I once gave up my seat on the bus to a blind man.

And that's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 330
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/EsseB420
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 14 2022
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When I was a single man, I had loads of free time.

Now that I listen to albums, I hardly ever leave the house.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 25 2022
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A man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."

The boss exclaims, "Problem? There is no such thing. We call it an opportunity!"

The man says, "Okay then. I have a serious drinking opportunity."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Lava_Wolf_68
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 14 2022
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A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow "mind if I say a word?".

The widow replies "Please do".

The man clears his throat and say "Bargain".

The widow replies "Thanks, that means a great deal".

πŸ‘οΈŽ 57
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/thedeathwaiter
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 22 2022
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A man is at a restaurant and calls the waitress over. Miss I would like to ask you a question about the menu please..... ?

The waitress slaps him in the face and replies: the men I please is none of you God damn business.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 85
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TurkeySlapMafia
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 08 2022
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My 9 year old son just asked me to pretend I was a police officer arresting him for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Me: Young man, you're under arrest for downloading the entire Wikipedia!

Him: I can explain everything!

(It's his best joke yet I think)

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MrPJ2020
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 14 2022
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I met a man who would only use lighters recommended by Snoop

He got that dig Bic energy

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Gurnberble
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 04 2022
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My son is studying to become a lawyer, so I texted him, "If you tickle a man to death by accident..."

"Is it manslaughter?!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 291
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 02 2022
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"Son, do you know the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?" After thinking a minute, he asked, "No dad, what?" Smiling, I responded, "Iron Man stops the bad guys but..."

"Aluminum Man just foils their plans!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 74
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 02 2022
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My friend and I were walking down the street when suddenly we came across a one-armed man.

He was pretty scary-looking and it was dark, so I got quite nervous.

Seeing this, my friend calmly said "don't worry about him, he's armless".

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/pvtsoab
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 11 2022
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i saw a man proposing in the gym today but she said no.

Clearly that didn't workout

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DonPittelleone
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 07 2022
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I once knew a man named Scott from the UK, but he had his legal name slightly altered.

Now he’s just Scottish.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/dunno_wut_i_am_doing
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 04 2022
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I need help coming up with a Punny female alternative to "Man Cave" for my girlfriend.

I am building a room for my GF to have a sanctuary to herself and I want to make her a stupid little hanging sign for the door and she loves a good joke. So the best alternative I came up with to "man cave" was Cooter Cavern, but I wanted to see what magic Reddit could come up with. Whatcha got?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 26
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/qbergeron648
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 14 2022
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I'm a therapist, and today a man asked if I could see him immediately about his claustrophobia.

I told him I'd squeeze him in.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 21 2022
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I heard that Sean Connery once pulled the razor out of a man’s hand, who was shredding a large pile of cash to bits

I guess he wanted to shave a dollar

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/FermentToBee
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 08 2022
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Man I really messed up at work today. The head of our safety dept. ask me what steps I would take in the event of a fire.

Evidently "Really big and fast ones!" was not the correct answer.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/lodiman77
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 31 2022
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I walked into a blind man in an alley and gave him the shock of his life.

He did not see that coming.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Minute_Initiative_72
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 27 2022
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When I was young, I thought I was a man trapped in a woman's body.

And then my mom gave birth to me.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 21
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/AlacarLeoricar
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 12 2022
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I went to a bar last night and my beer said I was a very handsome man.

It was a complimentary drink.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/superherofbmx
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 20 2022
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Once I met a man walking his dog in a park in Copenhagen. We chatted for a while.

They were both Great Danes.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 24
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/operian
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 08 2022
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This afternoon an old man with a long beard and pointy hat knocked on my door, waved his wand, and said, "I was summoned here by the weather forecasters."

Sunny spells.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 20 2022
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I’ve just seen a man with no arms cycle past me

I’m not sure of his name but his face rang a bell.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 129
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/bruggemb
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 17 2022
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Two men walk into a bar. One man orders Hβ‚‚O. The other man says: "I'll have Hβ‚‚O, too."

The second man dies.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/PrisonMike266
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 31 2021
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I once referred to a man as an extinguished gentleman

He was put out.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/amishandroid
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 17 2022
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Man I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want any more kids.

But yet I woke up this morning and they’re still here!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 08 2022
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I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese,butter and yoghurt at me.

How Dairy!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 419
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/berkleysquare
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 22 2021
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I visited a monastery and as I walked by the kitchen I saw a man frying chips. I asked him "are you the friar?"

He replied "no im the chip monk."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 334
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Used-Cut6065
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 02 2022
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A man bursts the door open and shouts: "Doctor help me I'm shrinking!!"

The doctor replies: "well you're gonna have to be a little patient"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 401
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/HeLst3n1
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 19 2021
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I know a man who is so good at taxidermy, the level of detail is incredible and he really brings the animal to life, especially deer...

That's why he makes the big bucks.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 18
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/HCJohnson
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 26 2022
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I got into a bar brawl with this huge man that tore my earlobes off.

Now I'm ear-ring impaired.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MisterBlisteredlips
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 30 2022
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When I was in university I was living with a man that spoke very broken English

After my first term ended I decided to move back to my home town. A few weeks later I saw a news article, a zoo had been broken into and all the animals had escaped, noticing the zoo was right near my old house I decided to call my old flat mate and ask if he was okay. When he answered he seemed terrified, but no matter how many times I asked he wouldn't tell me what was wrong. In the end I got frustrated and hung up.

I later discovered he was seriously injuried in a vicious animal attack right after that phone call and I felt terrible for hanging up the phone, but I tried my best, he wouldn't tell me why he was scared he just kept telling me "bear-with-me, bear-with-me" and a man can only wait so long

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Spedding1998
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 07 2022
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A man runs into the doctor's office panicking and tells the doctor "help me I'm shrinking"

The doctor tells him " Sir please calm down you're going to have to be a little patient"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/fullmiz
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 23 2022
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As a white man I would never do Mongolian throat singing

It's guttural appropriation

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/nuce_name_for_a_tree
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 24 2022
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Recently, I saw a homeless man with only his pants on run away from a bear.

Poor guy was scared shirtless.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Mtg_Dervar
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 07 2022
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I overheard a man order a sundae with nuts, but no ice cream.

To me, that's just nuts.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 20
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DukeJon
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 05 2022
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A man visits his father for the holidays. He says, "Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend and I brought her to meet you." His father facepalms and says, "You know, you could do better." The son says "Aww, thanks Dad!"

Dad looks at him and says, "I was talking to your girlfriend."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 69
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ObsessiveAboutCats
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 03 2021
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I was literally the only person at the cinema last night wearing a mask watching spider-man. I felt like such and idiot.

One guy even came over to me and said "oi mate! Can you even see in that thing"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/mitcheg3k
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 16 2021
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An old man goes to visit his doctor about painful peeing. His wife goes with him because the old man is hard of hearing. After an examination the Doctor says to the old man, "I need you to leave a urine, semen and feces samples for analysis."

The old man didn't quite hear the Doctor and asks his wife, "What did the Doctor say?"

The wife replies, "He wants you to leave your underpants here, dear."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 37
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/YZXFILE
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 23 2021
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A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, I'll have a double entendre."

So the bartender gave it to him.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ValkornDoA
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 20 2022
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I once met a crazed man muttering incoherently about Ancient Mesopotamia but I had to stop him because…

I didn’t want him to Babylon…

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 13 2022
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I just read that a man was shot dead with a starter pistol.

Police say it might be race related.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 877
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porkchop_d_clown
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 27 2021
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This summer when I was at the olympics I saw a man carrying a large pole so I asked: β€œOh are you a pole vaulter?”

And he said β€œno I’m German but how did you know my name was Walter?”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 431
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Bleedthebeat
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 04 2021
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Last week I saw a one-handed man walking around a second-hand store.

I gently tapped him on the shoulder β€œI don’t think they have what you’re looking for sir”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 29
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/klt245
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 30 2021
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A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, β€œI’d like a ham sandwich with pickle and mayo.”

The librarian scolds him, β€œSir, this is a library!”

The man looks around apologetically to the other patrons, leans close to the librarian, and whispers,

 

^(β€œSorry! I’d like a ham sandwich with pickle and mayo.”)

πŸ‘οΈŽ 20
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/startrektoheck
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 06 2022
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I saw a man walking his 2 dogs across the street.

As he approached, I said to him,," Wow you must be a sheep!"

"What do you mean?" He asked.

"Because you really like shepherds." I replied

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Emma32kitty
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 28 2021
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My son is studying to become a lawyer, so I texted him, "If you tickle a man to death by accident..."

"Is it manslaughter?!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 12 2021
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