As a child, my mother told me "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
She was a devoted wife, and a loving mother; but a terrible surgeon.
What do you call a guy who once he starts he just keeps going on his way forever?
A guy goes to the doc to get stitches in his leg. Way too nervous though, he calls off the procedure.
Frustrated, the doctor says, “fine, suture self!”
Chris Rock couldn't figure out why Will Smith was on stage walking his way....
Did you hear about the great Emporer who surveyed his lands and liked the way they were being managed?
He came, he saw, he concurred.
This thief and his accomplice were escaping from a robbery. Unfortunately for the passenger thief, his door was not closed all the way, and he fell out.
I guess you could say that spot was where the robber meets the road.
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...he’s really a big lyre.
What did 50 Cent do when his car broke down on the way to the recording studio?
He took the Busta Rhymes.
His car was rammed all the way to the bottom of the parking garage.
He was wronged on so many levels.
The suspect tried to bluff his way out of the charges...
... but he spoke with a bit too much conviction.
A man hears clunking behind him and turns around to see a coffin coming his way,
(props to my grandpa for this one)
the man is terrified for his life because in his town, coffins were the #1 cause of death. So he starts running and he hears a clunk clunk clunk behind him, so he runs to his house to try to find shelter. The coffin breaks down the door and stars running after him. The man runs into the bathroom where he's cornered by the coffin, so he did the only thing he could think of.
He reached into the medicine cabinet and threw a bottle at it, and it stopped coffin.
What did the slice of bread say to his buddy on the way down a volcano
Rudolph the Red, a Viking clansman, once told his wife there’s a fierce rainstorm headed their way.
“But how do you know, Rudy?”
“Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
So, I stop by my buddy’s house on my way home from work. His wife’s been doing some redecorating.
I sat down in this bright green chair and out of nowhere, my voice changed. I started talking funny. My buddy says “ Oh yeah, that there is the new accent chair.”
Why did the lion get his hair cut on his way to the Chinese restaurant?
Because he wanted a Lo Mein
My wife always says the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…
Lovely woman.
Useless surgeon.
I was meeting up with a friend who was upset and told me on the way there he ended up hitting three sparrows with his car.
I told him it was a good thing it wasn't crows because that would be a murder.
A Chinese stand up comedian was half way his set when all the lights went out. He told the crowd to put all their hands in the air and wave. As by a miracle the lights came back on. ...
...'' You see? Many hands make light work.''
Way too much time on his hands
What do you call a guy whose car breaks down on his way to meeting his lover?
An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.
He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said “Why were you out all night?” He said “How did you find out?”
She said “The bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.
What did Joe say to Donald on his way out the door?
On the way to work I saw a man walking his dogs...
At first he took one step and then stopped. Then he took three steps and then stopped. He kept increasing his steps this way along the sidewalk when I thought to myself, “That’s an odd way of walking.”
What did the 46th president say while taking the White House keys from the 45th on his way out?
I was just reading this story about a guy who went through several tough breaks in life and couldn’t get ahead. One day he just stopped talking and his only way of communicating was through hand and body motion.......
Poor guy turned to a life of mime.
My friend announced that he parkoured his way to the top of a pub, but nobody cared.
After all, it was a low bar to climb.
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
What does Putin say when something doesn’t go his way?
Did you know Bruce Banner disposes 95% of his waste in an environmentally friendly way?
What did the momma buffalo say to her baby buffalo on his way to school.
If it's dark outside, how does a cowboy find his way?
Dewey's doctor has been keeping track of all of his moles. The location and size of them. He's so thorough that he measures them all the way down to tenths.
He called it the Dewey deci-mole system..
My dear old grandmother always used to say the way to a man's heart was through his stomach,
which is why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon.
Michael J Fox hacked his way into my old iPhone
He’s looking for The Secret of my 6S
Why did the job applicant kick the door on his way into the interview?
So he could try to get a foot in the door
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
A blind man asked a doctor if there was a way to cure his blindness
The doctor said eat plenty of sea salt.
This jerk in an expensive vehicle cut me off and expected me to get out of his way.
Ambulances, I can't stand them.
My mother always said the way to a man's heart was through his stomach.
Great woman, terrible surgeon.
Chris Rock couldn’t figure out why Will Smith was on stage walking his way…
Chris Rock couldn't figure out why Will Smith was on stage walking his way....
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...he’s really a big lyre.
If it's dark outside, how does a cowboy find his way?
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