I Just Reddit.
Did you know, when I was your age... I was six.
So for background, I work at McDonald's. I have to scan every Euro Bill 50 € and up.
So one day a dad comes in with his two little daughters. He places his order and hands me a 50 € bill. I scan it and scan it again and the machine won't recognize its validity, when the dad says:'That's odd, I JUST changed my printer's toner' Daughters facepalm other dads in line nod
How did the duck fail to rob a bank? It couldn't quack the safe!
Dad: I have a coworker who is addicted to drinking brake fluid.
Me: Really?
Dad: Yeah, he says he can stop anytime.
I failed to read the womb
Me: something shitty that happened
Dad: “well, if it makes you feel any better...”
Me: “thanks, Dad”
Mom: “but he didn’t say anything!”
My dad and i was driving around and out of nowhere he says "did you know gay people sometimes get a warm feeling in their ass when they drive". I just look at him confused and carry on driving. Fast forward a few minutes i feel my ass getting warm. I look at my dad and he has the stupidest grin on his face. he had turned on the seat warmer.
Two prawns, Justin and Christian, were constantly harassed by sharks.
Finally Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't worry about being eaten by one."
A large, mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his former friend.
Time passed, Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old pals simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and Justin begged to be changed back to a prawn. And he was!
What a miraculous thing!
With tears of joy in his tiny little prawn-eyes, Justin swam back to his friends. But looking around the reef couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught at his best friend changing sides to the enemy and becoming a shark," came the reply.
Eager to put things right, Justin set off to Christian's abode. Opening its coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, "Christian! It's me, Justin, your old friend! Come out, and see me again!
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back, "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed...
"I've found Cod! I'm a prawn again Christian!"
We were at a grocery store when I was around 16. He bought some groceries and let me pick out a couple of gaming magazines. We got to the register and here is the quick exchange.
Cashier, "Good afternoon! How are you today?"
Dad, "Very good and yourself?"
Cashier, "Good thank you. Are you guys together?"
Dad, "That's disgusting. He's my son!"
The cashier literally looked in horror at my dad. Although it definitely was groan worthy, the reaction made us both laugh. I'll definitely be using this when I have kids.
"Hey, Honey, you better buy that clock we were talking about. We're...running out of time."
We were on a road trip to the cottage and we stopped at a service center to get gas, food etc.
My brother and I go to the washroom urinals and we are both taking a piss. My dad walks in the washroom and says "Oh, so this is where the dicks hang out."
I Didn't understand the pun then but I appreciate how funny it is now that I'm older.
http://imgur.com/ptssPBG
Corduroy pillows!! They're making HEADlines!!
Me: I'm about to jump in the shower real quick. Dad: [insert grinning dad pause here] Don't jump in the shower, you'll slip.
In regards to Toronto Mayor Rob Ford and the cocaine and drunken stupor scandal...
My dad: "Rob's Ford should be recalled"
slow clap
Edit: spelling
A family of 3 moles were walking around in a tunnel. The tunnel was dark causing the dad to run into a wall. Then the mom ran into the dad and the baby mole ran into the mom. The dad sniffs the air and says "I smell pancakes." Then the mom says, "I smell syrup" then the baby says "I smell molasses"
My mom sighed and my dad was in tears from laughing so hard.
My brother: There's popsicles in the freezer, by the way. Me: Cool. Him: Yeah, they ARE pretty cool. Y'know, since they're in the freezer.
