Hi everyone, just letting you know that I’m going through a lot right now.
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
You know what I love about these emojis 👍🏾🙌🏾👎🏾👏🏾🤝🏾🤞🏾✌🏾🤘🏾👌🏾👉🏾👈🏾?
They always come in handy.
You know I really hate funerals
I’m not a mourning person !
My son came downstairs this morning with a big old smile on his face, so I asked him, "Do you know where happiness is made?!" He shrugged and said, "No idea, were?" I smiled back and replied...
You know what I really can’t stand…
So, I’m just going to sit here.
You know they say you can't compare apples and oranges, but I can.
i broke up with my ex because she liked to smoke in bed. I know you are thinking there's nothing wrong with cigarettes.
A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says "did you know that everytime I breathe somebody's dies?"
The fellow turns to him and says "have you tried mouthwash?"
I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life?
As my son was engrossed in his homework, I asked him, "Do you know what Oman was called before it officially become a nation?" Befuddled, he responded, "No, what?" I smiled and said...
"Son, do you know why helicopters never fly in the morning?" Puzzled, he responded, "No idea." I smiled and said...
Do you know how much I’ve spent on toilet paper this month??
I dont know why people spend 10 cents a bag at the grocery store when you can buy the whole shopping cart for a quarter.
You know why I don't like the song Lady Marmalade?
When the traffic is heavy I always call my friend Will, do you know why?
Cause if there's a will there's a way
Do you know who I bumped into at Specsavers the other day?
P1: Did you know I have two half-sisters?
P2: Oh, were your parents previously married?
P1: No, they were just terrible magicians.
My daughter just got me good… I said, “Did you know you can always see your own nose and your brain just ignores it?”
She said “yeah because it NOSE it’s there”
This fly flew right up to my face and told me she was thirsty. So you know what I did?
I know Apple's spreadsheet software is bad, but did you know what came before Numbers?
Genesis, Exodus, and Leviticus.
You know youre lucky, When I grew up we only had those old 460 Air Conditioners ….
.
.
.
.
Four windows down, 60 miles per hour !
You know why I love K-pop
How I finally figured out I'd gotten old: Was watching TV and saw John Lithgow saying, "You know what? The last time I went to the movies I bought my ticket at that little window... and I paid cash!"
And I'm thinking. "So... what's your point."
(took me a while to work it out but eventually funnier than sad on balance.)
I asked my wife, "What do you call a group of babies?" She replied, "I don't know, what?"
I walked home from the bar last night. A policeman stopped and said, “Sir, do know that you are staggering?”
I said, “Well, you’re pretty handsome yourself!”
You know, I think I'd be a good door greeter
I'm really good at talking to inanimate objects
Do you know why I listen to the Hulk?
Do you know how I know those seahorses are wild?
Because they aren’t wearing saddles.
Totally got my family with this at the aquarium. Groans and eye rolls all around.
Do you know why I don’t trust stairs?
They are always up to something
You know why I hate elevators?
Half the time they are up to something, the other half they are just bringing you down. I should really start taking steps to avoid them..
You want to know why I hate chairs?
Because I can’t Stand Sitting!
I love words. For exemple, do you know whats special about penis?
Even though it's a 5 letter word, for some, it is a mouthful.
Do you know why I love sign language?
It always comes in handy!
I thought you should all know that I put a bounty on Putin's head.
I was doing math with my son, when he asked me how much 23 + 7 was, I drank water, do you know why?
You know why I prefer drinking from a bottle instead of a can?
You know what kind of music I like to listen to when I cut the grass?
I know the law says that you must turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden.
But how am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden?
Did you know that Euler had a protegee who tried to claim he'd been the one who discovered e^i*pi + 1 = 0?
He was arrested for attempting identity theft.
Would you like to know what state I live in?
I don't know if you heard this before but...
You know what I can’t stand
Pogo sticks. They always fall over.
"Hey son, do you know how to make Easter easier?" Puzzled, he responded, "I don't know dad, how?" I smiled and replied...
"Just replace the t with an i!
Two cows in a field and one says: Did you know I’m on twitter?
The other says: I don’t follow you
"Son, do you know the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?" After thinking a minute, he asked, "No dad, what?" Smiling, I responded, "Iron Man stops the bad guys but..."
"Aluminum Man just foils their plans!"
You know son, if I were a farmer, I would measure my height...
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
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