Home Groan Puns

My wife says "almost there but not quite." "I know," I reply. "So near, so par.

Me - "So is Amanda awake yet? It's noon already"
Dad - "I haven't heard her stir yet."

slight pause

Dad - "Then again I dont think she has anything to mix."

Ah never mind, it’s too cheesy

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

I once knew a man from Greece. Every day he had breakfast in my father's café. And every day he signed the bill: "σε μένα". Whenever we asked what it meant he just shook his head, laughed, and walked out.

After a few years we became good friends, and he invited me to his birthday meal at a fancy restaurant downtown. He wrote down the address and signed it again, "σε μένα", once again laughing on his way out. When I got there I met his family, including his daughter Helen. When it came time to pay the bill he signed it, as usual, "σε μένα"; as he did Helen looked down at his hands, and she let out a groan. I asked her what the problem was but she just shook her head and walked out. The next day the man told me his daughter had taken quite the fancy to me, and he wrote down her phone number. Once again he signed it, "σε μένα", laughing as he handed it to me.

Helen and I began dating and eventually married. And since he paid for the wedding her father saw to it that his motto was everywhere. It was written on the invitations, balloons, napkins, bunting, you name it. Even the cake had the words inscribed on its side, "σε μένα". I had never seen him so happy as he was on that day.

As a wedding present he left us the family home, and handed us the keys to it with a smile on his face as usual. Sure enough those two words were all over, "σε μένα": fridge magnets, post-it notes, plates, bowls, knives, forks, the front gate, the doormat, the postbox, the bird-bath, even the license plate on his old car. When Helen and I had our first son, he gifted us baby clothes with "σε μένα" written on them, still shaking his head and laughing.

On his deathbed, my father-in-law took my hand and thanked me for all I had done for him and his family. Framed on the wall next to him I saw it written again, "σε μένα".

And one last time I asked him what it meant.

And one last time, the man smiled, shrugged, and with his final breath he laughed and said,

"It's Greek to me."

My wife and I were out walking the other day and we were trying to get home pretty quickly to beat the rain.

We were passing through the park and passed a man walking 2 dogs when I said the rain is getting close. My wife then said "yeah I've been seeing a couple of spits" to which I replied:

"Uhh, I think they were a different breed, but I could be wrong"

I heard the most disappointed groan from her, which is music to my ears!

My Dad and I were watching "Iron Man" on his truck's DVD player while he was driving me home. It cuts to a scene where someone was driving an Audi.

Dad: Ooh, that's a nice car.

Me: Meh, I don't like it.

Dad: You don't like the Audi?

Me: Nope.

Dad: Get out.

Me: You want me to get Audi your car?

Dad: ಠ_ಠ

The groan he emitted was magnificent.

Edit: Individuals seem to be upset about him occasionally watching while he was driving. I apologize if this offends anyone. I talked to him, and he says he will make sure to only watch when he is stopped/parked. I will make sure he does so. Thank you for the concern!

Noah let out all the animals. Two by two, they disembarked from the ark.

As Noah breathed a sigh of relief, the two snakes that were on the ark came up.

“Noah, Noah!” they cried. “Can you get us some logs?”

Noah, groaning, complied with the request.

Months pass. Noah is making some food in his home when the two snakes he gave logs return with their kids. A lot of them.

They ask, “Can you get us more logs?”

Noah, clearly pissed, says, “Fine. But why the hell do you need logs to reproduce?”

The dad snake replies, “Oh, we’re adders, we need logs to multiply.”

A couple of nights ago my girlfriend and I spotted a white jackrabbit in the field near our house. We noticed one again tonight on our drive home:

Girlfriend: Hey look, it's the Easter bunny.

Me: Huh, pretty sure that's the same jackrabbit from the other night.

Girlfriend: Can't be a jackrabbit, its ears are way too small.

Me: We're clearly just splitting hares here, babe.

It took a second, but she responded with the desired groan and the "you're an idiot" face push-away. Victory.

A boy was in love with a girl. Madly in love. He told his older brother, who suggested he ask her to the upcoming prom. So, that night, he went to her house with some flowers and chocolates and asked the girl to the prom.

She was overjoyed. She took the flowers and hugged him around the neck. When he went home, his brother told him he had to get ready. Prom was in only a week!

The next day, he traveled to a suit store. He picked out the perfect one. It would go perfectly with his date’s dress. He picked his up and went to check out. Unfortunately, it seems a lot of people were buying suits, as the line nearly went out of the store. He groaned, but anything for his love. After two long hours, he finally got his suit.

A couple days later, his brother suggested that he rent a limo. He and his brother went to rent one that evening. When they arrived, they discovered that there were nearly 50 people waiting to rent a vehicle. They waited for nearly three hours, but they were finally able to rent a limo for the big day.

The afternoon before the dance, he went to buy some flowers for his date. Unfortunately, the store seemed to be having a sale, and the checkout lines extended into the parking lot. He stomped his foot. “Why is it that every time I go to buy something, everyone else wants to buy it too?!” He begrudgingly waited for nearly four hour before walking out with a bouquet of roses.

That night, he rode in the limo to his date’s house. She got in, and they talked the entire trip. He presented her with the flowers, which she adored. Her dress was stunning, and went perfectly with his suit.

They arrived at the school and got out, arms linked. They walked inside, said hi to a couple of friends, and began dancing and enjoying the night.

About halfway through the dance, the boy was parched. He told his girl that he was going to get a drink. He walked over to the snack table and discovered that there was no punch line.

I was visiting my folks, and decided to take em out to dinner when Ma got home. We go for a feed, all is well. I'm standing up at the end of the table, leaning on its edge with me phone out as Ma was organising herself. Da came back from the loo, and asked me what I was doing on me phone.

"Checking me balance." I replied, showing him my bank app. I had just been paid and was moving money around to savings and such, after paying for dinner by phone NFC.

Without warning he gives me a good hip n shoulder, not hard enough to send me flying but enough to shift me a bit.

"Ya balance looks shit, boy."

He smirks at me as Ma groans audibly. Cheeky old bugger.

This is why he's going in a crooked retirement home you always see on the News.

I get back home from a month out field on ex in the Army and I take a shower with my missus. I then look at my face in the mirror after.

"I reckon I still have cam cream in and behind my ears" I say.

"I can't see any of it" says my wife.

"Of course you can't see it mate, it's cam cream" says I.

wife groans

One morning while sitting down for breakfast, my Dad looks up, points at my waist and exclaims, "What are those two things coming out of your butt?!" My 6 yr. old self wheels around like a dog chasing it's tail looking for said objects. nothing. I ask what they were and he says he's not sure, but that I will be fine. After school he get's home from work. Me: "Dad, do you those things coming out of my butt still?" Dad: "Yup" Repeat action and conversation from the morning again. And repeat again then next day, and the next ... 7 days in total I'm getting pissed my Dad see's them all the time but my Mom and older Sister don't. I surely don't see two things coming out of my butt. I'm starting to freak out and cry. Why can I not see these two things coming out of my butt, I'm sobbing, blubbering gibberish and spittle running down my chin to my shirt. I'm gasping for air and crying and just about to blow a gasket (I'm 6 mind you ...) my mom finally had enough, "Dammit Craig ... TELL HIM NOW!!" I get all calmed down and start getting excited, I'm going to find out! he sits me down and tells me this ... "I have told you all week that you had two things coming out of your butt?" That's why I'm losing my shit, Dad "Well, I was talking about your legs. You're legs come out of your butt and you have two of them." all the while looking me straight in the eyes, he starts a famously wonderful shit-grin. Mom loses it again, throws her arms up in utter frustration/disappointment/disbelief. Sister virtually pissing herself in laughter. My dad gets up, smiling that smile, he walks away with a pat on the head. "Pay better attention next time."

groan.

TLDR: I was 6, told I have 2 things coming out of my butt for a week. finally told that they where my legs. facepalm and groaner.

edit: - waiting for the right moment to pull this one on my 5 and 7 yr old ...

Play on words: Sexually frustrated sea mammals

     I'm Russ Whale. My wife Bayleen a few months ago gave birth to our first calf, Humphrey. I convinced my mother-in-law to whale watch tonight. It's been far too long. I drop off Humphrey and head home to hook up with the wife. 

I arrive and who do I sealion there? The wife. I'm undeterred. I try my patented move, the Humpback. I get a slight groan.

Bayleen: Rus, Are you poking me in the back again?

Rus: It's on porpoise. We're alone for the first time in forever.

Bayleen: I'm so tired, I haven't got any sleep with Humphrey making me into a nurse shark. Plus you smell like ambergris.

Rus: Hamburgers?

Bayleen: Yes, hamburgers. Please go take a shower or something.

Rus: Ok.

Rus takes a quick shower and returns. Bayleen is asleep again. Rus tries the humpback maneuver again. Nothing.

Rus: Sometimes... I wish I was a sperm whale.

Rus is slightly blubbering and and all you can make outs is odd noises and maybe the word 'blowhole'. Rus cries himself to sleep.

Fin.

So my daughter is in a group that lets one kid take home a stuffed owl for a week, and write in a book about what activities they did with the owl, and return it for the next kid to take home.

This past week was her turn, and it’s due to go back tomorrow evening. So tonight while getting ready for bed I casually remind my wife that tomorrow was the deadline and to remember to write in the journal.

I say “I wrote it on the white board so that we all have a chance to remember”

She replies “You may have to text me from work “remember the owl””

So I go to the next room and text right then and there: “Remember the Owl-amo!”

I could hear an audible groan

Dealing with home services and customers, need to check ID. Routine ID check and I though the customer's name was Irene so I say "Ok Irene, let's get into your account here..."

Icene: "It's Icene"
Me: "Oh wow, really? double checks ID Wow! That's wicked, I've never heard that name before that's really interesting!"
pause
Me: "Well... I guess, now Icene it."

Icene groans, and my coworker and his customer start laughing, and I couldn't help but smile :D

When i got home my daughter was peeling eggs for dinner. I stood next to her staring at the egg being shelled intently.
"Having fun?" "Oh yes, this is very a-peeling." I got groans all around

One day my dad & I were driving home from fishing and a Neil Diamond song was on the radio. My dad said, "This is actually an impersonator called Neil Sapphire." I immediately responded, "Don't you mean Neil Cubic Zirconia?" His groan was priceless to me back then, and I'm waiting for the day my son will do that to me.

(true story from ~30 years ago)

Any time my son groans or sighs, I consider it a win. When I came home from work today, he asked if I had an email from Club Nintendo, as he was waiting for a redemption code. I did and I printed it for him.

I handed it to him and showed him the Wii U code was on one page, and the 3DS code was on the other.

He looked at it and said, "That's odd"

I replied "No, it's even. There are two pages."

-pause-

Son sighs. Loudly.

I'm moving out of my dorm room this morning to go home for the summer, and my dad is up to give me a hand. There's an elevator that we're taking so I don't have to take my cart down the stairs, and we're packed in with five or six other people. One of them looks at the wall of the elevator and notices that somebody has written "Hannah" on it, and says "What was Hannah doing in here?"

Me: "Writing on the wall, from the looks of things."

Other person: "Well, can't argue with that."

My dad: "So you're saying you can see the Hannah writing on the wall?"

All: groan

I had just left a client's office that about 2 hours from my home. My wife calls me and asks about the driving conditions (it's snowing lightly here) and also tells me that she is headed back to her hair dresser. Apparently the hair dresser missed a section last week when my wife got her regular dye job and needs to be touched up. The conversation ended this way: Mrs BMQ: "Drive safe Honey" Me: "Thank you Dear. Die safe"
Mrs BMQ: "huh? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!?!" thinking I had just told her to go kill herself ---- Safely ---- Me: "Dye Safe - don't get any in your eyes!" Mrs BMQ: "oooohhhhh" groan

While on a 6.5hr drive back home from a friend's wedding, I slowly allowed the car to drift onto the rumble strips for a second, BRRrrrRRRAPPPP, then announced to my GF "Oh gross! Was that you!? It smells awful!" After she realized what had happened, I received a glorious groan, and just when I thought it couldn't get any better she then told me "You know, it's like you're some dorky dad driving a mini-van." It is by far the greatest compliment one of my dad jokes have ever received.

I couldn't help but laugh, as I first learned this joke from my dad, who, on long road trips would do the same and accuse my mother of farting.

A few years back my mom was having some kind of stomoach problem, my dad took her to the doctor where she drank some kind of radioactive dye for some kind of diagnosis. My dad comes into their home-office where I am fixing their computer. "Hey Jake, C'mere" he says. He's holding a Geiger counter he has from who knows where. My mom is laying in her bed and he gets it closer and closer to her stomach and it goes off, flashing red! I am dying, laughing so hard then he says "Looks like we've got one hot mama" My mom just rolls her eyes and groans. One of the most hilarious things I have ever seen in my life.

My wife and I were coming home from the grocery store when we passed a funeral procession coming from the opposite direction. The hearse was just hit by another car at the intersection, to which I said, "Boy, talk about DOA!"

Groans were had and I'll be resuming my shuttling duties shortly, ferrying souls to hell with me.

Though usually dad jokes are groan-worthy puns, I think this fits the category as a very dad-like joke despite the lack of punnery:

I got a message from my truck driver brother-in-law, who says he's hauling "post holes and sailboat fuel" back home today.

I work in a funeral home. Today I was having a conversation with my friend and the call failed. I called him back.

"Yea it said call failed, where are you that you have such bad signal?"

"Are you kidding? I'm home- I have great signal! You're the one with the poor reception! Where are you?"

"The funeral home."

"Exactly! That place is a DEAD zone."

groan

Needed information: My family and I are pretty big Chicago Blackhawks fans. There is a player on the Blackhawks with the name Patrick Sharp.

Story:

For Christmas I got a bunch of Blackhawk themed shirts ranging from t-shirts to long sleeved t-shirts that look like actual jerseys themselves. I got a decent amount of them from my girlfriend's family, so my family didn't see them right away as I opened them at their house. When I got home, I was very excited show them to my family.

So when I grab the long sleeved t-shirt jersey to show to my mom and she says, "Wow that is Sharp!".

I respond back with a grin on my face with a quick "No, there isn't a name on the back of it at all."

It clicked after a few seconds, but I got a groan and a "You knew what I meant..."

So I’ve just gotten home from a run last night. My mum reminds me to wash my hair, and my brother quips in by saying; ‘Don’t forget to put some shit in your hair’ (toilet humour is the norm in my house).

After showering, I come back downstairs and find my brother. ‘Hey Rob (that’s his name), I remembered to put some shit in my hair … but I think it was fake.’ I say. He gives me a funny look. ‘I think it was sham-poo’.

My dad who is sitting nearby groans. My mum gives me a slow clap. I feel really proud.

That feel when pun is life.

We were driving by Home Depot.

Dad: This is the new anti-drug headquarters. Family: What? Dad: It's Home De-pot! Mom&Brother: [groan] Me: XD

I got home from work, and my lovely wife has just finished making supper. I noticed there was a pasta like side dish. She stated that I might not like it because it was Alfredo. I said, "I was Alfredo that!" Badum tssss! The groan told me it was my best work yet!

A few days ago, I was headed home after dinner with my parents and I was sitting shotgun while my dad was driving. We are coming up to a yellow light at Dublin St. and my dad slams on the breaks to avoid running a red light. I go "Dad you should have floored it, we almost made it through Ireland." I got a fist bump from my ol' man and groan from my mother. Mission accomplished.

While driving 11 kids and one adult home from a weekend trip, I had this gem.

One of kids pointed out a trampoline sales place, so the (only) obvious response was:

Yea, their sales are up and down.

I got a collective groan from everybody, and it was grand.

They are home groan.

Home Groan.

They're home groan

She came home and told me about her day.

Her: "I have three math teachers."

Me: "That's weird. What happens if you take away two?"

I laughed. The wife laughed. My daughter rolled her eyes and groaned. Mission accomplished.

Home groan

True story. My wife feeds a number of squirrels on our patio in back of our house. Has done this for years.

Coming home from the grocery store today, this was our conversation.

Her: The other day I saw an owl land in a tree near the back of our house. So I made noises to make the squirrels run and hide.

Me: Well, I'm sure the owl is just looking for three squirrel meals a day.

Her: GROAN...! I can't believe I set you up like that!

My parents got me a vacuum for Christmas. I got it out of the box today and tried it out while they were getting groceries.

My dad comes home and sees the vacuum sitting out and asked if it worked alright.

"It really sucks!"

He looked worried for a second and I just started laughing. He finally caught on and he let out a groan.

One of the oldest ones in the book, but I was proud of it.

So, last weekend I was on a two days village fair in our neighbourhood with the guys. On saturday, one of them complained about his feet still aching from wearing his new engineer boots the whole friday night AND how he even broke his boot jack at home while taking them off. Took the advantage and said: "Well, you seem to have some trouble with those shoes. Maybe we should send you to a boot camp." Groan

I'm a stay at home father and my wife often comes home at around dinner time so I've taken up cooking. The last few nights I've really nailed a few new dishes and brought up my streak to my wife and she agreed I was doing well lately. That led to a dad joke forming in my head. I say to my wife:

"You should just start calling me butter."

She says, "Oooookaaay... why is that?"

"'Cause I'm on a dinner roll."

She actually groaned.

My family came back home from eating chinese and then my dad got back home from work a couple of hours later. That's when my mom says "We went to eat chinese, but I didn't really eat right. I wasn't really having the feeling for it at the time. I only ate a few plates" that's when my dad drops "That's why you couldn't eat right. You're supposed to eat the food, not the plates!"

My groan was heard past Andromeda and will be talked about for generations to come.

My lady isn't feeling well and is home sick today. Heading home for lunch with her...

Me: "Do you want m to pick you up anything?"

Her: "Pho, but not until dinner"

Me: "Not pho lunch?"

Her: Groans

I woke up this morning and went to go grab some breakfast, and I found my dad was home, rather than at work. When I asked him why he was home, he simply said "I called in sick... I had a problem with my eyes. I couldn't see myself going to work today."

He started laughing and I just groaned.

While driving back home, my sister says that she "saw a family of deer coming back from work." To which I replied with "Oh, where do they work?". Got a solid guffaw and a groan.

About to leave to look at a home when my mom calls my dad:

Dad: Yeah, I am going out with Fuzzo999 to look at a house.

Mom: Get out of town! No way!!

Dad: Actually the house is located in town.

Dad and I laughed, wife groaned.

He called to brag about some home gown jokes they just thought up.

I asked if these were home 'grown' or 'groan'

I'm home for a visit this weekend and in his usual fashion, my dad just randomly pipes up to make a joke. This time around it was a belated Halloween joke.

Dad: "Oh little Johnny, what a good pirate costume. where are your little buccaneers?" Dad, answering his own joke: "Under my buccin' hat."

I just dropped my head and groaned. His job done, the old man left the room with a chuckle.