H Store Puns

He went on a 'rhoid rage.

So I'm asking my coworker to prom tomorrow, we both work at a grocery store (she's a cashier and I'm her bagger), all I can think of for a sign right now is something along the lines of "bagging a prom date". Can anyone think of any better grocery store puns for an ask?

I don’t know if it’s allowed as this technically isn’t a pun itself, but my store is tv and film related and we are taking part in a trail where each store gets and names their own meerkat cut out. So… any ideas? We’re struggling. The best we got is Meerkatniss Everdeen ahah.

My daughter wanted a bird. She kept her grades up, so we followed through on our part to get her one. She wanted a cockatiel, but they were sold out everywhere. We find a place about an hour away. I called (on speaker phone) and asked the sales lady (daughter and wife were around me) if they still had the birds available. Lady said yes, she has 3. I asked if we could put one on hold and she said No, they don't do that.

I asked her if we were to leave our house and head up to the pet store an hour away will one be available and she said, yes... they more than likely won't sell out within an hour.

So, I responded "So, they're not exactly flying off the shelves......"

And nothing! Nothing from the sales lady, nor my family other than eye rolls.

no-one gets me!

TLDR: I said something I thought was witty. I was the only one who thought that.

My daughter and I have been trading these. Here is our current list - would love to hear more!

1. I lost my job at the chess factory. I couldn’t work knights.
2. I lost my job at the bank. A lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
3. I lost my job at the keyboard factory. I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
4. I lost my job at the calendar factory. I took too many days off.
5. I lost my job as a maze designed. I got lost in my work.
6. I lost my job as an electrician. I was shocked!
7. I lost my job as a psychic. I didn’t see it coming!
8. I lost my job at the funeral home. Apparently, the options are “cremation” or “burial,” not “smoking” or “non-smoking.”
9. I lost my job as an astronomer. I thought my work was looking up!
10. I lost my job as a cyber criminal. I couldn’t hack it.
11. I lost my job as a human cannonball. I got fired!
12. I lost my job as a garbage collector. I had no training but I thought I would pick it up as I go.
13. I lost my job as a math teacher, same job I’ve had since 2000. That’s 46 years down the drain!
14. I lost my job in pool maintenance. It was too draining.
15. I lost my job as a fisherman. I didn’t make enough net income.
16. I lost my job as a baker. I really kneaded the dough!
17. I lost my job as a historian. There was no future in it.
18. I lost my job as a tour guide in Australia. I did not have the right koalafications.
19. I lost my job at the upholstery repair shop. I may never recover.
20. I lost my job as a massage therapist. I rubbed people the wrong way.
21. I lost my job as a seamstress. And I tried sew hard.
22. I lost my job as a musician. I just wasn’t noteworthy.
23. I lost my job at the unemployment office. And I still need to go back there tomorrow.
24. I lost my job feeding giraffes. I just wasn’t up to it.
25. I lost my job as a water slide attendant. My career is going down the tubes.
26. I lost my job at the paper shredding factory. It was a tearable job.
27. I lost my job as a drummer. I’m sure there will be repercussions.
28. I lost my job as a pole vaulter. I'll never get over it.
29. I lost my job as a pet groomer. I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.
30. I lost my job as a pastry tester. That job was a piece of cake.
31. I lost my job as a mirror inspector. I could see myself doing that for a long time.
32. I lost my job as a yoga instructor. I bent over backwards for them.
33. I lost my job at Dunkin. It’s ok, I was fed up wit

Over the last couple of month I have become a victim to cleaver thieves while out shopping.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car and offer you help unloading your bag. They both start bouncing around, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to another store. If you agree, they both want to get in the back seat.

On the way to the next store, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. When you pull over to safely correct their actions, one of them climbs into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen on January 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on February 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and 10th, March 1st and twice yesterday. Please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.

The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 5:30 in the evening. If you happen to get caught in this scam, be aware that you can get replacement wallets at the Dollar Store, but both west side Walmarts are completely out.

For example, my local liquor store is has shut down, which is a serious problem.

The secondhand store

ABSENTEE A missing golfing accessory

AUTOBIOGRAPHY The car’s logbook

AVOIDABLE What a bullfighter tries to do

BERNADETTE The act of torching a mortgage

BOOKCASE Litigation about a novel

BURGLARISE What a crook sees with

CABBAGE The fare you pay to a taxi driver

CAUTERISE Made eye contact with her

COUNTERFEITERS Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

DILATE To live long

ECLIPSE What an English barber does for a living

EYEDROPPER A clumsy ophthalmologist

GRANARY Home for old women

HEROES A guy manning the oars in a boat

HUMBUG Singing insect

LEFT BANK What the robber did when his bag was full of money

MISTY How golfers create divots

NONDESCRIPT Italian actors ad-libbing

NITRATES Cheaper then day rates

PARADOX Two physicians

PARASITES What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

PHARMACIST A helper on the farm

POLARISE What penguins see with

POST OPERATIVE A letter deliverer

PRIMATE Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

RECOVERY ROOM A place to do upholstery

RELIEF What trees do in the spring

RUBBERNECK What you do to relax your wife

TERMINAL ILLNESS Getting sick at the airport

SELFISH What the owner of a seafood store does

URINE Or you’re out

But when I got to the store everyone else had clothes on.

A few months ago my GF and I were at this grosery store and she offers to buy me a popsicle. I accept but, while passing by the sodas I take a Dr Pepper and we go on. At the cashier this conversation goes on:

GF: Do you want the popsicle? Me: Nah, I am going with the healthy option (pointing at my soda) GF: How is a soda a healthy option? Me: It is a Doctor!

I still jiggle from time to time while remembering

A Nokia store.

A guy walks into his usual bar and orders a beer. He notices a full suit of armor standing on display by the bar. "Where did you get that?" the guy asks the bartender. "I picked it up at an antique store downtown," the bartender says. "It only cost $2,500." "Geez, all that money for a knight?" the guy exclaims. "Oh, no," the bartender hastens to reassure him. "You get to keep it forever."

The coroner store

I went to the store and found out balloons with helium cost more than balloons without. All because of inflation...

Thankfully I was able to find the part I needed at a second-hand store.

I read a news story about this guy who drove to the liquor store with his kid in the back in a car seat. He goes in, gets a case of beer, throws it in the back of his car, but he forgot his kid was back there. Sad story.

"Was the kid alright?"

Kid was fine, it was lite beer.

Best if told in a group, someone is bound to ask if the kid was OK.

Hey guys, wanted to post some of my dad jokes from this week. If you guys like them I can post again periodically.

1. At a petting zoo, my 3-year old boy asks why the pony doesn't make noise. I tell him "because he's a little hoarse" (ok that might be an old one).

2. At the same petting zoo, my boy won't get off the display tractor when other kids want to use it. "Come on, don't be a de-tractor". Another kid is falling asleep on a different tractor. "That must be the dozer".

3. My infant son is about to flip over during tummy time but can't do it yet. When he missed his morning tummy time, my wife said he should make it up with extra time in the afternoon. I tell her "those are the roll-over minutes"

4. We are on a playdate at a friend's house, and his 3-year old spills open a teabag all over his bare feet. I say "guess he'll never have an alcohol problem". Friend asks "why not?". "Because he's a tea-toe-toller".

5. Buying vegetables at the grocery store, I tell my wife some of the lettuce varieties they're selling these days have been genetically edited. She asks "how do you know?" I tell her "they just taste CRISPR".

6. The rubber ducky in our bathtub has a stethoscope for some reason. My son asks if the stethoscope works. "No, that guy's a quack".

These are just the good ones, I probably told about 50 bad ones to get these. If you guys like them, happy to post more. Happy superb owl day!

Their janitor keeps the store spotless.

“Why so cheap?” she asked the pet store owner. The owner said, “Well, this bird used to live in a brothel, and occasionally it says some pretty vulgar stuff.” The woman thought about this, but decided that for $50, she just had to have the bird.

She took the bird home, hung the cage up in the living room, and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “Meh… That's really not so bad” and laughed it off.

When her two teenage daughters got home from school, the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls!!!” The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then laughed about the situation – considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

A few moments later, the woman’s husband got home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “New house, new madam, new girls, welcome back Keith!!!”

They had to close the hat store. Deadass no cap

A second hand store.

My friend is always talking about this one brand of sake and seems to really love it. I can’t seem to find it at any grocery store or Total Wine, and can’t track it down online. I really want to try it because my friend mentions it so much.

Anyway, does anyone know where I can find Pete’s Sake?

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving once and for all that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

As they’re going down the escalator on their way to another store, the argument dies down. At the bottom, the family man in front of them says “well, that de-escalated quickly”

She just sacheted out of the store with it.

Me: I'm gonna run to the store tomorrow.

12y old son: You know, you could use a car.

Because it's lined with open windows

Saw the other dad joke about the apple store and couldn't resist

1. fish 1 turns to a nearby restaurant and asks: shell we eat here?
   fish 3 says: is it even good tho?
   fish 1 then says: yeah its good, ive haddock with fish 2 before its a very good plaice.
   fish 2 says: yeah that plaice is good, when i first took a bite of the food, i let out a huge, oh my cod!
   fish 3 says: i trout that tho it seems kinda fishy, arowana eat at this restaurant. halibut that one? i had it with a large grouper before. ive even met the gill of my breams before!
   fish 1 says: oh sure! i dont mind.
   fish 3 says: there is a caviar tho, its very expensive and of-fish-al.
   fish 2 says: oh for heavens hake! you know we dont have the money for that.
   fish 3 says: nah im ballin, i could perch-ace the whole store!
   fish 2 says: in my breams you cod, you take me for a school?! you are bass-lighting me.
   fish 3 says: no, im not bass-lighting you. ive been surfing on this nft hype recently and have made river-bank! keep it as a sea-cret tho.
   fish 2 says: oh, thats surf-prising. how much money have you made?
   fish 3 says: mmm, about a gillion so far. its difficult to start tho, i had to shell all my craw-perty to a shellfish clam at the prawn-shop! but, i took my oppor-tuna-ty and made profit.
   fish 1 says: ughh are you done coral-ling? im starving here!
   fish 2 says: actually, do yall sea the curved metal thing up there? The food on it look delicious, let's crab it.
2. they all agreed unanimously, but little did they know, a wrasse-ful fisherman was up there,
   waiting for his next meal.
3. fin

Over the last year whenever I order something online from a small business I make sure to write "write a dad joke on the invoice" in the memo section at checkout.

I've gotten some lame ones like what did the ghost say to the bees? Boo-bees

I've gotten some good ones, even had a gun store give me the shatner panties joke

But today's just hit peak dad joke status....

They included my invoice sheet and a separate sheet of printer paper with nothing on it but the words "a dad joke" in like 200 size font.

It's short, sweet, super corny and makes you facepalm, but still had me laughing out loud for about five minutes.

Bravo good sir, you definitely have a couple of kids at home that get lots of practice rolling their eyes

A teenager had a crush on a girl all throughout highschool, and he finally decides to ask her to the prom, to which she agreed. Two weeks before the prom, he went to rent a tuxedo. When he got to the tuxedo store, there was a long line. He decided to wait anyway, and he got his tuxedo. A week before the prom, he went to go rent a limo. When he arrived at the limo place there was a huge line, but he decided to wait anyway to get his limo. On the day of prom, he went to buy a corsage. When he got to the floral store, there was a huge line. He decided to wait anyway, and he bought his date a corsage. During the night of prom everything was going well. They were dancing and having a good time. The girl whispered into his ear to ask if he would go get her some punch. The young man looked over to the punch table and there was no punchline.

Three friars were banished from their monastery for various rule violations, so they decided to start a business together. They traveled around until they found a town that they liked, and opened up a plant shop. Their floral business was soon thriving.

One day, a woman was shopping at the friar’s store, and while she was strolling down an aisle with her toddler, a large plant reached out, grabbed the child, and ate it. Needless to say, the women was quite upset at the loss of her child. However, the friars refused to believe that one of their plants could have done such a thing.

The woman told all of her friends about the incident, and soon everyone in the town was in an uproar. They decided to kick the friars out of town. Every person in the town, except for a man named Hugh, gathered outside of the friars shop, shouting, waving sticks, and demanding that they leave. But the friars said “No. We’re not leaving.” So the townspeople gave up and went home.

Well, a couple weeks later, another woman was walking through the friar’s shop, looking at plants with her baby, when a plant grabbed her child and ate it. She ran through the streets screaming that a plant had swallowed her baby. The townspeople were outraged, and again gathered outside the floral shop (except for Hugh), waving torches, and demanding that the friars leave town at once.

But the friars said, “No way.” and all the people gave up and went home.

A few days later, yet another woman dared to take her child into the floral shop. She held her infant tightly in her arms, but it was no use. A large ficus wrestled the child from her arms, and ate it.

When the townspeople heard of this, they were extremely upset. They again gathered outside the friar’s store (except for Hugh), yelling and threatening bodily harm to the friars if they didn’t leave town. But the friars said, “We’re staying”. So, the citizens gave up and began to go home. Just then, Hugh showed up. He walked up to the friars, and said, “Get out of town, now!” The friars immediately packed up all their belongings and fled that very day, never to be heard from again.

The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Smokey_Bear

It's called the iBrowse.

I think this is OC but maybe it was stored in the back of my mind idk

second hand stores!

He goes to a retail store.

Walking through a mall with my boys. 8 year old points at a store and asks "Dad, what's that store called?" In shopping dad mode, I answered quickly...."Guess". He quickly replies with a cheeky grin "I don't know....Gap?.....that's why I asked you."

To get to the library.

What did the chicken ask for at the library?

Book Book

When discussing book club suggestions with her friend the frog what did the frog say?

Reddit

Looking for inspiration the chicken went to the book store staffed by young birds.

Everything was cheap cheap

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey, what happened to the smoke shop that used to be next door? the guy asks the bartender. "I thought I'd stop in and pick up some stuff and now its some sort of ladies apparel store." "Yep," the bartender replies. "Clothes, but no cigar."

… of course, I tell them that they’re stored in my dad-abase.

Bill retires, having worked for the same employer for 34 years, after graduating from college. After a year, the inactivity starts to get to him. So, he goes and gets a job as a greeter at WalMart. Everyone loves him. Kids behave in the store, women remark at what a gentleman he is, little old ladies say he is gallant, even the employees are more productive after walking in past Bill every morning. The only problem is, Bill is late… Every, Single, day. The Manager covers for him as long as he can, but finally HR decrees that bill has to click in on time, or go.

So, the manager sits down with Bill, and says.. Bill.. everyone likes you, and you do a great job. But you’re late every day. Bill Replies.. ‘yea, I am, I Guess I could try to work on that.’ The manager asks ‘Bill, what did they say when you were late at your last job?’

Bill thinks for a minute, and replies ‘Good Morning, Admiral, would you like a cup of coffee, sir?’

Go to the dollar store

The second hand stores!