I saw a homeless guy living in a tyre...So, I punctured it.
Since then, he's living in a flat.
I once took a trip to Seattle on a plane in which the stewards only served candy made when peanut butter meets milk chocolate...
I don't know how far this Reese eating airline goes...
What do you call an Italian homeless man?
I saw a Werewolf behind the bus stop last night....Or a really hairy homeless guy.
Either way, the silver bullets worked.
I have recently been made homeless and have to live in my car...
...Now every room is the living vroom
What do you call a woman that likes to have sex with homeless man?
There will be point in the future when Canada will take over the world.
And then you will all be sorry.
In surgery my doctor said, "So what do we have here?" I replied that I broke my arm in 12 places."
He replied, "Well, stop going to those places then!"
In honor of Mother’s Day, I’d just like to say,
“thank you for your cervix.”
Heard about the homeless horse?
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
I've started a boat building business in my attic...
...sails are going through the roof.
He gave the toy horses a home in his ___
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
Falling in love is dangerous.
I wish Covid-19 had started in Las Vegas.
Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
What’s the difference between in-laws & out-laws?
Why shouldn't you put more than 239 beans in a soup?
Because adding just one more would make it too farty. Straight from my 7 year old daughter.
Edit: Thank you so much for the awards and upvotes. I showed my daughter how many people saw and appreciated her humor and she's extatic. I know she probably didn't come up with the joke herself but this was one of the first times she really got me with a good one and I thought I'd share it with some fellow dads and others.
My socially anxious friend just got a PhD in palindrome studies.
Get that extra pep in your step from this well
The cast of “Friends” got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened.
I am reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is gonna happen, I can feel it.
At least he won't turn over in his grave.
I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
What flavour is the toothpaste in jail?
(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit--
I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit--
Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
A cheese factory had exploded in France
There was nothing left but de Brie.
My boss always laughed at my jokes at work but since the pandemic she never laughs at them in Zoom chats. I asked her why doesn't she laugh at them anymore.
She replied, "Because your jokes aren't remotely funny."
If you’re a pinch hitter for Seattle ...
Does that make you a submariner?
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
Why did Karl Marx write in all lowercase letters?
Because he hated capitalism
What's the highest rank in the popcorn army?
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints
Live savings spent in a second
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️
What do you call a polar bear in the jungle?
Once, when working in a store, a man dressed as a a wizard approached the counter...
He said "Do I get any money off for having this big stick?"
I said "No sir, we don't offer staff discount".
My 6 year old told me this one today. Why do dogs carry bones in their mouths?
Because they don't have pockets.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
I just saw a homeless man get arrested for cloaking himself in a blanket the cops falsely accused him of stealing...
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
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