Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed
To be honest this is pretty demolarizing
I suggested a new name for the planet Saturn to an astrophysicist and he seemed to like it
He said it had a nice ring to it.
At the office barbecue, I grilled some rare steak for our boss, and he said, “I like it well done.”
I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”
My buddy Jerry had to get taken to the hospital, unfortunately it looked like he needed to be operated on. He was unconscious and when he came to, he asked “what’s going to happen, am I going to be alright?”
I’ve always wondered what it’s like to be a telephone pole...
I bet it would be electrifying
Man, I really like soda, but I don't think it likes me too much.
Everytime I drink it, it comes out pissed.
I made a joke about the song Staying Alive and how it sounds like women singing. Apparently many of you didn’t like it.
Hereby my sincere apolobeegies!
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'....
I answered the door today and a police officer said "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been in a car accident."
I replied "yeah, but at least she has a nice personality."
My daughter asked what pig milk tastes like. I said it's sower.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
I was shopping at the grocery store like it was 1999. That’s when I realized the party was over...
Oops, they were out of thyme.
I found what looked like a kitten frozen in my iced-over pool. I dug it out and let it defrost, it turned out to be a big squirrel.
I thought I thaw a pussycat.
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like to live in China
He says he can't complain
I really wanted to be there for the birth of my child. I drove like an idiot and almost got into an accident. But when I reached the hospital, I found out it was all for nothing.
It's like I'm some sort of Khartoum character.
A piece I just finished working on, hope you all like it :)
Good pun, perfect comments/likes. I love it.
As a single dad money can be tight. But even when I’m on a date and I know I’m not attracted to her, I still like to get the door for her and let her walk through. It makes her feel appreciated.
And it makes it easier to slam the door and run so I don’t have to pay for dinner.
My sister said I looked like a German composer and musician of the Baroque period, especially when wearing my powdered wig... So I changed everything and it changed my life!
I haven't looked Bach since!
I asked my wife “What’s it like having to deal with periods?”
She said “I just go with the flow”.
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
I like to play this game with my daughter it's called "hide and seek."
She hides, and then I see how high I can count (out loud) before she gets annoyed and comes out to complain about the game.
You know, it seems like every time I kill a gnat, another one appears.
So, I guess you could say they're appearing at the drop of a gnat.
Every time I finish my jog, I like to eat a protein bar. Lately, though, I'm having trouble swallowing it
I hope it doesn't become a running gag
I like to think the person who invented the umbrella called it brella.
I made this little Honeymoon pin, get it? Honey- moon? hope you like it! (:
My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me.
When he did, I asked why he was ignoring me.
When I came home from my first day at my new job my wife asked me what my new schedule was like. I said it looks like Rihanna...
...because all I can see is work, work, work, work, work...
I was robbed outside and went in to report the crime. When I walked in, someone asked me what it was like outside.
I said, “it’s a bit muggy.”
"Dad, what's it called if I like both boys and girls," the male buffalo said.
"I believe would be a bi-son," his father replied.
I burst into the kitchen and shouted at my wife, "Honey! Whatever you do, do NOT let them take your temperature on your forehead when you go into the supermarket!! It erases your memory!! I went in for bread and milk like you asked..."
"...and came out with two cases of beer!!!"
I won an award, but it looks like a cat's butt...
It was a long time ago, a different time, when Bach wrote his music. I wonder what life was like Bach then 🎹
At the office barbecue, I grilled a medium rare steak and my boss said, “I like it well done!”
I said, “Thanks. That means a lot to me.”
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
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