I asked my Dad why he decided to buy a boat?
He said "There was a sail."
๐︎ 7k
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︎ Mar 18 2021
I decided to sell my vacuum...
It was only collecting dust.
๐︎ 6k
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︎ Jan 04 2021
I decided to stop walking under billboards after one collapsed on top of me.
I took it as a sign from above.
๐︎ 176
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︎ Mar 07 2021
this year, i have decided to type everything in lower case letters.
i have stopped giving a shift.
๐︎ 22
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︎ Mar 09 2021
The wife and I have decided we donโt want kids
Theyโre not taking it very well
๐︎ 181
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︎ Feb 02 2021
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It's the little things that count.
๐︎ 41
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︎ Feb 14 2021
I decided to throw a block of butter off my roof today...
I guess i could say that i saw a butterfly
๐︎ 21
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︎ Feb 26 2021
I've decided to seek help for my irrational fear of speed humps...
I'm slowly getting over it.
๐︎ 8
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︎ Mar 16 2021
My wife and I have decided that we donโt want children
We will be telling them tonight.
๐︎ 31
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︎ Mar 05 2021
I won $6million in the lottery and have decided to donate a quarter of it to charity....
I now have $5.999,999,75c left.
๐︎ 16
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︎ Feb 26 2021
Today, my wife and I decided we would not like children.
So we will be kicking them out tonight.
๐︎ 7
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︎ Mar 10 2021
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.
I've just handed in my too weak notice.
๐︎ 8k
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︎ Oct 22 2020
The other day I decided to install a highly decorative wall plug in my living room.
I needed a creative outlet.
๐︎ 6
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︎ Feb 13 2021
I've decided to invest all my money in soup stocks
I want to be a bouillonaire.
๐︎ 384
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︎ Dec 02 2020
I havent read a book in ages. So i decided to start with a book of how clocks work.
๐︎ 103
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︎ Jan 08 2021
I recently decided to learn sign language...
So that I can tell jokes nobody has ever heard.
๐︎ 1k
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︎ Nov 24 2020
Weird film trivia: I just found out that Thandie Newton's character from Mission: Impossible 2 was originally going to appear in Goldeneye, but her part was cut when they decided to film in Russia.
๐︎ 2
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︎ Mar 07 2021
Iโve finally decided to shave my private area.
I need to stop beating around the bush.
๐︎ 30
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︎ Feb 17 2021
I once met a talking dog, and decided to ask "what do you get from a tree's outer layer?"
But it's answer was just a bark
Edit:spelling
๐︎ 7
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︎ Feb 15 2021
today is my first cake day so I decided to give you guys a joke
What do you call an Irishman bouncing off the walls?
Rick O Shea
๐︎ 66
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︎ Jan 05 2021
Just saw that joke about eating a clock for the umpteenth time. Finally decided to try eating a clock myself, but now I'm freaking out.
I think I picked up a nervous tic.
๐︎ 4
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︎ Jan 29 2021
My son is getting so fat, I've decided to put all his favourite snacks at a place he can't reach.
๐︎ 47
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︎ Jan 30 2021
When I was in florida I saw signs saying "animal sanctuary 5$." so I decided to follow them but when I got there it was just a middle aged couple with hundreds of house cats and one dog in a cage.
๐︎ 5
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︎ Feb 13 2021
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.
๐︎ 79
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︎ Dec 14 2020
I've decided to start storing everything in the Cloud, and it's a lot easier than you'd think
Although I'm still not sure how exactly I'm supposed to get anything back down... I guess I'll just have to wait until the balloons pop to use my TV again.
๐︎ 5
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︎ Feb 10 2021
I decided not to get rid of my tumor anymore
I dont know why, i guess it just grew on me
๐︎ 17
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︎ Jan 30 2021
My wife complains that I'm getting fat. So this winter I decided to diet.
It's called inter"mitten" fasting to keep my hands of food
๐︎ 3
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︎ Feb 13 2021
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
๐︎ 11k
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︎ Jun 28 2020
I make Christmas wreaths for a living. So I decided I would make one out of 100 dollar bills the other day.
I call it a wreath of Franklin.
๐︎ 20
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︎ Dec 09 2020
After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room.
But she still won't admit she framed me.
๐︎ 14k
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︎ Aug 02 2020
When I went to university in the early 80's I decided to do my thesis on procrastination.
I guess I should really get around to starting it.
๐︎ 8
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︎ Jan 31 2021
I've decided to stop tying my shoes
๐︎ 8
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︎ Jan 29 2021
After a few uses, I decided to get rid of my vacuum.
๐︎ 12
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︎ Jan 04 2021
I won a $1million in the lottery last night and have decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
I now have 999.999.75 left.
๐︎ 8
๐
︎ Jan 19 2021
My girlfriend and I have been really stressed and having some issues so we decided to take a mini vacation, a weekend trip to a ski resort.
Everything started off well, but things went downhill really fast.
๐︎ 3
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︎ Jan 25 2021
I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.
๐︎ 43
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︎ Dec 03 2020
I was considering investing in a Chinese distillery but decided against it.
๐︎ 38
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︎ Dec 05 2020
I decided to go on a vacation with my family. Almost all the hotel rooms were booked except one
It was our last resort...
๐︎ 9
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︎ Jan 08 2021
I was thinking of going as a bandaid this Halloween, but then decided against it.
I find it really hard to pull it off.
๐︎ 143
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︎ Oct 22 2020
A friend decided to gift me the boots Iโve been drooling over
They werenโt the color I wanted, but beggars canโt be shoes-y.
๐︎ 4
๐
︎ Jan 05 2021
After my failed attempt at growing vegetables this year, I've decided to become a music producer.
I've got a ton of sick beets.
๐︎ 304
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︎ Sep 07 2020
So I decided I'm going to put cigarette pictures on my Tinder
Because I'm looking for matches
๐︎ 6
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︎ Dec 17 2020
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
๐︎ 17
๐
︎ Dec 05 2020
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my girlfriend some beads for an abacus.
Itโs the little things that count.
๐︎ 18
๐
︎ Feb 12 2021
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner...
Well, it was just collecting dust.
๐︎ 10
๐
︎ Mar 03 2021
I decided to sell my vacuum...
๐︎ 7
๐
︎ Jan 04 2021
I decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because Iโm not big enough or strong enough
Iโve just handed in my Too weak notice.
๐︎ 13k
๐
︎ Jun 13 2020
My next door neighbor and I are good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.
๐︎ 9k
๐
︎ Apr 21 2020
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