I want to die like my grandpa, sleeping peacefully.
Not desperately screaming like the people in the bus he was driving.
No joke here. I just want to tell any dads out there that may be struggling to keep your heads up...
When you look down, all you see is defeat.
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked, “Do you want to hear today’s special?” I said, “Yes please.”
Waiter: “No problem, sir. Today is special.”
Edit: [op] Wow, thanks for the votes & awards!
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery... Matthew: "Can I get three loaves of bread please?" Baker: "What type do you want sir?"
Matthew: "All rye, all rye, all rye."
It's clever and cute and I want one
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...
“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"
This woman walked up to me in a bar. She said, "You know what I want? I want a man that can make jokes about space!"
I said, "You'll meteorite man some day."
When I die, I want to be cremated.
It’ll be my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.
I want to make a joke about being sleep deprived
But I just don’t know the rest
I didn't want a brain transplant
Luckily they changed my mind
I want to set up cloning machine in your house too
I want to make a pun about boats but can't think of one.
I got a new girlfriend and I want to make short jokes…
But I’m afraid they’ll just go over her head
I want a movie with Whoopi Goldberg and Bruce Willis where they learn to do new things.
It should be called ‘Old Habits Die Hard’
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather
Not panicking like his passengers
I want to become more independent...
But no one will help me :(
I want to buy a new telescope...
...but the prices are astronomical.
When I die I want to be buried in two coffins attached side by side.
That way I can comfortably turn over in my grave.
I want a brain transplant and people always say I keep changing my opinion.
I won't let them to change my mind.
I want a job in a mirror factory.
I can see myself working in that industry.
I want to make a joke about sodium, but…
Na, people won’t get it. It’ll make them salty.
I want to be a father one day.
I want to get an infinity pool
That way we can solve the world's water problem.
I want to show you my clock collection
But that would take too much time.
I want to open a restaurant that serves bottomless noodle dishes
The pastabilities are endless!
I really want to know what happens after death.
I told my son I don't want to hear any more menstruation jokes...
My girlfriend said "you act like a detective too much. I want to split up..."
"Good idea,” I replied.“That way we can cover more ground.”
I want to become a Urologist.
I really want to try the new pizza place down the road
I guess you could say I’m pie-curious
My son wants to do something with plants so I wonder...
whats growing on with him?
I want to register my wife for the NASA...
she said she needs some space.
Want to know where I store all my dad jokes?
I asked my little kid if he wants to use the potty before going
He said no, he'll just Puma pants
I want to fish standing the water but I don't have any...
Whenever we order middle eastern food I make sure to carefully write down what everyone wants.
I'd falafel if I messed anyone's order up.
I want to open a star trek themed coffee shop called "Bean me up Biscotti".
I want a quiet death, content and asleep.
Not screaming and crying like the other people in the car.
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
I want to plant some flowers this fall as a surprise for my wife.
I told my doctor I didn't want a brain transplant.
When I die I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep...
...not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather.
Not screeming in terror like his passengers.
When I die, I want to go out peacefully in my sleep. Just like my grandpa…
Not screaming in terror like the passengers of his car
I want to die quickly in my sleep, just like my Grandpa
Unlike the passengers on his bus
You want to know where I store all my dad jokes?
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