I bought a record at the charity shop the other day, "Sounds That Wasps Make". I took it home and it sounded nothing like Wasps.
That's when I realised I was playing the Bee side.
I had a friend in high school that really wanted to become a pilot. His parents hated the idea. Every time he brought it up, they were like
I have noticed that my dog likes it when the collar is very tight.
Turns out he is a 50 shades of greyhound.
I feel like it’s made worse by the fact that it’s an Undertale remix
My wife bought store brand ketchup despite the fact that I like Heinz. I threw it out, so now I guess she knows....
I found out today that I like it when experienced men touch me
And then I paid the chiropractor
I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'....
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
I was shopping at the grocery store like it was 1999. That’s when I realized the party was over...
Oops, they were out of thyme.
Robert E. Lee once said: "I like whiskey. I always did. And that is why I never drink it."
But that's just generally speaking.
I became a member of a cult, it’s a group of people that like to be awkward and challenge others.
It’s called the Diffi cult.
Bc I’m punny like that (saw it on Instagram)
Can I post here if i need help coming up with a pun? I’m a high school teacher and am implementing a “phone hotel”. I wanted to name it something clever. Like a name that sounds similar to a real hotel or even name it “Phone Hotel” with a clever slogan. Any ideas?
My bro doesn't like it when I call him that
Guess that was the wrong bronoun.
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.
...with a really angry bear somewhere close by.
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
I told my friend that it feels like I'm dating a machine these days.
Daughter's video game character got turned into a vampire, she didn't like it when I said, "That sucks."
Jeez, I make a perfectly good vampire joke and that's the fangs I get.
I want to get my buddy a good present but all I can find is a painting that has a prostitute saying, "1,2,3,4..." and I don't think he'll like it.
But it's the thot that counts.
I like to claim that the Greek Orthodox secretly run the world through its financial networks…For some reason people are ok with that, try putting a different religion in there and suddenly you’re a conspiracy theorist and hate criminal
Those Catholics are real sensitive sometimes
I asked my friend if he wanted to see that new Stephen King movie adaptation and it felt like a betrayal when he declined.
"It 2, Brute?" I had asked.
"Is it weird if I really like the mountains that separate Europe from Asia?"
I told my dad that I didn't like his beard at first, but it's growing on me...
"Actually, it's growing on me."
Got me with it this morning.
I ordered an Italian salad, and it didn't even have any of that bitter, red, cabbage-like stuff...
How utterly radicchio-less.
I really like answering the door when I know who it is that's knocking.
I heard that they figured out how to break down and process corn and make it into plastic-like furniture.
Soon you will be able to purchase your very own veggie-table.
My friend Rhee died, but I've convinced myself that he's just gone far away. I don't like to talk about it, so when someone asks me I just say...
I recently bought a sweater that had some Native American-like designs on it, when my dad saw me wearing it...
Dad: "Son, I think have some reservations about that sweater."
He then began chuckling deeply for a few minutes before I gave in and joined him.
something i said that seems like it'd belong here
some person was drawing, and thought the lines they had weren't clear enough. so i said "yeah, they're clear. i can't see them"
I complained to my dentist that it felt like I had a toothache.
He told me it was all in my head.
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
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