The guy manning the dessert station in my cafeteria got his coworker good with this one.

Worker 1: Hey, you better watch out, I can't be trusted.

Worker 2: Why's that?

Worker 1: Because I'm desserting everyone!

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alexisxsays
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2014
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So a prop guy working on a movie kills a man with a styrofoam cinderblock

He ends up telling a friend about this his friend says β€œif the cops find out they will know that you did it”

And the prop guy replies β€œno they couldn’t there is no concrete evidence”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Obliviouslynormal
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2022
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"Son, do you know the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?" After thinking a minute, he asked, "No dad, what?" Smiling, I responded, "Iron Man stops the bad guys but..."

"Aluminum Man just foils their plans!"

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2022
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I have a bunch of jokes about unemployed people

But, sadly, none of them work

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Smrying
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2022
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What do you call a dead guy on your porch?

Matt...

πŸ‘︎ 329
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Towcutter28
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2022
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In honor of Pride Month, and me officially coming out to my family, I’d like to make a gay joke

But my parents already did πŸ€ͺ

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HammersAndHemlock
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2022
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Monster under the bed
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stevekimes
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2022
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DC Comics: Introducing the incredible Butt Cleansing Man! Regular guy by night...

Superhero bidet.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2022
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A Guy witnessed a man try to shank someone, but the man messed up and ran away. That same guy saw the same man try to shank someone again, but this time the man succeeded.

He Saw Shank Redemption

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nerdwiththeverbs
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2022
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a man goes to a funeral and asks..

He asks the widow "Mind if I say a word?" She says "please do"

The man clears his throat and says "Bargain."

The widow replies "Thanks that means a great deal."

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gl3nnsth3man
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2022
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Although it is not illegal, why can't you take a picture of a man with a wooden leg in Canada?

You have to use a camera.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gary6043
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2022
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What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

πŸ‘︎ 234
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotNavOnReddit
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2022
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A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. β€œI’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. β€œSorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. β€œYou’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. β€œWe don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. β€œWhy not?” one yogurt asks. β€œWe’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, β€œWhat are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, β€œIt’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, β€œArrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbersβ€”some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugasum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
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Today I saw two blind guys fighting

Should've seen their faces when I said "My money's on the one with the knife"

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UncreativeNoob
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2022
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A English man, a Spaniard, a French man, and a German. Go to a club. The guy on stage asks if they can see him. They said

β€œYes” β€œOui” β€œSí” β€œJa”

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGregGreg
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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The guy who stole my diary just died.

My thoughts are with his family.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UncreativeNoob
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2022
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Blind Girl Here. Give Me Your Best Blind Jokes!

Do your worst!

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Leckzsluthor
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2022
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A man calls the RV place where he bought his travel trailer to ask what he needs to do to winterize it. The guy says, β€œbring it on over and I’ll summarize it for you.”

β€œNo, I need it WINTER-IZE!…never mind! I’ll figure it out myself!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2021
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What's the opposite of lady fingers?

Mentos

(I will see myself out)

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GamerJoe85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2022
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Why does Willem Dafoe always play villians?

If he played a good guy, he'd be Willem Dafriend.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scardeal
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2022
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A man recently pulled up to a gas station and started to pump gas while still holding his lit cigarette. The fuel nozzle's shutoff switch failed to engage when his tank was full & fuel shot out on to the man's arm. The fuel immediately caught fire. A cop that was driving by stopped and shot the guy

Apparently it's illegal to wave a fire arm in public.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2021
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"Have you ever done anything good?" St. Peter asked a guy when he showed up at the Pearly Gates. "To protect a young girl I punched the leader of a motorcycle gang, kicked his bike over, and told them all to back off!" said the man. St. Peter was impressed, "When did you do this?"

"Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
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To that guy all I have to say is Yo-da Man!
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-JasonTe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
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Did you guys hear about the man who was posing as a member of the band at a Saint Patrick’s Festival?

They caught him because he was playing sham-rock

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DummGhahrr
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2021
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I once gave up my seat on the bus to a blind man.

And that's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

πŸ‘︎ 336
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EsseB420
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2022
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox?

Bill.

πŸ‘︎ 236
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lava_Wolf_68
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2022
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Definitions for punsters

ABSENTEE A missing golfing accessory

AUTOBIOGRAPHY The car’s logbook

AVOIDABLE What a bullfighter tries to do

BERNADETTE The act of torching a mortgage

BOOKCASE Litigation about a novel

BURGLARISE What a crook sees with

CABBAGE The fare you pay to a taxi driver

CAUTERISE Made eye contact with her

COUNTERFEITERS Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

DILATE To live long

ECLIPSE What an English barber does for a living

EYEDROPPER A clumsy ophthalmologist

GRANARY Home for old women

HEROES A guy manning the oars in a boat

HUMBUG Singing insect

LEFT BANK What the robber did when his bag was full of money

MISTY How golfers create divots

NONDESCRIPT Italian actors ad-libbing

NITRATES Cheaper then day rates

PARADOX Two physicians

PARASITES What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

PHARMACIST A helper on the farm

POLARISE What penguins see with

POST OPERATIVE A letter deliverer

PRIMATE Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

RECOVERY ROOM A place to do upholstery

RELIEF What trees do in the spring

RUBBERNECK What you do to relax your wife

TERMINAL ILLNESS Getting sick at the airport

SELFISH What the owner of a seafood store does

URINE Or you’re out

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2022
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Here's a joke my brother told me

A man walks into a bar.

He asks from the bartender. ”Wow! Are those two Hitler and Stalin?,and points at a table in the corner.

The bartender says ”Yes they are”.

So the man walks to them and asks ”What’re you guys talking about?”.

Stalin says ”Oh we’re planning WW3”.

Hitler says ”I’m going to murder 1 million jews and a biker”.

The man says ”A biker?”.

Hitler answers ”See? No one cares about jews”.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Davdabdabboy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2022
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Understanding cop.

A man purchased a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The police cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2022
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Father's Gift: And on-going saga (not a Dad joke, per se - sorry)

Didn't know where to post this; but since it's Father's Day, I wanted to tell you all about a little family tradition that started because Dad, is Dad.

18 years ago (Not about, trust me, I know this one to the date) I was over Dad's house and I needed a wrench, and coming from a long line of mechanics, I knew he's have one available as I didn't have my kit in my car, so I asked to borrow one.

Dad of course said yes, handed me the mechanic's tool box, and just out of habit, I opened it and immediately noticed that a Craftman's 7/16, ratchet-end wrench was missing.

Again, I come from a LONG line of mechanics; every tool has its place, be it in a drawer, box or outlined on a peg board, and I thought it was weird that Dad lost a wrench out of the spare / house tool kit.

"You're missing a 7/16." I pointed out, showing him the missing slot.

Now Dad, being Dad, just had to bust on me a bit, so looking me dead in the eyes and beaming a huge smile he responded: "It was there when I gave it to you."

Mind you, I hadn't left the kitchen. I hadn't so much as shifted my FEET. I knew he was lying, he knew he was lying, but it had been ingrained in me since childhood that losing a tool is a death sentence.

Now, I knew he was busting my balls and I let it go; but from that day forward, anytime we needed something, he'd make a comment like "Sure wish I had that 7/16th wrench that Coyote lost." or "You know what would fix it? That missing 7/16th wrench."

This went on for MONTHS. So one day, he made the usual "tease me for losing a tool" comment and I warned him. I looked him in the eyes and said:

"Say it ONE more time old man, and you're going to get that wrench every Birthday, Father's Day and Christmas for the rest of your natural life."

Few hours passed, I asked him to hand me a tool and he said: "I can't you lost it, remember?"

I laughed, and played it off -but it was on...and that was 18 years ago.

Today, being Father's day, he just received his 52nd craftsman's ratchet-end, 7/16th wrench.

Since that day, he's tried telling me that he knows that I didn't lose it, (I knew that already) that I don't need to buy it (Oh, I fucking DO.), and he's occasionally tried to say it was a different size or item to get a different present, but we both know that's not happening.

They're everywhere. Every coffee can, junk drawer, cabinet, tool box, peg board or spare nail in the house and garage contains a Craftsman's 7/16 ratchet end wrench. You know how they say you'r

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UncleCoyote
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2022
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Those guys at the borscht factory, man...

They never miss a beet

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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Guys , why does this man only have toes
πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnlakySloth
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
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Superheroes
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2021
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Once upon a time, in the Wild West…

Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West.

So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and tough he was, and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up fights and didn't skim too much off the receipts. He told Fred that he (Fred) was doing a fine job, but he should remember one thing:

"If you ever hear even a rumor that Mad Martin is coming to town, just save what you can, put a bottle of Red Eye on the counter, and head out of town as fast as you can."

Fred was pretty perplexed at this, and sought explanation. He was told that Mad Martin was an old mountain man who lived up in the hills and only came to town once or twice a year. However, Martin was the most dangerous guy they'd ever heard of and few had ever encountered him and lived to tell the tale.

Fred listened carefully and then promptly forgot all about it. Until, one day a few months later, a cowboy came riding through town at full speed, yelling, "Martin's coming! Head for the hills!" The result was incredible. Everybody in town immediately jumped on their horses and took off for the hills. Except Fred. He wanted to see this guy because he didn't believe he could be all that tough. So, Fred just put the bottle of Red Eye on the bar, hid behind the counter, and waited.

He didn't wait long. Soon there was a noise in the street. As Fred looked out a hole in the wall, he saw this huge, mean-looking guy ride down the center of the street on the biggest bull buffalo that Fred had ever seen. The guy stopped the buffalo in front of the bar, jumped off the beast, punched it in the head (dropping the critter to its knees) and bellowed, "Wait here til I get back!"

The fellow turned and walked up the steps. Fred saw that the guy had a pair of huge mountain lions on leashes. He tied them both to a post and kicked them soundly, hollering, "You pussycats stay here til I'm done!" The cats fearfully sat down.

Into the bar stormed the fellow, ripping the doors off the wall as he passed. With two strides he approached the bar, picked up the bottle of Red Eye, bit off the neck, and downed it all in one gulp. Poor Fred, thoroughly frightened by now, let out a little whimper. The guy klooked down over the bar and roared, "What the hell do you think you're looking at!?"

Fred managed to say, "N..n..n..nothing, mister. Do you want another

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2022
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My son asked me, β€œDad, can we watch Spider Manβ€”Far from Home tonight?”

I said, β€œWhy? It is the same movie if you watch it nearby.”

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2022
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A man was fired because he refused his company’s obligation of going out on the town with the other guys.

If only he had fulfilled their man-date, he could have kept his job!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tempthrowary
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2021
🚨︎ report
What’s the difference between iron man and aluminum man?

Iron Man stops the bad guys, aluminum man foils their plans.

πŸ‘︎ 164
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisDiff
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2022
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POST TURTLE

The full story:

β€œWhile suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politics and then they discussed some new guy who was far too big for his shoes as a politician.

The old rancher said, β€˜Well, ya know, he is a post turtle’. Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a β€˜post turtle’ was.

The old rancher said, β€˜When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a β€˜post turtle’.

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain. β€˜You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there in the first place.’ β€œ

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/learningUj
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2022
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A guy came up to me and said, β€œMan your clothes are so gay”

I said, β€œI know, they came out of the closet this morning”

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neon_exorcism
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hole?

...Phil

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheArtfulDanger
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2021
🚨︎ report
What happened to the American man who went to the hospital for a broken leg?

He went broke.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Infectedtoe32
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2021
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?

Iron Man stops the bad guys. Aluminum Man foils their plans.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brian_m1982
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2021
🚨︎ report
What did one French man say to the other French guy.

I don’t know. I don’t speak French.

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGregGreg
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a hole?

Phil

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rumblebully
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2021
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Guy gets pulled over for running a stop sign. He says to the cop β€œgive me a break man, I slowed down.” The cop starts beating on the guy and says...

β€œSo... do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop?”

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaymanRich
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A man is out ice fishing, but not having any luck. But he sees a guy across the lake pulling out fish after fish.

So the man goes over and says β€œI’ve been watching you catch so many fish today, but I’m getting nothing. What’s your secret?”

The other man says β€œMffffmmm mmmm mfffmmmm mmmmm”

The first man says β€œWhat?”

The other man spits something into his hand and says β€œI said, you gotta keep your worms warm!”

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/02K30C1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report

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