I watered my avocado tree with holy water
So I could make "Holy Guacamole"
My wife is not impressed
My wife (about to go to law school) hit me with this: "I should go into tree laws..."
"So I can get into arbor-tration."
I was napping under a citrus tree
I got into a fight with a Maple Tree...
Took me out with a syrup-ercut.
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic……
I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
A lumberjack walks the lands and finds a forest to start a home. He walks up to a tree and takes a swing with his axe. The tree exclaims, “you can cut me down I’m a magical talking tree!” The lumberjack looks for a second and replies
“Yes, but you’re going to dialogue”
I’m going out on a limb here to say you’re not in a tree
ever since I got the new tree my cats haven't tried climbing it
I joined a tree planting group to try and meet new people.
It's really helping me branch out
I recently got caught stealing a royal palm tree
They charged me with grand theft auto-troph
I asked Apple Maps to give me GPS directions to the nearest tree...
...and it worked! It told me, "proceed to the root."
I hate tree puns,
I believe they're rooted in evil
As a tree, I'm pretty scared about deforestation but I don't know what to do.
I guess you could say I'm stumped.
A lumberjack was cutting down a tree when he heard a groan. He stopped, listened, and thought he heard a voice. “Who’s there?” he asked. “It’s me,” said the tree. “I’m a talking tree.” The lumberjack paused for a moment, contemplating, then swung again with impunity and said…
“If you’re a talking tree, then you should die a log.”
There was a tree near my house that all the neighbourhood kids loved to climb. I never understood why for a long time, until one day...
I realized it was poplar.
There is something about tree I just dont trust them.
I present my CHRIStmas Tree
I was worried that my maple tree died this winter, but its starting to grow new buds.
I planted a dad joke tree in my garden that my friend gave me. My wife and kids never go there.
Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
What do you get when you cross an iPhone with a Christmas Tree?
As a lumberjack started chopping down a tree, it spoke: "don't kill me! I can talk!"
The lumberjack said, "a talking a tree? Huh. I guess you'll die a log."
You know, this happens every year. I tell myself it’s the end of the Christmas season and not to get too emotional. The holiday season has to end sometime and we have a whole new year ahead. But still, when I take down the tree…
I can’t help but get a little sappy.
I woke up to found my cows sitting in the huge oak tree we have in the back yard?
Steaks have never been higher
I saw a fireman climbing a tree to save a cat.
He was really going out on a limb.
I can't think of a good title, so I'll make like a tree and leave
I went in to the forest to cut down an annoying talking tree the other day. It yelled at me "you can't cut me down! I'm a talking tree! I'm one of a kind"
I can assure you... you will definitely dialog
I asked a caveman "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?"
Next year I will have a batman themed Christmas tree
I will call it Spruce Wayne
An actual conversation I had earlier today at a Christmas tree farm: After continually pointing out blue spruces that I wanted to get, my girlfriend asked me why I wanted to get a blue spruce so bad...
I told her so we could take it home and cheer it up
I got a promotion at the tree farm.
I'm now a branch manager.
I was at a festival and this lady was cosplaying as a tree. She had a pretty well decorated chest so I stared a little. She caught me staring and she yelled...
"Stop staring at my leavage!"
I went to a Star Trek convention dressed as a tree.
I came across a tree when I was hunting whose bark was covered with text in a rhythmic meter.
I looked it up. Apparently, it's a "poet-tree."
I heard a cactus fell in love with a fruit tree.
They make a prickly pear.
I went to Italy and saw two ticks in a tree. One was bringing a lot of stuff to the other, I would assume to try and woo it.
I thought to myself, now that’s a Roman-tic.
Last Christmas I bought a fake Christmas tree. The sales clerk asked me if I was going to put it up myself?
I told him, "Don't be disgusting!" I'm putting it in my living room."
Who hires these people anyway?
I helped my neighbor prune her pear tree...
But of course, I couldn't do all the work alone. The job required both of us.
It was a pair pear pare.
*True Story* Was walking into a local bar for an afternoon of day drinking when I accidentally hit my head on a low hanging tree branch. I told my girlfriend, "That tree just just assaulted me!" She thought she was being witty replied "The tree thinks you assaulted it...."
I turned to her, asked "Do you know what we have here?" removed my sunglasses, "It's a case of he said, tree said."
I have been having some trouble growing a math tree
I need to get to the square root of the problem
I’ve been looking for a new tree house
True story: My family and I were walking at an apple orchard today when my 6-year-old noticed a discarded apple and asked "Why is there an apple under a pine tree?"
I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."
Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.
Yesterday i saw a water bucket trying to get stapled to a tree
I need to learn how to take care of my new tree
So I'm going to nursery school.
I saw a tree on a boat!...
It was rowen down the local canal!
I clean all my weapons with tree sap.
Some say I’m crazy, but I’m sticking to my guns.
I’m really loving the tree puns people are posting
They’re just such lightwooded jokes but I understand that it doesn’t teaks everyone’s fancy. I’m running out of tree puns so I might have to branch off to other puns or spruce up my current ones
I’ve always wanted to tap my neighbors’ maple tree, but he wouldn’t give me permission.
Think I could do it syruptitiously?
I have been having some trouble growing a math tree
I need to get to the square root of the problem
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