I am so good at sleeping

I can do it with my eyes closed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BurstIntoBlue
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
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I’m getting pretty good at sleeping

I practice every night!

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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This happened recently. Was hiking with a friend in a canyon with good acoustics, when he shouted about a good price he got on his new sleeping bag.

When I asked him why he shouted that, he said he wanted to share 'echo-nomical.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DocDerz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2017
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Being a parent is hard - my son won't ever let me have a good night's sleep; so when my wife came home the other day and asked why I was so red...

I told her I was just completely sunburnt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_lp
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
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In my my neighbor's home, their huge dog frequently sleeps at the landing at the top of their tall staircase causing a possible tripping hazard. Good advice to them....

Persons in their household should watch their steps, particularly early risers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bardbelle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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I used to have bedsheets with images of one member of a comedy duo from the 1920's, but could never get any good sleep...

I couldn't rest on my Laurels.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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Checking emails gives you a good night sleep

They have a high thread count

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πŸ‘€︎ u/apoorvaShrini
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
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"Good night, no more games, go to sleep now" I say. "But Daddy..." my daughter says...

"And don't call me Buttdaddy! It's disrespectful!" I reply.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dcb720
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2014
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I got picked for this five-day-a-week, year-long sleep study. It pays $15,000 a month.

It’s my dream job.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
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Everyone get a good sleep tonight! Tomorrow we begin a 31 day March!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/terrificturtle
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2018
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My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

Damn near poked my eye out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingJiggaMan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
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Dad: Hey son did you know that there was a kidnapping at a school today?

Son: What happened

Father: The teacher woke him up

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πŸ‘€︎ u/belovedsalty
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2018
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the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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What happens if you throw a Finnish sailor overboard?

Helsinki

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πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
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I'm technically an uncle, but my niece laughed so...

Did you hear about the Cockatiel that was trying to find a new home for his family? He zipped back and forth everywhere, but couldn't find a good spot anywhere. Then he came across a bear, sleeping flat of his back with his mouth wide open. Not recognizing what it was, he thought the bear's mouth would be the perfect spot for a nest. He gathered his family and they all got to work building a new home for themselves, but then the bear woke up. Realizing what was going on, he politely informed them that he couldn't let them nest in his mouth. He hated to do it, but it was quite the bird den to bear.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shatari
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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My wife wants me to be more sensitive. So I got her abacus beads for her birthday.

She said, β€œWhat the hell are these?”

I said, β€œIt’s the little things that count.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2018
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[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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last night, my wife dramatically ripped the blankets off me

Don’t worry i’ll recover

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HoldMeDownSanta
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
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What happens when you do wrong to a scamming Drag Queen?

You gotta deal with the con sequins

[Just thought of this after hardly any sleep. Figures.]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zipflop
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. ..

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa...

I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping...

...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2018
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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I may get fired or promoted... not sure...

My boss was complaining she really needed a nap. I told her she should just go take one.

Boss "Oh yeah cause taking a nap right now would be so easy."

Me "Its so easy you can do it with your eyes closed..."

Cue her rolling her eyes and shaking her head. My director peaked his head out and nodded approvingly though. Respect.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/anix421
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2017
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Dad’s Big Day Out

I witnessed an apple store robbery today, they made me an iWitness. I was already running late, after my wife took my cheese this morning. Even after I told her it was Nacho cheese. She asked what time my dentist appointment was, I told her Tooth hurt-y. But I didn’t end up going, as there was stairs I had to ascend. I don’t trust them, they’re always up to something. Then my wife got really mad at me and said that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

I went straight to the barber for a new look. He asked me if I wanted a haircut? I said no, I want them all cut. Puzzled he would ask such a silly question, I noticed the graveyard across the street looking overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there I thought. I picked up a book about anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down! Shear amazement a barber would have a book like this! I told the barber I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me. He stopped cutting my hair when my ear fell off. He must of realised I was a leper at this point so I paid for his service and told him to keep the tip.

I received a call from my Eastern European mother in law, apparently my child was refusing to sleep during nap time. She told me he’s guilty of resisting a rest. Then she called me straight back to say there was a kidnapping. I rushed to her home to find my kid napping. I was angry by the miscommunication but that anger turned to joy when I realised it was the first day of spring. I got so excited I wet my plants. After which I realised I was late for soccer practice. I’m not a big fan of the sport but I was doing it for the kicks. I decided not to go as I was tired from the night before where I spent the night looking for the sun. Then it dawned on me. Unusual for me, as I’m usually a pretty good sleeper. I can do it with my eyes closed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lovethebigones
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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Every single time I wake up later than 9 A.M.

Dad: "He's alive!!"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BanjoStory
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2013
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One of my favorites.

When I woke up this morning I had some pretty bad "bed head." When I went downstairs my dad made a comment:

Dad: Hey, nice hair

Me: Thanks I spent about 8 hours working on it.

He thought it was hilarious while my mom just groaned.

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πŸ“…︎ May 07 2015
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If we breathe oxygen during the day what do we breathe at night

Nightrogen

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πŸ‘€︎ u/swag-master9000
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
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Grandpa joke

My grandpa told me this joke; mind you, it was in the '90s, before all the computer tech became relevant.

Inventor runs to the patent office:

  • I have a brand new machine idea!
  • What does it do? - asked the official.
  • You know how every man is tired of shaving every single morning? My shaving machine would be placed all over the city, for scruffy lads to just put their heads in the device, and in exchange for a quarter, it would shave their face for them! - replied the inventor.
  • But Sir, every person's face has a different shape!
  • ...At first!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DashcamWarriors
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2015
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I'm so good at sleeping

I can do it with my eyes closed.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Habodude
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
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I'm so good at sleeping

I can do it with my eyes closed!

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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I'm so good at sleeping

I can do it with my eyes closed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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I'm so good at sleeping...

I can do it with my eyes closed!

πŸ‘︎ 149
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joseph-Stalin1945
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
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Imm so good at sleeping

I can do it with my eyes closed

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/X_Equinox_X
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
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I'm so good at sleeping

I can do it with my eyes closed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Papito2018
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
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I'm soo good at sleeping!

I can do it with my eyes closed!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dish_Dash
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
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I'm so good at sleeping

I can do it with my eyes closed

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TJPancaker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
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I'm so good at sleeping

I can do it with my eyes closed!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LiquidMotivation
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
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I’m so good at sleeping

That I can do it with my eyes closed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MarlinsBB
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
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I'm so good at sleeping.

I can do it with my eyes closed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OfficialMRG95
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
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I am so good at sleeping..

That i can even do it with my eyes closed..

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaNGLerR89
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
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I’m so good at sleeping

I can do it with my eyes closed

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pedrophile101
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2017
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I'm pretty good at sleeping...

I could do it with my eyes closed.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bravesaint
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2015
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I'm so good at sleeping

I can do it with my eyes closed.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alfie_13
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
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I'm so good at sleepping

I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XhosaCake
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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