Little Johnny has diarrhoea and asks his mom, "Hey mom, do you have Viagra?" The mom goes, "What? What on Earth do you need that for?" "Well, isn't that what you give dad when his shit doesn't get hard?"
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 23 2021
βHey, how much wood have you chopped so far?β
βNot sure. Let me check the logs.β
π︎ 113
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
Dude 1: βHey bro?β Dude 2: βYeah bro?β Dude 1: βCan you hand me that pamphlet?β
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Sep 25 2020
Hey girl!! Are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you everyday.
π︎ 190
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
hey did you hear about the new shovel?
you: no
me: what, it's groundbreaking!
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jan 22 2021
Hey Dad, you wanna come to Yoga class with me?
Dad: Namaste home instead
π︎ 72
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
Hey! Did you see that snail-shaped car with the letter S painted on it drive by?
Just look at that escargo.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 05 2021
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping?
Don't worry, he's awake now.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jan 21 2021
I was driving absentmindedly and my wife suddenly said, βHey, you missed a right!β
I said, βThanks babe. You Mrs. Right!β
π︎ 101
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
Hey, did you hear about the 2 blind Cyclopos?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
Dad, hey can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?
π︎ 580
π
︎ Oct 31 2020
Called my local restaurant for reservation. Hey are you guys open for reservations? They replied four to nine today
Looks like they are too busy today
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
My 10 year old son said, βHey Dad, do you know why I want to shoot a hog?β
βSo we can have hamburgers!β
He was serious but it still cracked me up.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 02 2021
I got dad joked by my 3 year old daughter at dinner today: "Hey do you have a bun?" I asked her.
"NO I WANT A WHOLE BUN"
She's well on her way to being the dad I never had
π︎ 12
π
︎ Nov 19 2020
My 8-year old ran past me and I shouted to her: "Hey, you lost something!"
She stops and ask "What?"
- "Your speed!"
She glares at me and says: "Dad, you lost something!"
- "What?"
- "Your hair!"
Oof.
True story.
π︎ 297
π
︎ Sep 21 2020
My neighbour asked me βHey, how much wood did you chop today?β
I said, βNot sure. Let me check the logs.β
π︎ 197
π
︎ Sep 26 2020
Friend - Hey man could you call for some flowers for me from online?
Me - Yeah sure bro I will cauliflowers.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 18 2020
Hey... Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage!
π︎ 56
π
︎ Oct 08 2020
Hey did you hear about the new kind of Italian rap music?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 20 2020
Hey, did you get a haircut?
π︎ 21
π
︎ Oct 17 2020
I made up a joke so get ready to hate on me. Trump (I know it's topical).... Trump was nervous during the election and was asked "hey, do you want some spiced tea"?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 03 2020
βHey, how come I can see right through you?β
βMy son came out as Transgender today, so that makes me Transparent.β
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 14 2020
"Hey son, would you like to watch the airplane take off?"
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 22 2020
Hey kids, do you know why did the banana go to the hospital?
He was peeling really bad! Hahaha!!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 13 2020
Hey baby do you have the Corona virus?
Because I canβt stop looking achoo
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 23 2020
βHey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?β
"No son, have you seen my dadglasses?"
π︎ 449
π
︎ Jun 26 2020
I finally started to learn how to use a computer. My son said; "Hey Dad, you're getting betah".
And I said: "Betah? But I thought I was 1.0!"
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 05 2020
"Hey Superman, are you a part of a gang?"
"Several, actually, depending on the day. I'm a kryptonight."
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 09 2020
Son: Hey dad, you wanna play Among Us?
Dad: Sure, but what are we playing?
π︎ 14
π
︎ Sep 13 2020
hey did you hear about the guy who cut off the left half of his body??
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
A weasel walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, I haven't seen your kind here before! What'll you have?"
π︎ 10
π
︎ Sep 15 2020
Dad: "Hey, do you know where I can get a vocal ensemble?"
Music Director: "Don't you mean a choir?"
Dad: "Ok, How do I acquire a vocal ensemble?"
π︎ 15
π
︎ Sep 05 2020
Hey dad, how do you feel?
I feel with my hands.
That was my dadβs go to, directly followed by: dad: can I make you a sandwich
Me: sure
Dad: (does magic hands) poof youβre a sandwich
Itβs almost 3 years since he died. I miss his joke every damn day.
π︎ 153
π
︎ Apr 30 2020
Hey girl are you HTTP?
Because you're really insecure
π︎ 192
π
︎ Apr 18 2020
Hey! Don't you dare steal...
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 06 2020
Business partner 1:Hey have you signed yet?
Business partner 2: Yes in deed
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
I asked the chef for butter for my naan and he gave me regular old butter. I went back and said, "hey, I may not look Indian, but I really wanted ghee." He told me rather rudely, "Well, next time you should clarify that."
I told him, "well, this time, you should."
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jul 10 2020
"Hey!! How long have you been chopping wood for?"
"Not sure, let me check my logs."
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
"Hey bro, can you pass me the pamphlet?"
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 26 2020
"Hey Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
π︎ 10
π
︎ Nov 02 2020
Hey Dad did you get a haircut?
No son, I got them all cut
π︎ 36
π
︎ Aug 24 2020
We were driving yesterday, and suddenly my wife turned to me and said, βHey, you missed a rightβ.
I said, βThanks babe. You MRS. right.β
π︎ 31
π
︎ Sep 22 2020
Hey dad can I ask you a question?
π︎ 12
π
︎ Sep 13 2020
[Driving] My wife: Hey, you missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Sep 26 2019
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