Hear what happened when the guy heard the store was out of Preparation H?

He went on a 'rhoid rage.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/no_ur_cool
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 19 2018
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[request] Prom help?

So I'm asking my coworker to prom tomorrow, we both work at a grocery store (she's a cashier and I'm her bagger), all I can think of for a sign right now is something along the lines of "bagging a prom date". Can anyone think of any better grocery store puns for an ask?

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/wrety94
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 30 2017
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My father's favorite joke.

My dad passed away about 3 years ago. Now that I am a dad as well I thought I would pass on his favorite joke, bear with me cuz its long, but worth it...

A poor man who lives in a straw hut wants to to impress his neighbor. So he works for 3 months, enough to buy a fancy chair at the market. He calls his neighbor over for dinner one night and has him sit in the chair at dinner. He asks his neighbor, " isn't this a very nice chair? " To which the neighbor replies "it's okay i guess"...

Heartbroken, after the neighbor leaves, the man takes the chair upstairs and puts it in a closet and thinks.. maybe it was not a nice enough chair...

He then works 6 months, leaves his little straw hut and hitches a ride to the city and buys an extravagant chair with velvet padding. Once again he has his neighbor over for dinner, this time the neighbor says "it's nice, but I've seen better"

Sad, the man stores the chair in the upstairs closet. But the man could not be deterred.

He then worked for an entire year, left his little straw hut and went all the way to the capitol and bought a gaudy, gold painted chair with lion motifs and silk pillows.

The neighbor comes over to dinner and says. "Wow, what an ugly chair!"

Furious, the man grabs the chair, marches upstairs and throws it in the closet with such force that his entire straw hut collapses.

I guess people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones...

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 249
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/graffd02
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 02 2021
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You want to know where dads store all the dad jokes?

They store it in dad-a-base.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/chihiro_yoru
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 25 2021
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My house is infested with bees

So I went to the store to find something to get rid of them. Not knowing anything I picked out a bottle of raid and I asked the worker if it was any good for bees to which he replied โ€œnot at all it kills themโ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/RealHuman96
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 21 2021
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Where does a dog go when it loses its tail?

A retail store!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 123
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Rocknlefty
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 13 2021
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Where did the pirate captain get his hook?

From the second hand store.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/DinglebarryHandpump
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 12 2021
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I was charged with shoplifting and public indecency...

... the store manager reported that I took a leek.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/LateralAxes
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 25 2021
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I always visit my fan section...

Of the hardware store.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/NHonis
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 07 2021
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A bit morbid but hilarious. This happened earlier today.

My son had never heard of the store โ€œBuy Buy Babyโ€ (an American chain of stores for products for babies, similar to โ€œBabies R Usโ€). I canโ€™t remember exactly why I brought it up, but I mentioned the store to my wife (I think we were reminiscing on shopping there for our kids). My son overheard me say it, and he asked if it was some sick name for an abortion clinic.

As in โ€œBye bye baby.โ€

So stupid but I canโ€™t remember the last time I laughed as hard as I did. I canโ€™t stop replaying it in my head and laughing.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 20
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/JoeD341
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 12 2021
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You get nowhere in life without taking a Risk, officer.

Thatโ€™s why I robbed the board game store.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 65
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/AkoVendettaOSRS
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 26 2021
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Luke Skywalker had issues after his first duel with Darth Vader

His first robotic appendage was defective from the second hand store.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/TheAzrael2013
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 10 2021
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I was gonna tell you a joke about memory

But I forgot where I stored it.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/HypnoSnurtle
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 17 2021
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Grocery Store

I took my son to the store to get some ingredients for dinner. We were having Mexican food, and when we got to the aisle with the salsa, my son stared indecisively at the shelves. After a good minute, he still hadnโ€™t made a decision and I knew my wife would be wondering what was taking so long.

So I told him,

โ€œSon, pick up the pace.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/sing_Argent_Aria
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 25 2021
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Great joke, albeit a bit long winded.

There was once a boy. He was the son of the richest man in the universe. Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, he dwarfed them all. He was a multi-trillionaire. Now, it was this boy's birthday. His father asked him,

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. A store full of lego, all the video games in the world, anything. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one pink ping pong ball."

His father was rather confused by this request. Out of all the things he could've chosen, his son chose a ping pong ball. Nonetheless, he agreed and gave him a pink ping pong ball. His son was overjoyed and spoke to him.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong ball?"

"Okay son, go ahead."

The boy then went up to his room and played with his pink ping pong ball. When his father went in the next morning to check on him, the boy was sleeping in his bed and the pink ping pong ball was nowhere to be found.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one box full of pink ping pong balls."

His father was again, confused by this. Still, he bought a cardboard box and filled it with ping pong balls. He gave it to his son, who said.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong balls?"

The father nodded, and the son went up to his room to play. The next morning when his father went to check, the boy was sleeping peacefully and there were no pink ping pong balls in sight. Just the empty cardboard box in the middle of the room.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one truck full of ping pong balls."

Now, by this point, the father was extremely confused. Why did the boy want so many pink ping pong balls and where were they going? He asked.

"My son. You are the most precious thing in the world to me and I can certainly get you this, but may I ask, why do you want

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 19
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/phrresehelp
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 17 2021
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Grocery humour

After she rang through all my items, the cashier at the grocery store asked โ€œis that everything.โ€ I replied โ€œno, but I canโ€™t afford everything.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 29
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/saskatoonbaldguy
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 27 2021
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My son and I are very immature when he is sitting on the toilet.

I asked him:

If you pooped up into the air, would it be skyarrhea?

If you pooped after eating a pastry, would it be piearrhea?

If you pooped in the middle of the grocery store, would it aislearrhea?

If your poop was painful, would it be cryarrhea?

If you couldn't poop, would your friend ask you to just tryarrhea?

If you didn't actually have to poop, but said you did, would it be liearrhea?

If you were a scientist who had to take a poop, would it be Bill Nyearrhea?

If you pooped in an airplane, would it by flyarrhea?

If you pooped while working for a secret government agency, would it be spyarrhea?

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/bridgeheadprod
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 31 2021
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Me: "How much is the rent for this beautiful apartment?"

"Sir!! This is a liquor store "

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 49
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 10 2021
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Where does the mortitain buy his milk?

The coroner store

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/NateTheSimpleOne
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 26 2021
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I took a bath

And I was promptly removed from the hardware store premises.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/mr_fishbowl
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 21 2021
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There is a famous drug store in my city, because they wear disney costume to cheer up people

the main guy wears a Donald duck costume. I really don't like to go to the store though because my mom always said that one shouldn't take drugs from a quack.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/gandhitaher27
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 12 2021
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Dad: โ€œ... and if Iโ€™m being frank you are acting terrible about itโ€

Child: โ€œ if you are being frank who is being dad?โ€

Actual conversation I heard in the store

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Stewdootdootelydoo
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 29 2021
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Picture Perfect Puns

Ancient Scot Richard's Warriors: Dick's Picts

Loki - Trick pics (from my brother)

Pictures of an Adam Sandler movie: "Click" pics.

Pictures of a Kaitlin Olson character: The Mick's pics

Screenahots of these comments: Wit pics

Leaky faucet: drip pics

X1 Cumberbatch photos: Benedict pics

X2 Pope photos: Benedict pics (also works)

X3 Turncoat snaps: Benedict pics

X4 "Wong" image: Benedict pics

Legal command: Writ pics

Pictures of twigs: Stick pics

A Christmas Story scene: lick pics

Pictures of a Winter Saint: Nick pics

Syringe photos: prick pics (from a friend)

Sporting goods store images: Dick's pics.

Dan Harmon cartoon character: Rick's pics.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/AndySkibba
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 18 2021
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Iโ€™ve being breaking a lot of records recently...

I would have broken more if they didnโ€™t kick me out of the music store.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/jlionbad
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 11 2021
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Pet store

A pet store had a bird contest with no perches necessary.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/spinnaker190
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 09 2021
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What do buffalo do when they run out of bread?

They go to the store to bison.

:D :D :D :D :D

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/eurydicesdreams
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 31 2021
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My wife left me cause Im too insecure

Never mind she was just at the grocery store

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 14k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/bribonzuelo92
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 01 2020
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Her: Honey can you pick up some milk

Him:* lifts gallon * done

Her: no from the store

Him: I imagine it weighs the same there too

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 23
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/DJonesy007
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 04 2021
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Where does the army get it's higher up officers?

From the general store

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Nuudom
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 01 2021
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Once upon a time in the jungle...

Once upon a time there were numerous tribes in a jungle. Each tribe struggled to survive, and over time and as skills evolved, tribes began to trade goods with each other. One tribe learned the skills of architecture, and traded designs for safe grass houses with neighboring tribes for other necessities, such as food. Over time, the tribe grew quite rich, and without the need for goods the chief of the tribe demanded payment in the form of a tribute, an ornate throne. Over time the number of thrones the chief owned grew more and more numerous, so he had a great multi-story grass house built to store all of his thrones. One day, the weight of the thrones became so much the house collapsed, killing the chief. The moral of the story isโ€ฆ wait for itโ€ฆ

He who lives in grass houses shouldnโ€™t stow thrones.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Pirate-Frog
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 19 2021
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YOU KNOW YOUโ€™RE A DAD WHENโ€ฆ

โ€ข you suddenly know all the words to every Eagles song.

โ€ข you get up early on a Saturday morning to make sure youโ€™ll be tired enough for a couch nap that afternoon.

โ€ข you change your carโ€™s oil exactly every 2,000 miles.

โ€ข mowing the lawn is no longer a chore, but a privilege.

โ€ข you can actually tell old John Wayne movies apart.

โ€ข your idea of fun is aimlessly wandering around the home improvement section of any store.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/daviscojokes
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 23 2021
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I recently turned down an opportunity to open a Dominos Pizza store, because I thought it was too risky.

If one store goes down, they will all go down.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Rx3065
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 20 2020
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My first official dad joke!!!

So my 1st Born came into this world on Monday night and we were discharged on Thursday. Upon leaving our room, we were given a metal cart to place our belongings on including our son (in his car seat). As we made our way to the garage, I noticed that when the cart was rolling his car seat would rock a bit. I took this opportunity to exclaim โ€œhey (sonโ€™s name) youโ€™re really rockinโ€™ โ€˜nโ€™ rollinโ€™ now.โ€ My wife then truly realized what is in store for her.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 534
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/do_it-to_it
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 29 2020
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I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette

I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire.

The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire. Then they gave her a ticket!

After they came inside I asked why they gave her a ticket. Turns out she didn't have a license for that firearm.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 10k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/digeratisensei
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 28 2020
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Why did the one-handed man cross the road?

To get to the second hand store.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 27
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Timsonater
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 20 2020
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Believe it or not, my wife appreciates my input when we go shopping for decorations...

...the one thing I actually look forward to when we go to Hobby Lobby is the moment we're walking through the store, I try to keep a perfectly straight face and act like I have a genuine interest in something on the shelf, I reach up and I say something like, "Oh, look at this nice little Stool sample!"

(Not really a joke, but a true dad joke recurring scenario of mine)

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/SplashbackDeuce
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 23 2021
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For his birthday, a boy wants a pet spider.

His dad takes him to an exotic pet store, where they see a big, hairy spider. The father asks how much it costs. โ€œThatโ€™s fifty dollars,โ€ the clerk replies.

โ€œFifty bucks!โ€ the dad exclaims. โ€œForget that, Iโ€™ll just find a cheap one off the web.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/daviscojokes
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 24 2021
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Talking about uterus at dinner... Don't ask

My friend says, did y'all know that in Australia they have a store called yute-r-us?

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/bballjs88
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 10 2021
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Where do pirates get their hooks?

The second hand store.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 41
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/PensionNo8124
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 10 2021
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where did captain hook get his hook?

at a secondhand store

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 703
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/chickenman2359
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 14 2021
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Where did Captain Hook get his hook?

He got it at a second hand store...

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 319
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Mickets
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 11 2021
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Where did Captain Hook purchase his hook...

at a second hand store.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 180
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Evening_Flatworm5850
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 13 2021
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Where does a dog go to get a new tail?

A Retail store!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 10
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ramichaud
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 17 2021
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Where did Captain Hook get his hook?

The second-hand store

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 42
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Melvin-_-_-Marvelous
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 27 2021
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Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?

>!The second hand store.!<

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Unclebigfoote
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 08 2020
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Where does captain hook like to shop?

The second-hand store.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 28
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/InterwebWeasel
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 27 2020
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