He had a liquidation sale.
Have you ever been drinking an ice cold beer only to notice the frigid feeling in your thumb?! Look no further and see these new sweaters we have designed to combat the issue! Introducing…..
5 O’clock thumb wear!
I’ll see myself out.
To stay cool.
Both are 90 degrees.
I'm guessing he doesn't like that season.
I’m bacon out here!
our conversation turned into a heated conversation
Get it? Met-a-four?
He picks up the ketchup bottle, glances at it and gives a hearty chuckle before slathering his brat in ketchup.
Puzzled, the woman watches as the next customer, a young girl, walks up to order her hot dog.
As she takes the container of relish, she bursts into a fit of giggles and walks off with her food, still laughing merrily.
A middle-aged man steps up next. Shoveling sauerkraut onto his hot dog, he laughs uproariously and walks away grinning.
When she reaches the front of the line, the woman asks the hot dog vendor,
“Excuse me, sir, but why does everyone laugh when they get their hot dogs?”
“It’s simple, ma’am.” he says, handing her a piping-hot sausage. “I’m surprised you haven’t discovered for yourself.”
Glancing at the mustard, the woman lets loose a peal of laughter.
“Ya see, ma’am? The real_joke’s always in the condiments!"
Popsicles.
Because the heat is in tents.
She asked "I think that would be good, I think we should go. I replied "I would do anything for love..."
But I think the explanation will boar you.
...but I only wear pants when it's cold!
It doesn't matter if you're black, white, rich, poor, skinny, fat, smart or dumb. At the end of the day, it's night.
A summer
(I thought of this, hope it's original)
Sumer
A heavily pregnant woman walks into a bar in the middle of summer and orders a big glass of ice water. "Boy it's a scorcher out there," she says to the bartender. "Sometimes I wonder if it is too hot for the little guy in here." "Oh I wouldn't worry about it," the bartender replies. "It's probably just womb temperature."
I'm currently teaching at a summer program for kids going into 1st grade through 6th grade. I've been using the opportunity to relentlessly torment the kids with dadjokes and puns, naturally.
This morning, one of my 6 year olds was having breakfast. She looked down at the oatmeal and said "Oooh, this is hot, and I'm cold."
She then instantly looked up at me and insisted "Don't call me cold, don't call me cold, don't call me cold!"
I'm so proud.
My son is 6 and he reads everything he sees out loud.
I take a long sip from my giant 7-11 bottle, and he reads the label, "spring water", three times. He then asked, "Why spring water?"
Without a thought, I replied "Because summer water is too hot."
We were driving to a friend's house for "game day". We live in Phoenix...we have flora that doesn't like living..because..it is Phoenix.As we were driving, we passed a huge palm tree on its last root (leg) of life in the median of the road. It is literally being held up by a few 2x4's. I look at my husband with the saddest look I can muster before I say "Babe, did you see that poor palm?". Husband says, "Oh yea, that big, dead-looking ones with the boards?". I respond, "Yea, sweetie, we should say a prayer. The poor thing is on LEAF support". He was not amused...I, however, giggle every other Saturday when we pass the tree to game day. Also, please don't worry about the tree. Now that Phoenix has made it through a hot summer, I bet after winter it will just spring back to life...assuming it doesn't fall. Lastly, sorry I'm not a dad or no actually dad said it...but I was channeling that inner dad when it happened! If I need to move this post it is okay!
On bridges in Michigan, there are signs warning motorists of ice that forms over them during the winter months.
When I was a kid, I was riding in the car with my dad one hot summer day. my dad says, "boy is it hot..." as he pulls over on the bridge, unhooks his wristwatch and sticks it out the window. I ask, "what are you doing, dad?" And he says, "didn't you see the sign? 'Watch for ice on bridge'!"
He laughed for a good five minutes as he drove off.
I was getting my hair cut today and told her how I started blacksmithing this summer and made my own forge.
Barber: "Oh that's really cool!"
Me: "Actually, it's really hot!"
Barber audibly groans.
Thanks for raising me right Dad!
I'm a bagger at a grocery store that does carry out. Also, this was last summer in the southern US where it's hot as hell.
I walked this older fellow out and loaded his groceries in his car and started to walk away when he fished his hand into his pocket, walking after me. He said "Can you take tips?" "No, sir--" "Drink plenty of water."
Haven't seem him since.
Let me preface this with some info. Firstly, me and my father are idiots; our jokes can become insensitive if we aren't careful, as we have few filters. My parents live in a tiny town amidst a thousand other tiny towns. One of the tiny towns right beside us (let's call it Townsburg) has a lot of forest and extra land, so towards the end of the summer when it's still hot but the land is starting to dry out, it's rather susceptible to fires. The other day, Townsburg caught fire in a few different places. The town my parents live in (we'll call it Cityville) is the sausage capital of our state. Yep. Sausage capital. Like brisket and such. Our proudest export is meat. Meat is what we are most proud of. I don't live there anymore, thank the universe.
So I went by my parents house on the way home from work one day to check on my retired, sick father, and watch the news with him (something I try to do whenever I can). And what happened next, well, it all just happened so fast...
Me: "Whoa, Townsburg is on fire again. I guess Cityville isn't the barbecue capital anymore, AYO." Dad: "Nope. Looks like they're about to be the barbecued capital." Me: "...we may need to stop hanging out so much."
Okay so where I stay it is unbelievably hot at the moment. We're already on the third heatwave of this summer so far. I came home one afternoon from work to find my roommate sitting at the island counter of the kitchen working on his laptop. He had all the windows and doors wide open and said it was way too hot to work in his room. So later, while I was visiting my parents for dinner, the discussion of the weather came up and I recounted the story with my roomate. My dad got that twinkle in his eyes and said: “Well, I guess if you can’t stand the heat, get into the kitchen.”
I'm bacon
