A buddy of mine named his dog β5 Milesβ so he could tell people he walked 5 miles
But today he ran over 5 Miles
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︎ Nov 24 2020
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
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︎ Dec 26 2020
My vet picked up my dog, looked at him and confirmed that he was cross-eyed and that he had to be put down.
Confused and upset, I asked why.
The vet advised he was too heavy to hold any longer.
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︎ Jan 07 2021
What did the dog say when he rubbed his butt on sandpaper?
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︎ Dec 30 2020
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of shit.
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︎ Oct 27 2020
The local Blacksmith got a new dog. When he got him home he made a bolt for the door.
His other dog sat in the corner. It's a boxer.
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︎ Nov 13 2020
My dog got castrated and he suddenly stopped barking at the neighbours's dog.
I think he just doesn't have the balls to do it anymore.
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︎ Oct 30 2020
The other day I said "woof" to a dog but he just gave me a weird look.
I guess my accent is a little ruff.
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︎ Sep 26 2020
My robot dog wasnβt working properly but the vet said he couldnβt do anything.
I donβt understand. Donβt people take their pets to the vet to get fixed all the time?
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︎ Nov 14 2020
Why couldnβt the dog tell you what type of dog he was?
Because he had barkthritis
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︎ Oct 15 2020
A german tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog. After he climbed out, he said, βhere is ze dog, dry him off and keep him warm, he vill be fine. I asked him, βare you a vet?β
He said, βvet? Iβm fucking soakingβ
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︎ Jan 07 2020
A guy says he taught his dog Morse code. "Aye right Show me." Mate says. Guy turns to dog and asks "who's been a good boy then?" Dog uses paw on ground. Tap tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap tap tap pause tap. "what he say?" Mate asks
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︎ Dec 06 2019
I once tied my dogβs stick to a balloon, he brought it back from several miles away...
I know, it sounds a bit far-fetched.
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︎ Sep 01 2020
what did the dog say when he wasnβt fed for two days?
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︎ Sep 04 2020
My wife bought all these dog toys, but Scooter here isnβt quite sure what heβs supposed to do.
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︎ Jun 21 2020
A friend of mine claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his pet dog will retrieve it.
I think that's a bit far fetched.
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︎ Jun 09 2020
I taught my dog how to drive, but he had a crash
He forgot to put the car in bark
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︎ Aug 27 2020
For a long time, I though I had a dog named Yule. When he died, I found out he was just a wrench.
He was a good copper spanner, Yule
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︎ Aug 19 2020
My dog is angry because he canβt operate the MRI machine....
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︎ Apr 29 2020
A young boy was walking to school when he saw a dead dog in the road. When he got to school he told his teacher what he saw. βHow do you know if the dog was dead?β She asked the boy. βI know because I pissed in his ear.β The teacher looked horrified. βWhat do you mean you pissed in his ear??β
βI went up to him and went βPssstt!β in his ear and he didnβt move.β
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︎ Jun 18 2020
Where does a dog go when he loses his tail?
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︎ May 12 2020
My neighbour said he'd look after my dog if I accepted the fact that he's currently dating a punctuation mark.
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︎ Jun 07 2020
What does a dog receive after he finishes his PHD in genetics?
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︎ Jun 18 2020
My friend has a lot of dogs, so he started a zoo.
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︎ May 12 2020
A three legged dog walks in to a bar. He looks over at the bartender and says
βIβm looking for the man that shot my paw.β
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︎ May 31 2020
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog, bends down as if to pet it, then picks it up by the tail and begins spinning it over his head. It created quite the ruckus, so an employee ran over and asked the man if he needed help.
"No thanks, just looking around."
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︎ Apr 16 2020
My dog likes to whine, he thinks its pitiful.
In reality, it just sounds paw-thetic.
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︎ Apr 05 2020
What did the man do when he saw a hot dog?
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︎ Apr 26 2020
What did the dog say when he walked on sand paper?
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︎ Oct 10 2019
I noticed my dog starting to shake every time he barked, so I took him to the vet.
She confirmed my worst fears. Diagnosis: Barkinson's disease.
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︎ Feb 19 2020
We got a new dog at the weekend, he only obeys commands in Spanish....
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︎ Aug 20 2019
If Mark wants his dog, Lark, to Bark he says Bark Lark! Then if Lark wants Mark to Bark he says?
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︎ Oct 22 2019
I was once walking my dog along a promenade during a storm. I got chatting to a German tourist. While we were talking, my dog decided to go for a swim. It was clear he was struggling then he got dragged under. The German dived in, pulled him out and did cpr. The dog coughed then came back to life
"That's amazing" I said "how did you know to do that? Are you a vet?"
"Vet?" He asked. 'of corse I'm vet. I was in zee sea"
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︎ Jan 28 2020
I tried to take my dog sailing, but he wouldn't go.
As it turns out, my dog has his own barque.
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︎ Jan 22 2020
I have a dog called Minton. Guess what I call him when he does something naughty
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︎ Jan 22 2020
Bought a dog from a blacksmith yesterday, got him home and the first thing he did was make a bolt for the door
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︎ Oct 26 2019
I brought home baby cow meat for the dog, which he ate, threw up, and re-consumed.
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︎ Jan 29 2020
A policeman came to my house yesterday, said he saw my dog chasing some kid on a bike.
Told him thereβs no way, my dog doesnβt even know how to ride a bike.
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︎ Jan 09 2020
I took my dog to the lake to day and noticed he floats very well
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︎ Jan 19 2019
My deaf-mute postman has such a tough job. He starts work at 3am. In summer he gets attacked by dogs and in winter he has to brave through sub-zero temperatures. But in spite of all this....
Iβve never heard him complain
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︎ Mar 01 2019
My young son βsaidβ he made dinner today. He brought me a banana like balloon on a hot dog bun. Confused I said βummmm.. thank you .. but...whatβs this??β
He said itβs a Halloweenie!
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︎ Oct 31 2019
When I was little I saw this kid in my neighborhood dragging around a loaf of bread on a leash. To be funny, I said βHey, you have a beautiful dog!β, he responded,
βThanks, itβs pure bread!β.
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︎ Jun 06 2019
βMy Dog has no nose. How does he smell?β
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︎ May 31 2019
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
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︎ Dec 26 2020
What did the 3-legged dog say when he walked into the bar?
Iβm looking for the man who shot my paw
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︎ Mar 12 2020
Where does a dog go when he loses his tail?
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︎ Mar 05 2020
I got a dog from the blacksmiths the other day, but as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door
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︎ Mar 12 2019
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