Did you know I used to be a Lumber Jack? It was only during one summer, though.
I just couldn't, hack it.
Because I didn't have the, chops.
So they, gave me the axe.
π︎ 83
π
︎ Jan 19 2021
Cheap Phineas and Ferb pun; I know it sucks you don't need to tell me
Why couldn't Doofenshmirtz do his fractions?
Because Perry got rid of the denom-inator
π︎ 59
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are locked in battle, and Vader says to Luke, "I know what you're getting for Christmas." Luke says, "No, that's impossible, how could that be?" Vader leans in closer, their lightsabers crackling under the pressure, and he replies...
π︎ 44
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
I donβt trust stairs... you wanna know why?
Because theyβre always up to something!
π︎ 13
π
︎ Dec 31 2020
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 23 2021
Let me tell you what I know about dwarves
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
You want to know where I store all my dad jokes?
π︎ 48
π
︎ Dec 12 2020
Me: I'm much better at making Mac and cheese, and you know why that is?
Wife: I'm going to regret this. Why?
Me: I'm cheesier than you.
Wife: ...
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 02 2021
I'm left handed. You know who else is left handed?
π︎ 12
π
︎ Nov 22 2020
You know, I had such a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tyres and roll me down the hill.
π︎ 180
π
︎ Oct 30 2020
So I went to my local astrology group and was asked to take roll call. And wouldnβt you know it?
All the signs were there.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 08 2021
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "Itβs true!"
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
π︎ 17k
π
︎ Jun 26 2020
My 10 year old son said, βHey Dad, do you know why I want to shoot a hog?β
βSo we can have hamburgers!β
He was serious but it still cracked me up.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 02 2021
You know I hate engineer students sometimes
For example I hate it when engineer students call themself engineers like you don't hear med students calling themself doctors or art students calling themself unemployed.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Nov 19 2020
Do you know why I got fired from the calendar factory?
π︎ 19
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
My wife said, βI think I lost my datebook. Do you know where it is?β
I said, βI think..you may have a hidden agenda.β
π︎ 18
π
︎ Dec 13 2020
Do you know why I don't trust atoms
π︎ 15
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
I used to know the name of a dessert where you pour espresso over a scoop of ice cream.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 23 2020
Do you know how I escaped from Δ°raq?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
You know what? I think I can.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jun 12 2020
I told my kids, "Did you know Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts and his name wasβ¦"
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 06 2020
You know why I love jokes about kids of anti-vaxxers?
π︎ 37
π
︎ Nov 23 2020
You know why I respect Canadians?
Because they always bring their Eh Game.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 31 2020
You know, Iβm really getting into all this stuff going on about Moderna, Pfizer, BioNTech and AstraZeneca...
I find it absolutely vaccinating
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 17 2020
This has been a crazy year. After everything that has happened though do you want to know the one thing that I canβt get over ?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 03 2020
Do you know why I can identify with TV Guide?
I used to feel important but now i just have very poor circulation
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
You know son, I've always loved tanks...
They are very a-track-tive
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 23 2020
Do you know why I want to perform a song for you?
It would be the βI sing on my cakeβ day.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 26 2020
Do you know how many bones I have in my hand?
π︎ 16
π
︎ Nov 03 2020
You know, I'm sure wherever my Dad is right now, he's looking down on me..
He's not dead by the way, just very condescending.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Oct 29 2020
Letting you all know that I've volunteered for the Russian vaccine trials held here in Melbourne. I received my first shot at 9.00 am this morning
Itβs completely safe with ΠΈo side effects whatsoeveΡ, and im currently feelshΞΊΞΉ ΟoΟoshΟ Ρ ΡΡΠ²ΡΡΠ²ΡΡ ΡΠ΅Π±Ρ Π½Π΅ΠΌΠ½ΠΎΠ³ΠΎ ΡΡΡΠ°Π½Π½ΠΎ ΠΈ Ρ Π΄ΡΠΌΠ°Ρ, ΡΡΠΎ Π²ΡΡΠ°ΡΠΈΠ» ΠΎΡΠ»ΠΈΠ½ΡΠ΅ ΡΡΠΈ.
π︎ 108
π
︎ Sep 17 2020
Do you know how I call my hoodie?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 16 2020
Do you want to know how I got out of Iraq?
π︎ 15
π
︎ Nov 09 2020
Today I don't have a dad joke for you. I have a dad fact. Did you know humans eat more seeds than birds?
It's true! When was the last time you ate a bird?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Sep 25 2020
Did you know that I can write underwater?
I can write other words, too!
π︎ 29
π
︎ Oct 19 2020
I go to the store and buy 2 eggs, a loaf of bread, and some milk. The cashier says βyou must be singleβ and I respond with βhow did you know?β
She responded, β because you are ugly!β
π︎ 203
π
︎ Jul 31 2020
You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. Itβs not the best...
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Apr 18 2020
I made up a joke so get ready to hate on me. Trump (I know it's topical).... Trump was nervous during the election and was asked "hey, do you want some spiced tea"?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 03 2020
Dad: Son, did you know that if you, as an American, go into a bathroom in France you are no longer an American? Son: No, I didnβt. What would I be?
Dad: Youβre a peeinβ.
π︎ 61
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
Would you like to know how I got from Iraq to Afghanistan?
π︎ 44
π
︎ Sep 09 2020
You know where I store all my dad jokes?
π︎ 82
π
︎ Dec 09 2020
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "Itβs true!"
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
π︎ 34
π
︎ Nov 29 2020
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
π︎ 9k
π
︎ May 22 2020
Do you want to know where I store all my dad jokes?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 07 2020
You know I hate engineer students sometimes.
For example I hate it when engineer students call themself engineers like you don't hear med students calling themself doctors or art students calling themself the next hitler
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 19 2020
Do you want to know how I got out of Iraq?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 15 2020
Did you know I got fired from the calendar factory ?
π︎ 43
π
︎ Sep 15 2020
Do you wanna know how I escaped Iraq?
π︎ 29
π
︎ Sep 12 2020
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