When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French” after a swear word...
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...
Germany was neutral I swear
Man, I swear something is wrong with my left hand.
It never does anything right.
For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of ringing.
He is in for a rude awakening.
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
I swear stairs are gonna be my d o w n fall, the way they keep s t a i r i n g at me...
This isn't like last time, I swear
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts.
It’s currently half empty.
I swear I ordered the sirloin, yet they brought me a t- bone
Apparently I have been mistaken.
I swear the pigeons in my area are plotting to overthrow the neighbourhood watch.
Im not addicted to brake fluid, I swear!
I swear I just thought of a new color
Or maybe it was just a pigment of my imagination
I swear, one more pun
And I'll go to the house of the guy who posted the pun and punch him
I swear, I'm gonna get the Secret to Immortality...
I swear I can't take no more shit from anybody
I swear to god . .
That's why I won't be allowed in heaven
My dad, I swear to god
My younger sister was throwing one of her teenage tantrums, and she shouts at my dad, "Well sorry for being born!"
My dad looks her in the eye and says, "it's all right, just don't do it again."
Her: *screaming* "I swear if you make one more dad joke I'm leaving."
Me: smirking "Hi leaving I'm dad"
I started a swear jar yesterday. It's already three quarters full...
https://i.imgur.com/ptz0cqD.jpg
I swear, I didn't do it on porpoise!
I swear she's attracted to arachnids
I dropped my swear jar on my wife's foot.
She said I shouldn't have taken my anger out on her.
So I don't swear in front of the kids...
Something just popped up on my laptop and gave me a jump-scare. I said "Oh Fudge, what is that?" My GF replied with "It's a sweet made from sugar, butter and condensed milk".
I'm 35, I got kids and I swear my eyesight is worsening.
I thought I was supposed to get my adult supervision by now! :-(
I swear they're trying to get a rise out of me.
I swear this has been the longest day I’ve had all year.
While tracking a caribou I swear I saw one walk on water
I swear having diarrhea is the worst
Like it’s the most embarrassing shit I’ve ever been through
I swear i saw a football on a nintendo
Yeah, it was Thierry on wii (only football fans get it)
My girlfriend loves me, I swear.
We've been watching the Flash, which is awful TV at its finest. You'd expect anyone to watch this to enjoy some good punnery, but that's not the case. I texted this to my girlfriend and got a condescending "Oh, honey..." in response.
My text: "If someone sculpted Barry Allen out of clay, you could call him Adobe Flash."
I swear she loves me but I don't always know why.
When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word.
I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French
For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping.
He’s in for a rude awakening.
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French” after a swear word...
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Whenever I have a pessimistic thought, I put some money in it.
it's currently half empty
For his upcoming birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that would swear at him instead of ringing.
He’s in for a rude awakening.
For her birthday, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.
She’s in for a rude awakening.
For her birthday, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.
She’s in for a ride awakening.
For Christmas, I’m getting my kids an alarm clock that swears at them instead of ringing.
They are in for a rude awakening.
Instead of a swear jar I have a pessimism jar, every time I have a negative thought I put a coin in.
It’s currently half empty
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...
It’s currently half empty...
I swear this isn't a repost
https://i.imgur.com/6ow6h60
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