I once gave up my seat on the bus to a blind man.
And that's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
When I was a single man, I had loads of free time.
Now that I listen to albums, I hardly ever leave the house.
A man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
The boss exclaims, "Problem? There is no such thing. We call it an opportunity!"
The man says, "Okay then. I have a serious drinking opportunity."
A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow "mind if I say a word?".
The widow replies "Please do".
The man clears his throat and say
"Bargain".
The widow replies "Thanks, that means a great deal".
A man is at a restaurant and calls the waitress over. Miss I would like to ask you a question about the menu please..... ?
The waitress slaps him in the face and replies: the men I please is none of you God damn business.
My 9 year old son just asked me to pretend I was a police officer arresting him for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Me: Young man, you're under arrest for downloading the entire Wikipedia!
Him: I can explain everything!
(It's his best joke yet I think)
I met a man who would only use lighters recommended by Snoop
He got that dig Bic energy
My son is studying to become a lawyer, so I texted him, "If you tickle a man to death by accident..."
"Son, do you know the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?" After thinking a minute, he asked, "No dad, what?" Smiling, I responded, "Iron Man stops the bad guys but..."
"Aluminum Man just foils their plans!"
My friend and I were walking down the street when suddenly we came across a one-armed man.
He was pretty scary-looking and it was dark, so I got quite nervous.
Seeing this, my friend calmly said "don't worry about him, he's armless".
i saw a man proposing in the gym today but she said no.
Clearly that didn't workout
I once knew a man named Scott from the UK, but he had his legal name slightly altered.
I need help coming up with a Punny female alternative to "Man Cave" for my girlfriend.
I am building a room for my GF to have a sanctuary to herself and I want to make her a stupid little hanging sign for the door and she loves a good joke. So the best alternative I came up with to "man cave" was Cooter Cavern, but I wanted to see what magic Reddit could come up with. Whatcha got?
I'm a therapist, and today a man asked if I could see him immediately about his claustrophobia.
I told him I'd squeeze him in.
I heard that Sean Connery once pulled the razor out of a man’s hand, who was shredding a large pile of cash to bits
I guess he wanted to shave a dollar
Man I really messed up at work today. The head of our safety dept. ask me what steps I would take in the event of a fire.
Evidently "Really big and fast ones!" was not the correct answer.
I walked into a blind man in an alley and gave him the shock of his life.
He did not see that coming.
When I was young, I thought I was a man trapped in a woman's body.
And then my mom gave birth to me.
I went to a bar last night and my beer said I was a very handsome man.
It was a complimentary drink.
Once I met a man walking his dog in a park in Copenhagen. We chatted for a while.
They were both Great Danes.
This afternoon an old man with a long beard and pointy hat knocked on my door, waved his wand, and said, "I was summoned here by the weather forecasters."
I’ve just seen a man with no arms cycle past me
I’m not sure of his name but his face rang a bell.
Two men walk into a bar. One man orders H₂O. The other man says: "I'll have H₂O, too."
I once referred to a man as an extinguished gentleman
Man I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want any more kids.
But yet I woke up this morning and they’re still here!
I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese,butter and yoghurt at me.
I visited a monastery and as I walked by the kitchen I saw a man frying chips. I asked him "are you the friar?"
He replied "no im the chip monk."
A man bursts the door open and shouts: "Doctor help me I'm shrinking!!"
The doctor replies: "well you're gonna have to be a little patient"
I know a man who is so good at taxidermy, the level of detail is incredible and he really brings the animal to life, especially deer...
That's why he makes the big bucks.
I got into a bar brawl with this huge man that tore my earlobes off.
Now I'm ear-ring impaired.
When I was in university I was living with a man that spoke very broken English
After my first term ended I decided to move back to my home town. A few weeks later I saw a news article, a zoo had been broken into and all the animals had escaped, noticing the zoo was right near my old house I decided to call my old flat mate and ask if he was okay. When he answered he seemed terrified, but no matter how many times I asked he wouldn't tell me what was wrong. In the end I got frustrated and hung up.
I later discovered he was seriously injuried in a vicious animal attack right after that phone call and I felt terrible for hanging up the phone, but I tried my best, he wouldn't tell me why he was scared he just kept telling me "bear-with-me, bear-with-me" and a man can only wait so long
A man runs into the doctor's office panicking and tells the doctor "help me I'm shrinking"
The doctor tells him " Sir please calm down you're going to have to be a little patient"
As a white man I would never do Mongolian throat singing
It's guttural appropriation
Recently, I saw a homeless man with only his pants on run away from a bear.
Poor guy was scared shirtless.
I overheard a man order a sundae with nuts, but no ice cream.
A man visits his father for the holidays. He says, "Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend and I brought her to meet you." His father facepalms and says, "You know, you could do better." The son says "Aww, thanks Dad!"
Dad looks at him and says, "I was talking to your girlfriend."
I was literally the only person at the cinema last night wearing a mask watching spider-man. I felt like such and idiot.
One guy even came over to me and said "oi mate! Can you even see in that thing"
An old man goes to visit his doctor about painful peeing. His wife goes with him because the old man is hard of hearing. After an examination the Doctor says to the old man, "I need you to leave a urine, semen and feces samples for analysis."
The old man didn't quite hear the Doctor and asks his wife, "What did the Doctor say?"
The wife replies, "He wants you to leave your underpants here, dear."
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, I'll have a double entendre."
So the bartender gave it to him.
I once met a crazed man muttering incoherently about Ancient Mesopotamia but I had to stop him because…
I didn’t want him to Babylon…
I just read that a man was shot dead with a starter pistol.
Police say it might be race related.
This summer when I was at the olympics I saw a man carrying a large pole so I asked: “Oh are you a pole vaulter?”
And he said “no I’m German but how did you know my name was Walter?”
Last week I saw a one-handed man walking around a second-hand store.
I gently tapped him on the shoulder “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for sir”
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, “I’d like a ham sandwich with pickle and mayo.”
The librarian scolds him, “Sir, this is a library!”
The man looks around apologetically to the other patrons, leans close to the librarian, and whispers,
^(“Sorry! I’d like a ham sandwich with pickle and mayo.”)
I saw a man walking his 2 dogs across the street.
As he approached, I said to him,," Wow you must be a sheep!"
"What do you mean?" He asked.
"Because you really like shepherds." I replied
My son is studying to become a lawyer, so I texted him, "If you tickle a man to death by accident..."
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