I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
"Son, I heard you got punished for using the 'F ' word in class. That wasn't fun was it ?"
I made this She's got of lumps and bumps but I'm overall happy she's finnished kings, queens, and non-binary beans I present to you, my Les-bee-ian 😂🐝❤️🧡🤍💗
Doctor you've got you help me, I'm addicted to twitter.
Doctor: I don't follow you.
I got you a refrigerator for your birthday.
I can’t wait to see your face light up when you open it.
I was going to tell you a funny joke, but it got
My son never does his laundry so one day I got fed up and told him "If you don't start cleaning your clothes I'm going to leave you all my dirty clothes in my will!"
Sorry, just had to heir my dirty laundry
My wife texted me saying "Your great!". I responded, "No, you're great!" She said the text made her day when she got home.
I guess she really likes being corrected on her grammar.
A flat earther was debating me and got so mad he said "I will walk off the edge of the earth to prove you wrong!!"
He'll come around eventually
Did I tell you guys about the side-hustle plan I came up with? I’m going to do personal training for the band that recorded ‘Lola’ and ‘You Really Got Me’. It’s a good plan...
I just have to work out a few Kinks.
I gots two words that will leave you all scratching your heads.
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."
My dad got his first dose of vaccine yesterday, so I asked him, “Did you have any reaction?”
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.
https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282
I got dad joked by my 3 year old daughter at dinner today: "Hey do you have a bun?" I asked her.
"NO I WANT A WHOLE BUN"
She's well on her way to being the dad I never had
I asked the Doctor ‘have you got anything for excessive wind?’
I got a great pizza joke for you.
Never mind, it’s too cheesy!
Do you know why I got fired from the calendar factory?
Do you want to know how I got out of Iraq?
Would you like to know how I got from Iraq to Afghanistan?
I just got my girlfriend with this: “You heard about that country named after Becky Stan?”
Her: “Who’s Becky Stan? 🤨
... Ohhh 😖”
One night I got pulled over. The cop walked up to my window and said “do you have a police record, sir?” I said:
I’ve got a lot of fans, you know.
The AC’s been broken for years.
I finally got the Spotify cake. You guys like my posts right?
My 10 year old came in with a piece of paper and said “Dad, I’ve got a joke for you.”
Then she ripped it in half and said, “Never mind, it’s tearable.”
I feel like I’ve succeeded as a dad.
I've got a joke for all you mind readers out there
I was on a game show and the final question was "What do you call a 3D painting made out of plaster?" I couldn't think of the answer and I was worried I'd lose all of the money. Then I got it right!
I made up a joke about the sound a tap makes when you turn it on full blast, but no one got it.
Son/Daughter: Hey I got a haircut! What do you think?
Dad: Looks like you got them all cut.
Courtesy of Have I Got News For You.
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor and as I got out, the operator said, “Have a good day, son.” I replied, “Don’t call me son, you’re not my dad.” He scratched his head and said...
“No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”
Did I tell you about the time when I got attacked by 6 dwarves?
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said "see you later, son". I said indignantly, "don't call me 'son', you're not my dad!"
... To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
I walked into the kitchen to help my wife prepare dinner and exclaimed, "That’s a nice ham you’ve got there honey! It’d really be a shame if someone..."
"...put an ‘s’ at the front and an ‘e’ at the end!"
A young boy was walking to school when he saw a dead dog in the road. When he got to school he told his teacher what he saw. “How do you know if the dog was dead?” She asked the boy. “I know because I pissed in his ear.” The teacher looked horrified. “What do you mean you pissed in his ear??”
‘I went up to him and went “Pssstt!” in his ear and he didn’t move.’
When I got to work this morning, my boss stormed up to me and said, "You missed work yesterday, didn't you?"
I said, "No, not particularly."
I got you the ultimate compilation
Honey, I’ve got something to tell you and for once I’m not full of crap
"Son !!! I heard you got punished for using the 'F' word in class. That wasn't fun, was it ?"
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I have a plan for a new side-hustle. I’m gonna do personal training for members of the band that recorded ‘Lola’ and ‘You Really Got Me’. It’s a good plan...
I just have to work out a few Kinks.
Did you know I got fired from the calendar factory ?
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Do you want to know how I got out of Iraq?
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