I’m driving through England, and will be staying in Greenwich tomorrow.
Not sure what to do in the Mean Time.
My professor wrote on his syllabus "If anyone asks me how I'm doing, my answer will always be 'I am great, how are you?'"
So when we ask him how he's doing, his answer is "It's on the syllabus".
I’m going to ask my wife if she will be my “valen-tine”!!!
Was so proud of my boys. I just asked them what we should call the can opener that just broke. I’m an instant they said, “A can’t opener?” They will be good dads someday!
A pic for anyone who wants to see it:
https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/lum6ev/so_if_this_is_broken_would_it_now_be_a_cant_opener/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Overheard at work: On my 40th birthday, I will be celebrating…
The first anniversary of my 39th birthday.
Archeologists will be digging for a lost village near my home. I hope they find some signs of life.
If I am ever in a sinking ship, I think I will be prepared.
If I am ever in a sinking ship, I think I will be prepared.
Because I have a list.
I wonder, will glass coffins be popular someday?
My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name. I reassured him, "Don't be silly!"
"Why would anyone pick on you, Someoneyourownsize!?"
**Genie: I will grant you 2 wishes** **Me: I want to be rich.** **Genie: Okay granted, second wish?** **Rich: I'd like loads of money.**
I told my suitcases just now there will be no holiday this year.
I'm now dealing with emotional baggage.
NASA put a watch around a potted plant and sent it on a rocket to the sun. I said to my Daughter, "don't worry, it will be ok.."
"a watched pot never boils"
I wonder if there will be a term for a President who’s been impeached twice
At least I know there won’t be two terms!
Today I will be talking about the Makita 18V Cordless 1/2-Inch Hammer Drive
I heard Mike Tyson will be launching a Christian dedicated social media site.
He's calling it "Faithbook".
My girlfriend and I always disagree whether tea or coffee is superior, she said tea will always be there to comfort you, I said...
My wife has just gave birth at the hospital. I pulled the doctor away for a minute and asked "how soon do you think we will be able to have sex?"
He thought about it for a bit and said "I am off-duty in 10mins, meet me in the car park"
I know what the Redskins new name will be.
The Possums. The play dead at home and get killed on the road.
When I die bury me on the weekend. Because the day I die will be sad,
But the funeral will be on a sadder day.
I have a feeling that Kim Jong Un will soon be...
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
I just told my suitcase that there will be no vacation this year, it sucks!
Emotional baggage is the worst!
It’s been written before and I’m sure it will be written again, the dry erase board is so remarkable...
*written on before...*written on again... some jerk keeps rubbing it off 😁
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
I just realized what current newborns of the Islamic faith will be called from 2033-2040
R.I.P. boiled water... you will be mist
I will not be practicing social distancing..
I am much safer with my usual anti social distancing.
I figured out what the next fast and furious movie will be called
Doctor, will i be able to shit tomorrow?
I don't know. I'm not a asstrologist.
The only reason I am voting for Elizabeth Warren is that she will bring stability to the White House. She will never be impeached.
She comes with a warranty.
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
Found a costume for the next dress-up party, I think it will be a great converseATION starter.
This year’s theme for Burning Man is “Metamorphoses”. There will be lots of butterfly stuff so I made a sticker.
Scheduled my vasectomy today, and my wife will be recovering from our last baby. I’m sure no one will find this as funny as I did.
I’m postponing my vision check-up till next year. (I’m told it will be 2020 by then)
Stop worrying about next year. I know for a fact that everything will be OK. How do I know?
If I ever write a book of 1001 jokes, I don’t know what the first 8 will be.
But the 9th will be “the title of this book was in binary”
When I win the nobel prize, this will be my speech:
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side; my hips, for never lying; my legs, for always supporting me; my fingers and toes, for I can always count on them
I’m traveling through England and will be in Greenwich tomorrow.
Not sure what to do in the Mean Time.
My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name. I said, "Don't be silly!"
"Why would anyone pick on you, Someoneyourownsize!?"
R.I.P boiled water you will be mist.
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