I got this German phone the other day. I donβt know what to do with it.
Iβll keep it. It might come in handy.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Jun 21 2022
The elderly wife in church turned to her husband and said βIβve just done a silent fart. What should I do?β
He said, βGet the batteries in your hearing aids changed.β
π︎ 5k
π
︎ May 30 2022
My son came downstairs this morning with a big old smile on his face, so I asked him, "Do you know where happiness is made?!" He shrugged and said, "No idea, were?" I smiled back and replied...
π︎ 7k
π
︎ May 21 2022
Son: Dad I watched a guy do 50 push-ups. Can you do that?
Dad: of course! Not to brag but I could probably watch someone do 100 push-ups.
π︎ 365
π
︎ Jun 20 2022
I used to do drugs in the 90βs.
Now I donβt care what temperature it is.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Apr 24 2022
As my son was engrossed in his homework, I asked him, "Do you know what Oman was called before it officially become a nation?" Befuddled, he responded, "No, what?" I smiled and said...
π︎ 675
π
︎ Jun 03 2022
I am getting a little sick of my wife complaining that I sit around and do nothing all weekend.
Iβm not going to stand for it.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ May 14 2022
Sorry. Thereβs nothing I can do.
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Mar 18 2022
After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I said, "Yes. Steve." She giggled, "Awww! That's a lovely name!" I replied, "Thanks."
"But what do you think we should call the baby?"
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Mar 18 2022
Do you know how much Iβve spent on toilet paper this month??
π︎ 84
π
︎ Jun 12 2022
"Son, do you know why helicopters never fly in the morning?" Puzzled, he responded, "No idea." I smiled and said...
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Apr 29 2022
To all the organ donors out there: I just want to say I really appreciate what you do
...
...
...
That really takes guts
π︎ 43
π
︎ Jun 20 2022
When the traffic is heavy I always call my friend Will, do you know why?
Cause if there's a will there's a way
π︎ 54
π
︎ Jun 16 2022
Why do I love the second amendment so much?
I canβt stand wearing long sleeves.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jun 03 2022
What compelled the burglar to steal the train, I do not know.
But I do know that he has a locomotive.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 03 2022
As I was dropping my son off on his first day of school, he worriedly looked at me and asked, βHow long do I have to go to school for?β Smiling, I responded, βUntil youβre 18 buddy!" He nodded, thought about it for a bit and said...
βDad, you will remember to come and get me when Iβm 18, wonβt you?β
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Apr 05 2022
I think mailmen should have to do a dance when they hand you your mail.
A correspon-dance, if you will.
π︎ 47
π
︎ May 19 2022
Last night, my wife and I were getting ready to go out for an anniversary dinner. After finishing getting ready, my wife asked my 9 year old, "how do I look?"
My daughter deadpanned response: "with your eyes."
I couldn't have asked for a better anniversary gift. #prouddadmoment.
π︎ 939
π
︎ May 06 2022
My parents never approved of my job at the aquarium, feeding the baby dolphins. They felt like I could do something more important.
I know it might not be much, but I still feel like I'm serving a small porpoise.
π︎ 26
π
︎ Jun 22 2022
I hired some felines for my business. They all do the exact same job of duplicating documents.
Just a bunch of copycats.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jul 08 2022
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Mar 13 2022
I walked home from the bar last night. A policeman stopped and said, βSir, do know that you are staggering?β
I said, βWell, youβre pretty handsome yourself!β
π︎ 52
π
︎ Jun 18 2022
Do you know why I donβt trust stairs?
They are always up to something
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jun 03 2022
Do you know why I listen to the Hulk?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jun 16 2022
I saw a farmer do a magic trick the other day....
He was driving down the road in his tractor and before I knew it he turned into a field
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jun 25 2022
I said to the Gym instructor βCan you teach me to do the splits?β
He said, βHow flexible are you?β I said, βI canβt make Tuesdays.β
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 08 2022
Why do I go to bed at 7:37?
Because I'm about to crash.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 12 2022
βI love my job!β exclaimed the farmer. βAll you do is boss me around all day!β complained one of his sheep. βWhat did you say?β challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Mar 10 2022
Man to airline agent "I want to go to Miami and my bags need to go to New York." Agent "Sir we can't do that."
Man "That's funny, the last time I flew, you did it without even asking me!"
π︎ 32
π
︎ Jun 27 2022
I asked my wife, "What do you call a group of babies?" She replied, "I don't know, what?"
π︎ 939
π
︎ Apr 08 2022
My doctor suggested me that I should do lunges...
... that'd be a big step forward.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jul 04 2022
I asked my son what he wanted to do for a living.
He said he wanted to make furniture by hand.
I told him that wood work.
(OC courtesy my 12 year old.)
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jun 07 2022
There are 3 things I can't do
π︎ 26
π
︎ May 29 2022
I told the girl I'm dating I like to do magic
π︎ 52
π
︎ May 26 2022
Do you all remember the chiropractor joke I told?
It was about a week back.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jun 29 2022
My friend Hope keeps insisting I invite her to things, but when I do, she never shows up.
I really gotta stop putting myself in Hopeless situations.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 06 2022
What do I do with all these jokes I steal of r/dads?
I put them in my DAD-a-base
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jun 26 2022
Where do I store all my dad jokes?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jul 02 2022
I went to the book store and asked, βDo you have any books written by Hemingway:β
The employee: Sure, sir. Which one?
Me: Ernest.
π︎ 33
π
︎ May 12 2022
I was confused about what was the proper term for a very short person, dwarf? midget? small? vertically challenged? so when I saw one them I asked him, what do you like to be called?
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 31 2022
I was doing math with my son, when he asked me how much 23 + 7 was, I drank water, do you know why?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 08 2022
My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape
Thatβs a big step forward
π︎ 37
π
︎ May 06 2022
Do you know how I know those seahorses are wild?
Because they arenβt wearing saddles.
Totally got my family with this at the aquarium. Groans and eye rolls all around.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 15 2022
I saw a picture of a mom do a handstand and the caption said
wow
...Maybe I looked at it upside down π€
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 07 2022
As we were eating our melons, I started crying uncontrollably. Startled and concerned, my son asked if I was ok. "They were madly in love and all they wanted to do was run away and secretly get married, but they couldn't!"
Confused, he asked me what I was talking about.
"The melons! They couldn't be together because they cantaloupe!"
π︎ 39
π
︎ May 14 2022
I always have to fight for a cliffside view when I do my math homework.
I like to maintain the add vantage.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 30 2022
Do you know why I love sign language?
It always comes in handy!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 29 2022
I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing,
but when I got home, the signs were all there.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Feb 13 2022
Do I need to call an ambulance?
This happened last night. My wife and I are visiting her grandparents and were playing Yahtzee! after putting our son to bed. I pulled a beer out of the fridge and dropped it on my toe, which didnβt break anything but hurt like heck. As I sit back down my 80-something-year-old Grandfather-in-law says, βDo I need to call an ambulance, or would a toe truck be better?β
I (33M) giggled uncontrollably for about 5 minutes as I had never heard that before.
Edit: toe/tow autocorrect
π︎ 31
π
︎ May 30 2022
I used to do drugs in the 90s.
Now I don't care what the temperature is.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Feb 03 2022
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