You can't do this to me. I know my rights!
My son said "I can't believe what happens to milk when you churn it"
I said to him "you butter believe it"
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals.
If you can't appreciate this, please furgive me
You know what I can’t believe?
If you can't stand this one, don't forget to yell "Timber" before falling over
My 6 year old said: You can’t eat eggs for breakfast, lunch, AND dinner!
You’ll get a tummyegg. So proud
I googled "What can you make with 50kg of sulfur?"
What do you call a cow that can't produce milk?
I Can’t Herb Falling in Love With You
What do you call a chameleon that can’t change colors?
I went for an interview. They said, "Can you perform under pressure?"
I said, "I'm not sure about that but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsody."
I can’t come up with a pun for the title, sorry
I can't tell you all Japanese history in one joke...
Why can’t you cut poop in half?
Because it’s already in turds.
You know what I can’t stand
My wife laughed, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math!" I shrugged and said, "You never know! Anybody can win the lottery." Folding her arms, she asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?" I shot back, "Yes!! 100%!!"
What do you call someone who can't stop watching films with strong female leads?
I had a vasectomy on Tuesday. Honestly? I can’t feel a deferens.
Honestly? I can’t feel a deferens.
I just can't stand people with missing toes
You could say I'm lack toes intolerant.
Someone broke into my garage last night, stole my tools and stuff, but I can't believe they took my limbo stick too.
Seriously..how low can you go ?
You can't spell glad without...
Why can't you trust atoms?
Because they make up everything
I said to my kids, "Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do! Take Beethoven for example. They told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf!"
As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...
"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
What do you call a bee that can't make up it's mind?
You can’t plant any flowers…
An actual joke from my 8 year old - Why can’t you trust atoms?
They make up everything.
I was proud.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
How can you prove that the "I" before "E" except after "C" doesn't always apply ?
Why can’t you do Schrodinger’s experiment on the surface of Mars?
Because Curiosity killed the cat.
My daughter today: "Dad, if you transitioned to a woman, I wouldn't be able to see you"
Me: "Why?"
Daughter: "Because you would be trans-parent"
She got me good. I actually GOL (Groaned Out Loud)
I can't trust Draino anymore...
I found out it was a lye.
I can’t believe it’s not butter!
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
Did you hear that you can't buy apple jam in stores anymore?
It's only available on iTunes now.
Why can't you tell the Mandalorian a joke about his helmet?
It always goes over his head.
I came home and saw a note from my wife stuck on the fridge: “I’m sorry. This isn’t working. You take things too literally. Goodbye.”
She will be so happy when she finds out I ordered a new one.
What do you call a paper airplane that can't fly?
Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
Did you know? I certainly didn’t but, that game ‘Mortal Combat’ was originally based upon a very old Scandinavian church song.
>!It was a Finnish Hymn!<
What do you call a pancake that just can’t be beat?
It's seedy bread, you can't have seedy bread.
How can you tell that the band “The Police” don’t like hot donuts?
They said you don’t have to put on the red light
Why can’t you trust atoms?
Because they make up everything
I can't remember how to write 1,1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals
What do you call a cucumber that can't make up it's mind?
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
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