Ima start spelling weed oui’d cos I can’t say no to it
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl
...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.
Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling 🎳 '
Thank you for the awards
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
I have a friend with no social skills and a Ph.D in the history of palindromes.
I've been wearing this mask for so long, I wasn't sure I'd even be able to get rid of it.
When I was a kid I thought we’d all grow up to work with horses
All people ever talked about was getting a stable job...
If I could be a superhero I'd be Aluminum man...
That way I could foil crime.
I always had low charisma when I chose elf in D&D.
Maybe that's why I have such low elf-esteem.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
......and the second one Duplikate.
I promised my wife I'd follow her into the afterlife if she died, but it took me longer than expected.
"Finally," she said when I arrived, "you're late."
You'd be impressed with the display cabinet I have at home, full of saltwater and semen.
I'd like to personally thank the inventor of the mini skirt...
My balls have never felt so free.
I'd like to share a small victory with you all today
Boss said he’d fire me if I made any more country puns
It was the end of my Korea
I'd really like to move to Switzerland one day
I hear the flag's a real plus.
My son asked me if I knew any good chemistry jokes as he'd just had his first chemistry class. I thought about telling him one about alkalinity...
But then I thought; 'Nah, too basic...'
My wife showed me how she’d stab me if I ever cheated on her.
The knife didn’t go all the way in, but I got the point.
Me: “Oh, I wish I’d listened to my mother” Friend: “Why? What’d she tell you?”
Me: “I don’t know, I wasn’t listening”
My friend became monk recently. I asked him if he'd take a vow of silence, but he didn't answer
I guess it goes without saying
I was tasked to come up with a great pun for a new launch of Microsoft Office, I thought I’d come up with a great one.
But my publisher told me that word games are not what I excel at.
My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.
I told them, "Just you wait!"
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
Given that a case of the sniffles means staying home from school, we give my daughter a daily allergy medicine. My wife was giving her breakfast before school, and when I walked out, I asked if she’d had her medicine yet.
My daughter said yes, and I replied, “So you’re de-Claritin that you’ve had it already?”
No one thought I'd ever be good at math proofs
I've decided to start storing everything in the Cloud, and it's a lot easier than you'd think
Although I'm still not sure how exactly I'm supposed to get anything back down... I guess I'll just have to wait until the balloons pop to use my TV again.
I once debated a flat earthed. He got me so mad I stormed off, saying I'd come back around eventually.
You could say I went over the edge.
I gave some dude the money I'd saved to to buy bushes to line my property. I'd introduce you, but
my hedge fund manager hates reddit.
Wow never thought I'd get this far
**Genie: I will grant you 2 wishes** **Me: I want to be rich.** **Genie: Okay granted, second wish?** **Rich: I'd like loads of money.**
If i could, I’d make sure everyone had a dolphin.
Because everybody needs a porpoise to their life
A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z
I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.
2 years ago my doctor told me I’d go deaf
I haven’t heard from him since.
I posted 10 puns thinking they'd get into hot
I'd smoke a cigarette every time after sex...
Thanks to my wife I've stopped smoking.
I'd like to tell you my favorite tongue-twister.
I was watching an EzPz vid on r/Im14andthisisdeep, and thought I'd make a meme.
I’d tell you jokes about circles
My wife got mad after I tried to convince her that she'd agreed to let me buy a neon sign.
I guess she doesn't like gas lighting.
Since they are filming Spider-Man 3 near my house, I thought I’d write the lead actor an orchestral piece...
I think I’ll call it “Mr. Holland’s Opus”
On reflection, there's a lot of stuff I'd like to have done differently this past year.
But hey, hindsight is 2020
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around, eventually.
The wife asked me tonight if I’d seen the dog bowl.
I said ‘to be honest I didn’t even know he played cricket’.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
....and the second one Duplikate.
My wife asked me if I’d seen the dog bowl..
I said “I didn’t know he could.”
Wife asked if I'd seen the dog bowl...
“Didn't even know he played cricket" I replied
2 years ago my doctor told me I’d go deaf
I haven’t heard from him since.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
........and the second one DupliKate.
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