I Believe You Puns

Man, talk about pier pressure.

To remedy this, his social group decided that the next time they gathered they would act like Mark's brothers.

I could keep cracking them all day long.

“It looks like…..I’m going to live in the present.”

"Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

It’s margarine-ally better than butter (This just came to me when making toast haha)

Sea for yourself.

Dolly Parton and Jolene were carpooling together!

In his sleevies.

I'll show myself out.

Linkin Park

I was shocked

But it's Trudeau.

Son: “Hi, Furious. I’m son.”

PS Furious didn’t laugh, do not attempt.

The appendix was missing!

I said to him "you butter believe it"

Because that's the proper First Aid number

C4 yourself.

Note: homeostasis is a scientific term for "equilibrium". Sorry if this went over your head 😁

Ice-wear to God.

Son: You’re welcome. I hope you enjoy it.

Dad: From now on, I will.... start living in the present.

He said, "C4 yourself."

Very little

Okay so I get off at 4:00 and I didn't waste any time leaving the office. Shut down my computer, grabbed my keys, and I was on the road by 4:05. It had been a pretty crazy day and I was ready to get home.

As I'm driving home I notice I'm running on Empty. I probably could have made it home but I was really craving a Coca Cola so I decide to stop at the nearest gas station.

Anyways I'm filling my tank I see an old lady a few gas pumps away putting gas in her old beat up station wagon but didn't really think anything of it and just continued to enjoy my icey cold Coca Cola.

Next thing I know I see this old lady holding the gas pump nozzle spewing gas everywhere. I guess she had taken the nozzle out of the vehicle w out disengaging the automatic trigger or whatever but it went EVERYWHERE. Her car, her arms, the ground, all over the place and by the time she got that thing to stop spraying there was at least a gallon of gas everywhere.

So I immediately run over to see if she's okay and she smells like straight up gas. I gave her napkins to dry off her hands and to clean what gas was spilled on the car. She said she was okay and thanked me for my help so I leave and head home.

So now I'm a few blocks from home, driving over the last hill right before my next turn and all of a sudden, almost out of nowhere, she comes flyin past me in that same old beat up station wagon with, I shit you not, her arm CAUGHT ON FIRE. And as if that's not bad enough there are two cops right behind her in hot pursuit. So while I'm freaking out trying to pull over to the side she zooms past so fast I barely catch a glimpse of her frantically flailing her arm out the window as they all go over the hill.

At that point couldn't believe what I was seeing it was just too crazy. So I quickly get back on the road and make my way over the hill and I spot her. She's pulled over in the emergency lane. I see the same old lady being handcuffed and put in the back of the squad car.

Yeah turns out she was arrested for waiving a fire arm in public.

¯_(ツ)_/¯

I'm an Aquarius, and that's not in our trait profile.

It's a catastrophe.

Edit: Don't ask what that question mark is doing there?

It’s not butter

Son: I hope you enjoy it. What are your plans?

Dad: I’m just going to..... live in the present.

Son: I hope you enjoy it.

Dad: From now on,...... I’ll start living in the present.

Dad: I’m going to live in the present.