He was just average.
They already know all of the trick questions.
She was always going off on tangents.
I always had his class right after lunch and would often be a little late because of traffic and whatever. Every time someone was late a second time he would say. " that's your second tardy; you know what that makes you?" "Retardy" his delivery was always with a straight face and then he would laugh.
Teacher speaking to the class...
What do you guys think were the 3 most used words in the 60's?
silence from class
Cool.
Groovy.
and Ear.
Class responds "Ear?!"
Teacher takes a long hit from invisible joint and pretends to pass it to the student in front of him.
while holding his hit "Ear."
This was one of her favorite jokes she loved to tell: One day, a man was walking home after a long day at work. As he waited for a crosswalk signal, he glanced back and noticed a coffin standing down the block. "Odd," he thought, but he ignored it and continued home. He turned the corner and managed to catch a glimpse of the coffin again. This time is was closer to him... like it was following him. He picked up his pace and ran into his apartment complex. The coffin was right behind him. In a fright, he dashed up the stairs to his place, locked the door and barricaded himself in the bathroom. Thud, thud, thud! The coffin was banging on the bathroom door. The man frantically looked for something to defend himself. Just as the coffin busted through the door, the man grabbed some cough syrup from the medicine cabinet, threw it at the coffin ... and the coffin stopped.
Mr. Z brought out the blue plastic examples of shapes (pyramids, cubes, rectangular prisms, etc.) and he when he brought out the sphere, he accidentally dropped it:
Me: Wow, I guess you really dropped the ball on that one.
Cue moans. The teacher was the only one that laughed. I was proud.
Edit: grammar
He was the cool guy teacher, so all the guys were always all buddy buddy with him. We would generally speak to him in a less professional manner. One day I said "hey teacher, I'm gonna go take a piss." To which he promptly responded, "You might want to leave one instead."
I went to visit my old high school with some friends while on i'm break from college. We were talking to one of our teachers and music came up. I go, "i play bass, ukulele, and little guitar." the teacher goes "a ukulele IS a little guitar." face-palming ensued
I had Mr. B for a media class in which we worked on computers. We were working in Photoshop and text design specifically. Well, as everyone knows, you can alter the orientation of text. I was young and dumb, I said aloud that my text was 'bi-curious.' Mr. B came up to me and said
"Do you mean you're bi-textual?"
He quickly apologized.
Someone sneezes
Someone else: Bless you!
Teacher: That's where I went to college. Bless University.
So, every single year my band teacher would dress up as some hilarious pun for Halloween. This year, he came into school starring at a piece of paper that said "175 lbs" on it.
He was watching his weight.
Student: "Sir, someone nutted on the floor!"
Me: *Begins to get angry* *Turns around... there's a hex nut on the floor*
Me: "Well played."
by Mrs. Henderson, my high school English teacher and a first-rate whore.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡So we're in year 12 of high school and we all get jerseys, including our year advisor teachers who've let us, the students, decide their jersey name. Usually the jersey name is a witty pun or joke which uses the wearer's name.
One of the teachers has a last name which sounds exactly like 'jenga' (that's not her name is really spelt, but it's to protect her identity), so I'll be need your help to get some good puns.
If you guys can't think of any, the other teachers last name is Daher (pronounced "darr"), so suggestions for her name would be nice too. Thanks!
I am a teacher, I teach history first semester and economics second semester.
One student was upset about having so many graphs to understand and learn how to use.
St: I'm ok with memorizing everything about history, I'm ok figuring out how wars started and ended, but graphs...
Me: graphs is where you draw the line huh?
A five on the sighsmograph. Beautiful!
Edit: spelling
"How long is this test?"
"About 11 inches"
Edit: Didn't think it'd be too big of a deal but I put "AP" just from habit, didn't think about it much. For those that don't know, "AP" means "Advanced Placement".
Teacher: “What will next week’s test be on?”
Class: “Confidence intervals and….”
Teacher: “No, it’ll be on paper.”
Class: “Ugh…”
Teacher: “And how long will it be?”
Class: “Umm, like, ten questions?”
Teacher: “No, 8.5 by 11 inches.”
Class: “Goddamnit.”
As a kid I loved to get the sunday comics from the paper and read Calvin and Hobbes. I loved it so much my parents would get me the compilation books as gifts for birthdays and christmas. I always thought it was funny when Calvin would ask his dad how "x" works. One day my son when he was about 6 years old asked my why some TV shows were in black and white. Inspired by this calvin and hobbes comic where Calvin's dad explains why photos are black and white. http://picayune.uclick.com/comics/ch/1993/ch930919.gif
I decided to do the same thing to my kid. I told him that the world was black and white back then and that things didn't start to become in color for decades later. I got a good chuckle out of it, but because he was so young, I didn't realize that he actually believed it. I soon forgot that I told him the world was black and white. When he was about 11 or 12, one day I got a call from my wife and she asked me, "Did you tell your son that the world used to be black and white?" I start laughing immediately and said yes! How did you know? She said because your son is writing an essay about how the world used to be black and white for school and he asked me what year the world became color. He believed that for like 6 years!
This actually happened, probably close to 20 years ago now. In my high school chemistry class, the teacher asked if anyone knew what nitrates were.
It was a once in a lifetime opportunity.
"I don't know," I replied, "but I bet they are better than day rates."
My sister is a teacher at a private high school for kids with learning and behavior difficulties. She just texted me for help with a funny slogan about spreading cheer and kicking ass.
Basically, each student "adopted" a teacher and they're going to do some sort of obstacle course. They're Santa's helpers, and have hats, shirts, and swords. She just came up with this idea at the last minute and would like help thinking of a punny tagline.
Any ideas?
My fellow high school teachers and I are joining a kickball league and we need help with a good pun themed team name. Any help is appreciated! Thanks!
In my high school Econ we were talking about the 70s
Teacher: In the seventies there was high unemployment accompanied by high inflation. Does anyone know what this period is called?
Me: Economics
Teacher: sigh
My cousin's girlfriend (CGF) is a primary school teacher and last night we were discussing her class size and the subjects she teaches.
Me: "How big are the classes you teach"
CGF: "ive got 28 in english and maths, 30 in science and 28 in topics"
Me: "What on earth is topics?"
CGF: "oh its stuff like history, R.S, Art, Geography and all that stuff"
Me (With the biggest grin on my face holding back laughter): "OH, THE HUMANITIES"
my girlfreind and CGF groan, me and cousin laugh and high five.
Sidenote. My couisn is one of the biggest dad jokers ive ever met, so he really apreciated the terrible joke.
We were eating dinner and my brother was talking about an old high school teacher of his: "she called it herstory instead of history because she thought that the important parts of the past were about women instead of men."
Lightbulb.jpg
"So wait, does that mean she calls it a HERsterectomy instead of a HISterectomy?"
A beat goes by.
My dad broke the silence with "Ginganinja888, where did you get that from?"
Proudly grinning, I say, "I just came up with it."
Dad: "Oh God, even worse."
Unrelated notes
Calling it herstory is dumb because history actually stems from Greek and is in fact not a conspiracy to place men at the center of all important events.
I know I spelled hysterectomy wrong, it was to highlight the joke.
My dad and I were talking about the civil war and the use of slaves and the freedom movement and the such a while ago, (he's a history teacher at the local high school). "Dancing Queen" came on the radio and he leaned over and said, "do you know what people who like this band should be called? Abba-listen-ists" and laughed by himself for a solid minute.
Please help
A high school science teacher in California was teaching his kids about the three states: solid, liquid, gas.
After he is finished, he lifted up his tea and said, "What state is this in?"
One student raises her hand and says, "Liquid!"
Which the teacher replies, "No, silly. It's in California!"
Edit: I'm not dad! I'm potatoe.
It was summer in Australia, and I was still in high school. One of the students asked our middle aged, male math teacher to turn on the air conditioner, as it was a stinker that day.
He responded by going over to the air conditioner and saying "oh yeah baby, do you like that?"
Back in high school a friend and I had a history class together, and the teacher was giving a difficult verbal quiz about Europe in the 1600's. His turn was coming up.
Friend: leans over to me and whispers "Hey, what was the 30 Years War about?"
Me: whispers back "Uhhh... I think it was about 30 years."
Friend: glare
A friend of mine had a teacher in high school that, like many others, would write notes on the overhead or the whiteboard and, like many others, would end up standing in in the way of the text sooner or later.
If a student would ask "Mr. ____, can you move?" implying that they need him to move out of the way of their view of the text, he'd reply "Yes, I can!" and jump up and down in place, flailing his arms.
One day in high school my english teacher was out sick. Towards the end of the period, the sub thought hangman would be fun to play. Sub "after Emily is done, you can have free time" Me "looks like Emily had the last word"
Silence
I work in IT for a school district. I was responding to a work order for a teacher at a Jr. High and he had a class in session so I stood quietly in the back until he had a free moment.
Teacher was explaining the objective for the day: "2-1 (two one is blah blah blah), and 2-2 (two two is blah blah blah)
Student: heh you said tutu
Teacher: tutu, yeah I like the ballet. (He makes a curtsy and it was funny because he is a larger guy). I was so hungry once I ate the tutu and it hurt my ballet (as he pats his tummy).
It took a second and the class burst out in laughter.
This was from high school before I became a dad, but I think it still qualifies.
My history teacher was lecturing on the Paris Conference following World War I. Specifically, he was discussing each of the world leaders in attendance and each of their aims for the treaty that would result from the conference.
He was going down the line of leaders and asking the class what each leader wanted in the treaty. For example, "Britain was represented by Prime Minister David Lloyd George. What did Mr. George want in the treaty?"
He got through Britain, France, and Italy, then he came to the United States, represented by President Woodrow Wilson.
He asked, "What did Mr. Wilson want?" I responded, "Dennis out of his life once and for all?"
He and I were the only people who laughed.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit ➡Girl in class: This is stupid
Teacher: that was mean
Girl: I'm very blunt
Teacher: well you're not very sharp
A high school teacher
