I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said, “Have a good day, son.” “Don’t call me son,” I said. “You’re not my dad.”
He said, “No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”
Our oldest has been obsessed with the new God of War. When he got home from school, I said "did you hear that they have two more games planned?"
His face lit up and he asked "really?"
"Yeah, the follow-ups to Ragnarok: Ragnapaper and Ragnascissors."
He is currently not speaking to me.
The NSA Walks into a bar. “Hey, I’ve got a great new joke for you!” the barman says.
The NSA smiles. “Heard it.”
I told a guy today: "You got a lot of blood on your hands!" He was carrying a bag full of blood vials out of a lab I was getting my blood drawn at. My pun went wasted. He didn't get the joke.
Did you hear about the dude that got in trouble for stealing iPhones?
I heard he’s gonna get FaceTime
A man walks into a doctor's office. "Doc," he says, "you've got to help me, I have a really weird cough.". "What do you mean, weird?" the doctor asks.
The man pulls out a handkerchief. He coughs and hacks into it and - a coin falls out of his mouth!
The doctor pulls out a magnifying glass and examines the coin. It's a piece of outdated Danish currency, with FREDERIK IX KONGE AF DANMARK stamped around the rim.
"Ah, I see," the doctor says. "Another case of kronervirus."
I’ve got a joke for all you mind readers out there
The joke that got me arrested. I got pulled over by the police. When he got to my window he asked me if I knew why he pulled me over. I said "You wanted to ask me to the (city-name) Police Ball charity event?".
With a confused but serious look the officer replied "The (city-name) Police Department doesn't have any balls sir". After my brief chuckle he used the force to arrest me. Not the light force or the dark force. He used excessive force. The light sabers are black and made of wood but they really hurt. The force was strong with that one.
My son was making dinner in the kitchen so I said to him, "That’s a nice ham you’ve got there!"
"It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end!"
My daughter just got me good… I said, “Did you know you can always see your own nose and your brain just ignores it?”
She said “yeah because it NOSE it’s there”
When my son got laid off, I sent him a dead link with the text “You IRL”
He responded “Doesn’t work”
I told my girlfriend, “There are approximately 8000 people currently living who is like you”, and she got really upset.
I should have just said, “You’re one in a million.”
I was going to tell you a joke about a country in favor of vulgar beverages, but I never got around to it.
It was pro crass tea nation.
My dad said, “I can’t believe you got me a house for my birthday…..”
“It looks like…..I’m going to live in the present.”
The year I figured out masturbation, I got told "Santa Claus is watching you."
I got a lot of new socks that year.
I got hired at an Indian restaurant. I can't tell you much more though...
They made me sign a naan disclosure agreement
I think I pushed my wife to far with my hijinks and she was giving the silent treatment. After an hour she broke her silence and said "Im angry at you" so I got up and draped a towel over her shoulders and said
"I see you got a battery-power car there," said a neighbor. "What do you like about it?"
I said, "It's got its positives and negatives."
I got pulled over earlier and I told the cop, “You can’t write me a ticket because I’m Jeff Gordon.”
The cop said, “Sir, I think you’ve confused race card with race car.”
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked: "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" I replied, "No..."
She responded, "How about now?"
I was at a high-end burger joint where you even got to choose the type of bun you wanted. I was going to get the kaiser, but changed my mind at the last minute and went with the brioche.
It was quite the roll reversal.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
"Son, I heard you got punished in class for saying the 'F' word ?. That wasn't fun, was it?"
I saw a crane fly singing "You Got What It Takes" and "Three Steps To Heaven" earlier.
I thought, "Wow, I've never seen a Showaddywaddy Longlegs before".
I just got a text on my phone. "Thank you for your application! Unfortunately, we have no vacancies, but we wish you the best of luck and hope that you enjoy fall."
/r/3amjokes/comments/wybp…
Did I tell you about my coworker that got his paycheck in the mail?
He opened the letter, and it was full of parsley. They had garnished his wages
“That’s a nice ham you got there!” I told my wife as she pulled it out of the freezer
“It would be a shame if you added an ‘S’ to the front and an ‘E’ to the end!”
Last year I took a vacation to Persia. You may be wondering how I got there.
I bought a thing of pickles when I went grocery shopping. When I got home, I used it to hold the door. My wife came up to me later and said, "Honey, you left the door open."
"No, dear, I left it a jar."
My son got angry when I told him "Sky is the limit for you".
He wants to be an astronaut.
My girl and I got attacked by a bear while camping, luckily her beauty scared it away. You can say she's pretty in-tents.
A friend recently asked " Are you alright?" I said "No, I feel like I just got drunk."
"You never complained about being drunk before, Why now?"
"Ask a glass of water!"
Thanks to the late Douglas Adams and the first of five books in the growing trilogy 'The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy' from which this joke was adapted.
I hope you guys have got your festive puns all lined up
It’s almost the last posting date for Christmas
Did you see how pissed the pork butt got when I put it in the smoker?
It was definitely traegered!
I got you a refrigerator for your birthday!
I can't wait to see your face light up when you open it
My 10 year old came in with a piece of paper and said “Dad, I’ve got a joke for you.”
Then she ripped it in half and said, “Never mind, it’s tearable.”
I feel like I’ve succeeded as a dad.
The other night, I got out of bed and headed to the bathroom. My wife asked, "where you going? " I said, "Urinate...
But really, you're a 10!"
“Could you go to the store and buy one gallon of milk and if they have avocados, get 6?” When I got home, my wife asked, “Why did you buy 6 gallons of milk?”
you won't believe what was my reaction when I got the electric bill
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.
https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&v=enabled&s=36f1f13bf011b50649778d6491393c69176ef440
My wife yelled from the bedroom asking, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” I replied, “No.”
She yelled back, "How about now?"
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
My son got angry when I told him “Sky is the limit for you”.
He wants to be an astronaut.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?" She laughed and said...
"No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I got you a refrigerator for your birthday.
I can’t wait to see your face light up when you open it.
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