My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl
...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.
Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling 🎳 '
Thank you for the awards
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
I have a friend with no social skills and a Ph.D in the history of palindromes.
When I was a kid I thought we’d all grow up to work with horses
All people ever talked about was getting a stable job...
Boss said he’d fire me if I made any more country puns
It was the end of my Korea
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
....and the second one Duplikate.
My son asked me if I knew any good chemistry jokes as he'd just had his first chemistry class. I thought about telling him one about alkalinity...
But then I thought; 'Nah, too basic...'
I was tasked to come up with a great pun for a new launch of Microsoft Office, I thought I’d come up with a great one.
But my publisher told me that word games are not what I excel at.
My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.
I told them, "Just you wait!"
I'd like to share a small victory with you all today
Given that a case of the sniffles means staying home from school, we give my daughter a daily allergy medicine. My wife was giving her breakfast before school, and when I walked out, I asked if she’d had her medicine yet.
My daughter said yes, and I replied, “So you’re de-Claritin that you’ve had it already?”
I wonder what I'd do if I saw a nose that didn't belong to anyone
**Genie: I will grant you 2 wishes** **Me: I want to be rich.** **Genie: Okay granted, second wish?** **Rich: I'd like loads of money.**
Wow never thought I'd get this far
If i could, I’d make sure everyone had a dolphin.
Because everybody needs a porpoise to their life
A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z
I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.
2 years ago my doctor told me I’d go deaf
I haven’t heard from him since.
I posted 10 puns thinking they'd get into hot
I'd smoke a cigarette every time after sex...
Thanks to my wife I've stopped smoking.
I'd like to tell you my favorite tongue-twister.
I’d tell you jokes about circles
Since they are filming Spider-Man 3 near my house, I thought I’d write the lead actor an orchestral piece...
I think I’ll call it “Mr. Holland’s Opus”
On reflection, there's a lot of stuff I'd like to have done differently this past year.
But hey, hindsight is 2020
My wife got mad after I tried to convince her that she'd agreed to let me buy a neon sign.
I guess she doesn't like gas lighting.
I was watching an EzPz vid on r/Im14andthisisdeep, and thought I'd make a meme.
I'd like to plug my wife's attempt to cross the Atlantic in a bath tub.
But it's too late....she sank.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called '1001 cures for itches."
I guess, I've got to start again from scratch.
Owl to cop: “I’d like to report an incident..”
Cop: Giggling “Do you know HOO dunnit?”
Owl: “Sir, eight people were murdered”
Cop: O_O
I said to my wife "When I die," I'd like to die having sex"
She replied: “At least it’ll be quick.”
I’d say something sweet about the new Jacket I got for Christmas..
But I don’t want to sugar coat it.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around, eventually.
If I had to describe myself in three words, I'd have to say:
A little Christmas song. A B C D E F G H I J K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L...
So, if anyone can suggest a city, I'd be grateful.
I have to make dad jokes or I could lose my dad license. It's a thing called D-Law. If you're caught being a dad without a license? Well...
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I'd put the mask on before I left for work this morning......
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
Not amaizeing(kinda corny), but I thought I'd share.
So, my child told me on the phone they'd got a sex change. They could tell I wasn't too bothered...
I had become trans-parent
My wife asked me if I’d seen the dog bowl..
I said “I didn’t know he could.”
Wife asked if I'd seen the dog bowl...
“Didn't even know he played cricket" I replied
2 years ago my doctor told me I’d go deaf
I haven’t heard from him since.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
........and the second one DupliKate.
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