Hysterically Puns

Luckily, I was up practicing my drums at the time..

A sand witch

He had lost a deer friend in the wildfire

That’s how they put the Laughter in Slaughter...!

Happy Halloween 🎃

Here all night haha

Hickory Dickory Dock

Three mice ran up the clock,

The clock struck one,

And the other two got away with minor injuries.

ISN'T THAT HILARIOUS

While making dinner tonight for the family, my girlfriend wanted to add more of that dark, leafy, and easily pun-able green called Kale.

Girlfriend: Can I add more kale?

Me: Won't that be over-kale?

It’s hysterical

My friend just told me that pizza restaurants’ mozzarella is actually blended with provolone to make it more affordable and my only response was

“They cut the cheese?!”

And I’ve been laughing hysterically at my own joke for 10 minutes

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him “This is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining “jingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. “Rudolph” “Frosty the Snowman” “Drummer Boy” even “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. “ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. “NO honey it really works watch!” “Im going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. “WAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out “CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”

This just happened...we get home from doing some Xmas shopping at a certain sporting goods store and my teenage daughter says...

"DAD! Where is your Dick's bag?"

I say "That's inappropriate" .... She looks at me curious like WTH are you talking about

I then say "We call it a condom."

She... pauses for a moment ... then "oh... MY GOD!"... and hysterical "I can't believe you just said that" type laughing ensues

I notice the woman is hysterical and the rabbit, well let's just say he's had better days.
I think to myself "Can I render first aid ? "
Then it hits me, I can fix this.
I go to the boot of my car and grab a can of spray. So I spray this onto the rabbit and sure as shit he jumps up and hops away.

As he is hopping away every ten steps he stops looks backs and waves at us !
He repeats this until he eventually was out of sight.

The women then asks me "what was that can of spray you used?"

I look and it is hair restorer with a permanent wave.

I wish to add no Rabbits were harmed in the telling of this story

When I fight with my wife, she keeps getting historical.

You mean, hysterical, right?

No, she keeps bringing up the past

My 10 month old was sitting in her high chair and twisting and moving all over the place. My wife looked at me and told me to "Straighten her up"

I looked at her and said "What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It's time to grow up."...

My wife hasn't asked me to do anything since.

I lost my phone and asked my dad if he could call it and his response was to yell “lolabean’s phone!” and then laugh hysterically and ask for a high five

My Bio professor was teaching us how to press plants for our field journals. He kicked off the lecture with:

"Well, let's get down to the pressing business, shall we?"

Out of a room of twenty people, one person laughed. That person was me.

Singing “Wakeme up before you go go” apparently wasn’t as hysterical to everyone else.

Me: Starts randomly meowing in bed

Wife comes in and looks at me as much as to say WTF?

Me: I was cat calling you; and it worked!

Wife sighs and looks defeated

Me: Laughs hysterically

after a slight, recent issue of my kid putting her shoes on the wrong feet, she hits me with this...

"daddy, not like shoes, socks can go on either foot!"

"youve got it, honey"

i look down a few seconds later... both socks are on the same foot.

"you told me either foot was ok!" she laughed hysterically for minutes.

I been fooling around with this girl who's 5'9" and 110lbs.

Me: I don't understand how you're so skinny; we both eat the same unhealthy garbage

Her: It's hereditary, everyone in my family is real skinny.

Me: So I guess you've got skinny genes!

I laughed hysterically. She was mildly amused.

A younger co-worker just walked past my office and said "I'm so tired," to which I replied "Hello Miss Tired, may I call you 'So'"?
She was immediately in absolute hysterical laughter. I don't know how long it went on. She walked away and was still laughing until she was out of ear shot.
I'm starting to suspect she's drunk.

Me: Reach for the jalapenos to put on my enchiladas

Dad: Be careful. Those jalapenos can get really personal.

Me: What?

Dad: Yeah, they'll get jalap-en-yo business.

Me: Laugh hysterically

So it was my first time meeting my girlfriend's family and it was a holiday so I had assumed it would go like how it is in the movies, the guy being constantly criticized by the girl's family and told he's not good enough but I must have lucked out as they absolutely loved me, after we had the traditional thanksgiving meal at around 4, her family and I went to the porch to drink and joke around. On the way out to the porch, buzzed me thought it would be hilarious to take someone's ukelele with me and hide it on the porch, I promised myself that before the day is over, I'd use that ukelele as a joke piece and get everyone to love me even more. So the evening is going great, everyone's drunk, laughing, telling funny family stories when all of a sudden, I stand up, get everyone's attention and I grab the ukelele, picked it up and said

"I like to play a little guitar"

The hysterical, drunken laughs of everyone on the porch was the highlight of the best Thanksgiving I've ever had.

(x-post from /r/TalesFromRetail)
[was told I should post it here as well]

This happened shortly after I started back to work in retail.

My grocery shift had just started and I was about to begin facing one end of an aisle when I spotted a man in his mid to late 30s at the other end of the aisle. We made eye contact and he made a beeline straight for me.

Me: "Hi. How are you today?"
Him: "Do you know what to do if you get a sudden urge to strip off all your clothes and run around naked in public?"

Now, at this moment, I'm not sure what's happening. I can't pick up any clues from his body language that would indicate where this conversation is going to go. I'm a wee bit concerned that this man is about to start taking off his clothes in front of me. Not exactly what I had planned for the day. He's staring at me intently, waiting for a reply. I don't want to spook him, so I do the only thing I can think of and that's just to stand there and stare at him silently.

After a few seconds, he says to me "Just spray yourself down with Windex. It prevents streaking. Have a nice day!"

He grins and walks away. I started laughing (a little too hysterically ... mostly because of relief).

Son: "Dad? Can you make me a burger?"

Dad: "Sure! (waives tongs like a magic wand) POOF! You're a burger!"

(Dad laughing hysterically. Son rolls eyes)

Without hesitation, I immediately said I have a ‘toe’tee...

Then I proceeded to laugh hysterically... at my own joke... I am not ashamed. 😂🤷🏻‍♂️

I said, "It's a calc class, I guess you could say curves are integral to our class."

Groans filled the room. I laughed hysterically.

My 5 month old has a little bit of a cough. The conversation went something like this:.
5 month old: {coughs}.
My wife: Goodness, where is that little cough coming from?
2.5 year old: Baby's mouth!
Me: {laughs hysterically}

Three roommates, a human, a monkey and a dog are watching Netflix when the human and monkey start laughing. The dog rolls his eyes and says “That joke is getting old.” The monkey then says “Hey, do you want to press play next time?” The human almost chokes on his soda as he starts laughing hysterically. The dog gets up and goes to his room. As he walks off, he turns and with a single tear forming, and his voice quivering he blurts out “You both know I only have paws!”

Her: when is my appointment tomorrow
Me: the realisation dawns on me and I start laughing hysterically
Her: what?
Me: drying my eyes 2:30
her: groans did you do that on purpose?

I did not, the fates gave me that one for free.

Edit: Tooth hurty. Apparently that wasn't clear

When my girlfriend saw my haircut for the first time she exclaimed, "It looks great!"

I responded, "Yeah, I didn't like it at first but it's really starting to grow on me..."

There was about three seconds of silence before I said "...get it?" and she groaned. I, of course, laughed hysterically.

Working with dad today : Dad : 'here's sone earplugs mate. You're only getting two .'

Me: 'thats fine I only have two ears '

Dad :' not everyone has two ears you know , some people have three '

Me : ' like who ? '

Dad :' well captain kirk had one left ear , one right ear , and a final frontier '

And my disappointed face leads him into hysterics haha .

Before I could put my own shoes on I would always ask m dad for help and This was his response every damn time.

me "daddy can you put my shoes on please"

Dad. "I can but I don't think they will fit me"

Followed this my dad would laugh hysterically and me whining saying "Nooo on meeeeee".

Me: "What does a horse say?"

4 y/o: "Neigh!"

Me: "Horses are neigh-sayers?"

4 y/o: "Yup." Runs into the other room. "Horses are neigh-sayers!" (Laughs hysterically)

Wife, not impressed: "What are you teaching him?"

Cause there’s too many cheetahs.

-my kid thinks this is hysterical because cheetahs don’t live in the jungle, they live in the savannah.

This evening I was sitting on the couch with my sister doing some paperwork and my dad sleeping next to me. I started playing a game on my phone which was making the movie hard to hear so my sister said "can you not?" And my dad replied from his slumber "no but I can tie" and returned to sleeping. I started laughing hysterically but my sister didn't get it.

Riding home with my girlfriend (now wife because of this) and we crossed over some railroad tracks. I let out a loud, "hmmmm."

She said, "What?"

Me, "A train must have just come through here."

She, "How do you know that?"

Me, "Because it left its tracks."

Me laughing hysterically, I could actually hear her eyes roll.

One of my favorites and eight years later, we're still together. The ladies love dad jokes.

My dad got sharp white cheddar cheese as a gift.

Dad - Hey Vinnythepooh come try these cheese and crackers.

Me - (stick cheese in my mouth and start chewing) Ouch, oh shoot that hurt.

Dad - What happened?!

Me - That cheese cut me it was so sharp!

Dad - You jackass thats my line!

Me - (proceed laughing hysterically)

I just recently became a dad so I've been practicing my dad jokes.

Wife: Stop that hurts, I have bare feet Me: That's weird, I thought you had human feet

Her reaction to me laughing hysterically was priceless.

So I got home from college yesterday and was greeted at the bus terminal by my dad. Dad: "Since it's your first night home we should go out for dinner. You choose where we go." Me: "I could go for some Chinese if it isn't too far away." Dad: "I think it'll be worth the wok" He then proceeds to laugh hysterically while I shake my head

This has happened a few times. So yesterday on a conference call my boss mentions that this tree thinks he's either a cat with 9 lives or Jesus christ. I start laughing hysterically because in my head all I can think of is treesus christ.

My second child will be born in 2 weeks. I'm ultimate dad now.

At taco night with my kids: Me: Did you hear Donald Trump wants to ban all of that preshredded taco cheese? Kids: <blank stare> Me: Because he wants to make America grate again! Kids: <groan, get up, leave table> Me: Left laughing hysterically by myself. worth it!

I dunno how it came up but we were talking about incompetent people having children:

Me: you should have to pass a course before you're allowed to have a child

Dad: You do. Intercourse.

Me: instant regret followed by hysterical laughter

I have always made dad jokes, when my fiancé got pregnant I was happy because I could get away with saying them now. I was at training for my new job the other day and we were booked in for lunch at a local steakhouse.

The trainer was asking us about stake holders in the company and she said who are our stake holders? To which I replied "I don't know but I will be a steak holder at lunch" the rest of the class then all moaned and let me know how I was such a dad except for the other dad in the class who joined me laughing hysterically!

So, I'm about to eat breakfast at my parents. I ask what kind of bread everyone wants. My mom says, "I like the dill rye bread." My dad replies, "that's because it's made of dill dough!" And they both start laughing hysterically. My parents, ladies and gentlemen. 37 years together and she still finds him funny.