I tried googling tips to stop procrastinating but I ended up reading about photography
I tried to find a pun about carpentry
I tried to tell a joke about a guillotine
I didn't execute it properly
I tried to catch the fog one day
I tried to come up with a pun about carpentry, but it’s harder than it sounds.
Almost nothing wood work.
I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop in your pants, but he’s not buying it. In fact...
He’s still making fun of me...
I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry.
He has selfie steam issues.
I tried street racing once and lost.
I was out of breath after two blocks, but the street kept going for miles.
I tried to tell my vaccinated friend a COVID joke.
I tried to make a joke about vaccines during the trump era
I tried an Easter beer...
I tried smoking pot once.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out of the other.
I tried to become a stand up comedian, but it turns out that I am more of a "sit down" comedian.
After every joke I told, someone kept yelling "sit down"!
I tried gluing my company's HR policies to myself, but they wouldn't stick...
I guess the rules don't apply to me.
I'm putting together a book of tried and true recipes, none of which will include thyme as an ingredient.
>!I've decided the title is going to be 'Thymeless Classics'!<.
The guy at the hardware store tried to sell me a 500 ft spool of rope for $2, but I refused.
I found a parasite in my Easter basket who tried telling me there was no God.
It was an egg ganache tick
My wife has been taking a course in advanced electrics and it's taken over her life. Everything she says these days concerns resistors, transformers, circuitry, voltage, ampage etc. All fucking day long, I've tried explaining to her it's driving a wedge between us, but she won't listen to reason.
She just buries her head in the sand like an off switch.
I tried to make a coronavirus joke a while back.
No body laughed at that time, but eventually everyone got it.
I tried running for the president
I tried to write with a broken pencil
I tried to sort out wtahtoebucrldazy into an actual sentence
Then I realized “that would be crazy!”
I tried dating a communist, but it didn’t work out.
There were too many red flags.
My wife uses nasal spray a lot, to the point we think she is addicted to it. I tried to send her to rehab, but she didn't like it.
She said it was just a bunch of stuffy people.
Can anybody give me some advice to help me removing ice from my windshield? I just tried with a discount card I had In my pocket
So I'm not fat but I tried the rowing machine
I tried to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but it failed miserably.
Good players are hard to find.
I tried.
I kept my tone level and I didn’t raise my voice, but I begged and begged the chef to add some crumbled goat cheese to the recipe. But unfortunately it was too late as it had already gone into the oven.
It was a feta calm plea.
I’ve waited five days and tried three times to post, Two men walk into a bar
I tried clog dancing this weekend.
Unfortunately the Drano kept burning my feet.
I tried to make money as a sculptor,
but I could only get the heads right so I went bust.
i tried to eat a clock yesterday.
It was quite time consuming.
I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing...
But this is as close as I could get.
I once dated a phlebotomist whom, when she tried to draw my blood, said "Be positive."
It was then I realized, she wasn't my type.
My wife's an artist so I tried to impress her by painting her picture but she just got really upset
I guess she liked how it looked originally.
I knew what apple juice tasted like before I even tried it.
I had in-cider information.
I tried playing hide and seek in the hospital with my little kids...
...but they found me in the ICU.
I really tried to get into watching dwarf MMA.
I just couldn’t, the fights were too short.
I tried calling the tinnitus help line.
There was no answer, it just kept ringing.
I tried to befriend a mushroom today
I tried old spice today
Didn’t really improve my Chinese food
I tried to find a joke about carpentry
I tried to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but it was a complete failure.
Good players are hard to find.
I tried to catch some fog the other day
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