Bob
It caused an uproar.
Pharmacist: "Gav is gone."
His name: Dr. Frank's-in-stein.
The temperature
was an evil genius.
... when he went to the back to find a phone case for my friend. He came back out and said, "sorry, no dice."
I said, "that's okay, we were looking for phone cases."
Make me one with everything
It's late at night and me and some friends went to get some hot dogs. There's a group of girls in there complaining that they lost their phone. One of the girls says to the guy taking orders
"Can you call me a cab?"
"You're a cab. Now what?"
Everyone else was laughing except for the people who wanted a cab.
Really left me stumped.
Desperate, slightly unpleasant men will be clamoring for your interest.
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit theyβre bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. βIβd like some wings and a pint of beer, please,β it says. βSorry, but I canβt serve you,β the bartender replies. βYouβre out of your head.β
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. βWe donβt serve your kind here,β the bartender says. βWhy not?β one yogurt asks. βWeβre cultured.β
A friend of mine didnβt pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. Heβs an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and thereβs a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, βWhat are you staring at? Havenβt you ever seen a horse tending bar before?β The guy says, βItβs not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.β
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, βWhatβs with the paper towel?β The pirate says, βArrr! Iβve got a Bounty on me head!β
A turtle is crossing the road when heβs mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, βI donβt know. It all happened so fast.β
Armed robbersβsome say theyβre a drain on society, but youβve got to give it to them.
Barbersβ¦you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Donβt forget the pickle. Itβs kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. Thereβs Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewisβ¦ Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit β‘
Then someone from Hamburg is a Hamburger
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and hands over a few singles to pay for it. The bartender picks up the $1 bills and carefully scrutinizes them, holding them up to the light. "What are you doing?" the guy asks. "There's a new scam going around this holiday season," the bartender replies. "People are passing around counterfeit $1 bills, so be careful. "So, what you're telling me is I should keep an eye out for hot singles in my area," the guy says.
A heavily pregnant woman walks into a bar in the middle of summer and orders a big glass of ice water. "Boy it's a scorcher out there," she says to the bartender. "Sometimes I wonder if it is too hot for the little guy in here." "Oh I wouldn't worry about it," the bartender replies. "It's probably just womb temperature."
The first time he set a building on fire, I turned to my wife and said, "yep, that's arson."
... and you still hate him now. But now he's an official resident of Florida and I may see him differently now. I've seen a lot of hate thrown his way, but this guy is a consistent winner and an overachiever. That's what the people who support him love about him. Yes, there have been some scandals. Yes, there have been some lies and maybe a few times he's twisted the truth to make himself look better. He's out there everyday proving those haters wrong time after time. Call it jealously, call it envy. Some people just can't handle how successful he is and how much money he has. They could even be jealous that he's got a hot, foreign model as his wife. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there is nothing you or I can do about it. I know it'll possibly get worse over the next several days, but like him or not, Tom Brady is turning things around in Tampa Bay.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donβt think itβs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereβs a new type of broom out, itβs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canβt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itβs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnβt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didnβt have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit β‘What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!
I heard a scary math joke, but Iβm 2^^2 to tell it!
Have you heard of that new movie, βConstipationβ? Well it doesnβt matter, it never came out.
I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said βNo, doc, itβs dis knee.β
Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.
When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses donβt cause reactions, after all.
Whatβs the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.
What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!
I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."
Why canβt you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!
Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.
Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You donβt wanna wake the sleeping pills.
What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!
What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!
Help, I canβt stop reading books with female protagonists! Iβm a heroine addict!
How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!
When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!
19 and 20 got into a fight⦠21.
My friend told me, βPeople who sell meat are disgusting!β So I said, βYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!β
How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!
What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bondβ¦ ionic bond. βTaken, not shared.β What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)
How much does Santaβs sleigh cost? $0, itβs on the house.
If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.
I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.
Iβm going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, Iβm outstanding.
Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!
What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide Whatβs the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon
Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But thatβs just a blanket statem
... keep reading on reddit β‘-
Why do prisoners hate computers?
The escape key never works.
-
How do trees get on the internet?
They log in.
-
Knock knock.
Who's there? Toucan. Toucan who? Toucan play at that game
-
How do bees brush their hair? With honeycombs.
-
Why was the empty Olympic stadium so hot? All the fans had left.
-
Why did the cow cross the road? To get to the udder side.
-
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.
-
Can February March? No but April may.
-
Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
10.why are recycling bins so optimistic? Cuz they're full of cans.
[Insert minion meme]
Back when I was maybe 14, I was sitting out on the front porch of my grandmother's house with "the guys," AKA my cousin, his dad/my uncle, and my dad. It was wickedly hot and there were a few annoying flies buzzing around. We were just sitting quietly, taking in the afternoon. Out of nowhere, my uncle, a big guy with a deep, gravelly voice says, "Time's fun when you're having flies." The rest of us were in stitches, it was so clever and dumb at the same time.
A Christmas Poem
by Dad (1952β2009)
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shack,
Not a creature was stirring, we was all in the sack;
Our mugs were placed on the mantle with cheer,
In hope that Saint Nick would bring us a beer;
And me I was tucked up all snug in my bed,
But strains of sweet music still danced through my head;
So I sprang from my bed with a crash and a clatter,
And off down the hall with bare feet did I patter;
There on the chair sat my musical pipe,
So I sat down to play without fanfare or hype;
Come Mozart, come Hayden, Stravinski and Strauss,
And write me some music to bring down the house;
When down from the chimney appeared with a crash,
A strange little man in the smoke and the ash;
He wiggled and jumped and got up like a shot,
Came over and said, "Man those cinders are hot!";
His stomach it shook like a bowl full of jelly,
For a moment I thought it was dear old aunt Nelly;
His nose like a cherry, his ears like two jugs,
I was worried that this guy just might be on drugs;
His language was foul, his jokes they were crass,
So I opened the door and threw him out on his ass;
But then as I turned, boy was I ever surprised;
I saw what he'd bought me, or so I surmised;
For there in the corner right under the tree,
Was some brand new sheet music and a case of O.V.;
I turned to say thank-you but found he had gone,
He was not in the garden and not on the lawn;
And just when I thought that he couldn't get far,
I realized the old goat had stolen the car;
Off in the distance he said with a wheeze,
"I hated to do it but you left me the keys!";
I smiled and laughed for this much I could savour,
For I'd just sold the car to my idiot neighbour;
And once more he called as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and don't drive when you're tight!"
Thank you for everything, Dad. We love and miss you.
These are some of the practical jokes my dad would do while driving to "entertain" us:
-
Driving slow next to a jogger, turning down the window and asking "You seem to be in a hurry. Need a lift?" I would usually hide under a seat in shame.
-
On a hot day in a car without AC, he'd use the standard question "Hot enough for everyone?" which just gave him groans and a loud "yes". - "Well, in this case I can turn down the thermostat again". (Of course, he'd just been turning it up right before his question without anyone noticing)
-
Instead of driving right in a roundabout and taking the third exit, he'd drive left and take the first "to save gas", creeping the shit out of everyone. This was out on the countryside with no cars anywhere to be seen.
Any other stories you guys have?
My dad saw me about to make some chicken noodle soup. Knowing I wasn't feeling well he offered to make it for me instead. I accepted his offer and sat down on the couch. Once it was done, my dad hands me a bowl of the hot soup and extends a spoon towards me. I look at the spoon but notice as I'm about to grab it, it's one of those strainer spoons, the big ones with the holes in it. I give him a dumbfounded look, and he proceeds to bust out laughing as he takes a normal spoon out from behind his back, hands it to me, and walks back to the kitchen chuckling to himself the whole way. Gotta love that guy.
I use hair conditioner.
We donβt want hot dogs
Sorry. I only have cold pockets.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and a bratwurst. "What do you think is the best thing to put on a hot dog?" he asks the bartender. "Probably cold water, to cool him down," the bartender replies.
It's Koala-tea
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What's the special tonight?" he asks the bartender. "Hot wings! Because everyone loves hot wings," the bartender enthuses. "Seriously, can you name anyone that doesn't love hot wings?" "Icarus," the guy replies.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know, I had an interesting drink the other day at that cafe down the street," he tells the bartender. "It was a tea made by steeping a book in hot water." "How was it?" the bartender asks. "It was okay, but I probably won't have it again," the guy says. "It was just a novelty."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter. "Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot." "Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donβt think itβs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereβs a new type of broom out, itβs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canβt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itβs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnβt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didnβt have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit β‘It's my special tea.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donβt think itβs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereβs a new type of broom out, itβs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canβt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itβs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnβt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit β‘Hot dog guy: Sure. Wonβt be long.
Me: Yikes. In that case, can I have two?
Hot dog guy: Sure. Wonβt be long.
Me: Shit. Can I have two then?
. "Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot." "Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
My boss is a good guy and a good boss, but he always says the same 5 or so jokes (he has two young kids). Anytime he pulls up to a job that we've been working on its "you aren't done yet?" or its "great job, but why are they upside down". Every time someone walks up to a job they get a loud "shhhh, here they come". I can go on and on, he has comedy routines for almost every situation.
So that's what I have to deal with.
Last weekend he took a mini-vacation, and brought me back a bottle of hot sauce (I'm something of a heatseeker) and the bottle was layer with all sorts of sexual innuendo that it'll get you hard and great at sex.
The other day I send him a text message around lunch time that only said "I have to go to the emergency room." Not 30 seconds pass and I get a phone call from him.
Boss: "What happened?"
Me: "Well, this morning I put some of that hot sauce you gave me on my eggs, and I've had an erection lasting more than four hours."
Boss: dryly "Ha. Ha. Haaa."
Meanwhile my coworker is dying of laughter and I'm trying to keep it together.
I've told everyone about this the past couple days.
Beethoven: You guys wanna hear some hot symphonies?
Crowd: Yeeaahhhhh!!!!
Beethoven: I can't hear you!!
So I'm at Costco picking up the hot dog meal I had added to my order at the checkout. The girl at the food court register yells to the guy working in the back, "Hey! Can you make me a hot dog?"
I looked at her dead serious, waved my spirit fingers, and said, "POOF! YOU'RE A HOT DOG!"
.... She didn't get it. Kids these days...
