just paid £900 for a sofa and I’ve been told it will be 6 weeks until delivery…..
Does anyone know where I stand?
I figured out what the next fast and furious movie will be called
My professor wrote on his syllabus "If anyone asks me how I'm doing, my answer will always be 'I am great, how are you?'"
So when we ask him how he's doing, his answer is "It's on the syllabus".
Doctor: I will be delivering the baby
Dad: I'd prefer the baby with a liver
Doctor: I will be delivering the baby-
Me: I'd prefer a baby with a liver
Doctor: I will be delivering the baby.
Dad: I would prefer the baby with a liver.
Doctor: I will be delivering the baby
Father: I would prefer a baby with a liver
I told my suitcases just now there will be no holiday this year.
I'm now dealing with emotional baggage.
I told my suit cases just how There will be no holiday this year
I'm now dealing with emotional baggage
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