Little Johnny has diarrhoea and asks his mom, "Hey mom, do you have Viagra?" The mom goes, "What? What on Earth do you need that for?" "Well, isn't that what you give dad when his shit doesn't get hard?"
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/M_Arslan_Tahir
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
β€œHey, how much wood have you chopped so far?”

β€œNot sure. Let me check the logs.”

πŸ‘︎ 113
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Dude 1: β€œHey bro?” Dude 2: β€œYeah bro?” Dude 1: β€œCan you hand me that pamphlet?”

Dude 2: β€œBrochure”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/reditrewrite
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey girl!! Are you a newspaper?

Because there's a new issue with you everyday.

πŸ‘︎ 190
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
hey did you hear about the new shovel?

you: no

me: what, it's groundbreaking!

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wowzers_is_cool
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Hey Dad, you wanna come to Yoga class with me?

Dad: Namaste home instead

πŸ‘︎ 72
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jakevh28
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey! Did you see that snail-shaped car with the letter S painted on it drive by?

Just look at that escargo.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jollyflyingcactus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"

"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.

"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping?

Don't worry, he's awake now.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chihiro_yoru
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
I was driving absentmindedly and my wife suddenly said, β€œHey, you missed a right!”

I said, β€œThanks babe. You Mrs. Right!”

πŸ‘︎ 101
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey, did you hear about the 2 blind Cyclopos?

Neither have eye.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Dad, hey can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?

No son

πŸ‘︎ 580
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Called my local restaurant for reservation. Hey are you guys open for reservations? They replied four to nine today

Looks like they are too busy today

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/randombot777
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
My 10 year old son said, β€œHey Dad, do you know why I want to shoot a hog?”

β€œSo we can have hamburgers!”

He was serious but it still cracked me up.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jch308
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I got dad joked by my 3 year old daughter at dinner today: "Hey do you have a bun?" I asked her.

"NO I WANT A WHOLE BUN"

She's well on her way to being the dad I never had

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hicd
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My 8-year old ran past me and I shouted to her: "Hey, you lost something!"

She stops and ask "What?"

- "Your speed!"

She glares at me and says: "Dad, you lost something!"

- "What?"

- "Your hair!"

Oof.

True story.

πŸ‘︎ 297
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kaploiff
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My neighbour asked me β€œHey, how much wood did you chop today?”

I said, β€œNot sure. Let me check the logs.”

πŸ‘︎ 197
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Friend - Hey man could you call for some flowers for me from online?

Me - Yeah sure bro I will cauliflowers.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pranavbrijwani
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey... Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage!

πŸ‘︎ 56
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/balkso
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey did you hear about the new kind of Italian rap music?

It’s called Rigatone.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey, did you get a haircut?

No, I got them all cut.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Global-94
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I made up a joke so get ready to hate on me. Trump (I know it's topical).... Trump was nervous during the election and was asked "hey, do you want some spiced tea"?

He replied "Chai, nah".

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joker-here
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œHey, how come I can see right through you?”

β€œMy son came out as Transgender today, so that makes me Transparent.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Asexualcroissant
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
"Hey son, would you like to watch the airplane take off?"

"Nah, that's boeing"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pizzapost
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey kids, do you know why did the banana go to the hospital?

He was peeling really bad! Hahaha!!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/balkso
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey baby do you have the Corona virus?

Because I can’t stop looking achoo

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DieserBene
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œHey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”

"No son, have you seen my dadglasses?"

πŸ‘︎ 449
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ruski_Oligarch
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I finally started to learn how to use a computer. My son said; "Hey Dad, you're getting betah".

And I said: "Betah? But I thought I was 1.0!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Akira896
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
"Hey Superman, are you a part of a gang?"

"Several, actually, depending on the day. I'm a kryptonight."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zombie-narwhals
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Son: Hey dad, you wanna play Among Us?

Dad: Sure, but what are we playing?

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bobzingy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
hey did you hear about the guy who cut off the left half of his body??

he’s all right now.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A weasel walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, I haven't seen your kind here before! What'll you have?"

"Pop." goes the weasel.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nickwitenzen
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad: "Hey, do you know where I can get a vocal ensemble?"

Music Director: "Don't you mean a choir?"

Dad: "Ok, How do I acquire a vocal ensemble?"

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey dad, how do you feel?

I feel with my hands.

That was my dad’s go to, directly followed by: dad: can I make you a sandwich Me: sure Dad: (does magic hands) poof you’re a sandwich

It’s almost 3 years since he died. I miss his joke every damn day.

πŸ‘︎ 153
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/grokm3
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey girl are you HTTP?

Because you're really insecure

πŸ‘︎ 192
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/insane_playzYT
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey! Don't you dare steal...

McAfee!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SonEf_Adam
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Business partner 1:Hey have you signed yet?

Business partner 2: Yes in deed

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/harshamfk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked the chef for butter for my naan and he gave me regular old butter. I went back and said, "hey, I may not look Indian, but I really wanted ghee." He told me rather rudely, "Well, next time you should clarify that."

I told him, "well, this time, you should."

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
"Hey!! How long have you been chopping wood for?"

"Not sure, let me check my logs."

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
"Hey bro, can you pass me the pamphlet?"

"Brochure"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
"Hey Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

"No sun."

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OldFartMaster10K
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey Dad did you get a haircut?

No son, I got them all cut

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Siy27
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
We were driving yesterday, and suddenly my wife turned to me and said, β€œHey, you missed a right”.

I said, β€œThanks babe. You MRS. right.”

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey dad can I ask you a question?

You just did !

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/coloredboyadvance
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
[Driving] My wife: Hey, you missed a right.

Me: Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report

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