I'm no good at opening jar lids.

I can never seem to pull it off

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Airicz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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Was so proud of my boys. I just asked them what we should call the can opener that just broke. I’m an instant they said, β€œA can’t opener?” They will be good dads someday!

A pic for anyone who wants to see it:

https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/lum6ev/so_if_this_is_broken_would_it_now_be_a_cant_opener/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kileni
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
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Why do astronauts use linux?

because you can't open windows in space.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Niyi_M
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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Help, can someone help me make my elevator pitch more interesting, and can anyone think of a good Egyptian related pun to put as an opener?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScareOdin00608
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
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I normally knock on the fridge door before I open it...

Just in case there’s a salad dressing

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/omniwrench-
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
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I play Chess regularly with my friend, but last time he suddenly said " let's make this interesting "...

..so we stopped and went home.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
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Elon Musk opened a restaurant on the moon. I hear it's pretty good.

Except it lacks atmosphere.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2018
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A guy goes for a drive and his car stalls...

...right in front of a house where there’s a huge party going on. He walks in and notices that the party is somewhat divided. There’s a clear distinction between the people waiting for the bathroom and the people queued up for drinks, etc.

Considering the urgency of the bathroom queue, he walks over to the drinks table and asks everyone there if they wouldn’t mind helping him push his car to get it started. They agree but even with the full might of several people, the car doesn’t budge. He thanks them for trying and they all head back inside.

A little while later, the doorbell rings. The man sees the host open the door to the largest pizza guy he’s ever seen. The behemoth is holding 15 pizzas with one hand, a pallet of buffalo wings with the other, with a keg strapped to each shoulder. The man jumps up and asks the pizza guy for his help pushing the car. He agrees and they head to the street.

With barely one touch of a pinky on one hand, the car lurches forward and starts right up. The man drives off, waving behind him and yelling a quick, β€œThank you.”

As he catches sight of the party fading into the distance, he says to himself...

β€œThank goodness for the delivery because that punch line sure is weak.”

πŸ‘︎ 989
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πŸ‘€︎ u/silashoulder
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture... I told her I’m just looking for matches.
πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
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A Bull and a cow were getting ready for bed.

The bull insistent on having sex until the female cow replied.

β€œ Honey I’m not in the moood.”

I uh I’m gonna go now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheShapehalloween
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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I have to host an early morning staff meeting tomorrow, does anyone have any good openers for an early morning meeting to break the ice?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Famoustitles
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
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My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.

I told him, "My door is always open".

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
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I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.

Can't wait to see his face light up, when he opens it.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
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the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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There were two friends and one of them wanted to open up a gelato shop.

When the friend finally got the location to run the shop he tried to get some experienced and dedicated employees. However, he soon realized that all the good employees for a gelato shop were already working at some nearby locations. So he had to deal with some mediocre people who didn’t care that much about gelatos. Then a day before the opening of the shop the person who was supposed to provide the materials for the gelatos called in as sick. Finally there were also some teenagers who decided to steal some of the decorations.

When the friend told this story the other friend then said,

#β€œMan, you have gelat of problems.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatGuy3036
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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An unemployed engineer opens a clinic..

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.

Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

πŸ‘︎ 393
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tonheatz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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My wife and I just found out she's pregnant with our first child.

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/m_bowker-brown
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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Yeah i know i suck...
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DontFear_Respect
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
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Think of a number between 5 and 15. Multiply by 2, add 3, and subtract 7 from the answer. Now close your eyes.

Dark, isn’t it?

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
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An uninteresting title
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xUchiha_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
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I'm technically an uncle, but my niece laughed so...

Did you hear about the Cockatiel that was trying to find a new home for his family? He zipped back and forth everywhere, but couldn't find a good spot anywhere. Then he came across a bear, sleeping flat of his back with his mouth wide open. Not recognizing what it was, he thought the bear's mouth would be the perfect spot for a nest. He gathered his family and they all got to work building a new home for themselves, but then the bear woke up. Realizing what was going on, he politely informed them that he couldn't let them nest in his mouth. He hated to do it, but it was quite the bird den to bear.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shatari
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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Nothing tops a plain pizza.
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lumikue
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2019
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I think my wife is secretly putting glue on my antique weapon collection.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
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Want to hear my impression of an extractor fan?

I dont like tractors any more

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/matmanlives
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
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Whoever invented the knock-knock joke

should get a no bell prize.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
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Luck rituals in the Australian Open.

I was golfing in the Australian Open for the first time. I noticed all the pros were putting various condiments on their clubs. Salt on a putter, brown sauce on a driver, ketchup on a 9-iron.

I my caddy why they were doing it, and he explained that an Australian thing for good luck.

Now, by that time I had already shot straight into a sand trap so I said to him: "Too bad I didn't know about it. I really could use some of that luck right about now."

He just smiled...

...and gave me a vegemite sand-wedge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrianBoyko
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
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My earliest childhood memory is visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses.

Life before that was a blur.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2018
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I met some chess players in the hotel lobby. They were bragging about how good they are.

It was Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2018
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Counting on you !

My son was just opening his computer this morning to start his school work. I walked my fingers up his arm, counting 1,2,3,4,5. He asked me what I was doing. I told him "Counting on you......to do a good job at school today.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Finewithme2
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
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My wife warned me not to steal the kitchen utensils

But it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Luckj
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2018
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Making puns is so easy, it's really a
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coffeeist
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2017
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There's a new machine that lets dads experience the pain of child birth...

There's this new machine that lets fathers experience the pain of child birth. A couple tried it out...

On the 25% setting the husband didn't feel anything even though the mother's pain eased.

Surprised, they turn it up to 50%. The wife felt less pain and amazingly the husband felt nothing.

The machine was turned up to 100% and the mother gave a pain-free birth to two beautiful twins.

They returned home the next day to find the mailman dead in the front yard.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gr8sk8
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2017
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The recipe said, β€œSet the oven to 180 degrees”

Now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2018
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Puns all the way
πŸ‘︎ 596
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πŸ‘€︎ u/layover_guy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2016
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There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath....

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

  • Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:

  • Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

  • Thank you

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doty152
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
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My Vietnamese driver told me several riddles yesterday, do you know what they were?

First off a six-parter

  1. If there are 500 rocks on a plane and you throw one out, how many are left? A: 499
  2. How do you get an elephant into a fridge? This is a three part process A: open the door, put in the elephant, close the door.
  3. How do you get a giraffe into a fridge? This is a four part process A: open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the door.
  4. All the animals go to heaven for a meeting, but one can't come, why not? A: the giraffe, it's in the fridge.
  5. A weak old lady has to cross a river full of alligators, how does she get across? A: the alligators are at the meeting in heaven.
  6. As soon as the old lady gets across the river she dies, how? A: the rock fell on her head.

No 2 A real cool guy walks into a cafe. He wearing sunglasses, tidy haircut, but just a super cool guy all round. He orders a glass of condensed milk and puts it on his table. Next time the waitress walks past he asks for a glass of black coffee. Now he has a glass of milk and a glass of coffee next to each other, this guy is real cool. Next time the waitress walks past he orders a glass of ice. She's happy to do that for this dude because he is so cool. He mixes the milk and coffee with the ice and stirs with his little spoon. Looks good. The old man that owns the cafe walks up to him and says, 'I see your in the Navy". How did he know?

A: he was wearing a naval uniform.

Anyone know similar nonsense?

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Patyboomba
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
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Dadjoked my son's friends in an online game. Nobody laughed.

Last night I was playing an online game with some of my son's friends, and one randomly texted on the in-game chat: "I just ate an apple. RAW!"

I wrote back, "That's hard core!"

Nobody laughed. At least, that I saw. :(

Edit: Holy moly, it gets mediocre response two days ago when it's posted, then it blows up over the weekend. Thanks for all the upvotes, folks! Love all the other terrible jokes & puns on here!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/akambe
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2014
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Top Secret
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wehopeuchoke
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2013
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I just drove my truck into a building!

Good thing I opened the garage door first.

πŸ‘︎ 166
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MelkorHimself
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2018
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In my family, we like to ridicule whoever gets the fewest amount of gifts at Christmas.

(This is a true story.)

Usually this is my Dad. My Mom will be opening presents all day, and Dad is done after he unwraps his three gifts.

We really give him a hard time and he loves it. He's a champ.

Well one year, we're opening gifts, and my brother's got almost nothing in his little pile. He had recently bought a house and his main gift was a garden hose.

This is exciting because we're gonna just tear into him. He is a good sport and he is ready to bask in the glory of his Christmas failure.

We finish the unwrapping and my Dad looks over to him and says "Well son, you really got hosed this year".

P.S. I am x-posting my own comment from an AskReddit thread at someone's suggestion, and definitely NOT in a shameless quest for karma.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jbenz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
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Texted my daughter's boyfriend to meet me and he dad joked me back.

Me: Meet me at Mo's Egg House at 8AM. The rental place opens at 9AM and we can get some breakfast. Boyfriend: I know eggsactly where that is.

It's nice to know if they get married and have kids my grandchildren will be in good hands.

πŸ‘︎ 663
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πŸ‘€︎ u/imdickie
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2017
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I just had Lasik corrective surgery.

During the consultation on Saturday, my nervous wife accompanied me to learn more about the procedure. She got me pretty good when she said it was an "eye-opening experience."

Rest assured I didn't leave her the last word. After the procedure yesterday, I exited the operating room to find her waiting in a crowded lobby. She looked up at me, and I got her back with "Well aren't you a sight for sore eyes."

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChrisFRKNRogers
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2017
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Funny name for a shop selling Nazi memorabilia?

I've seen a fish and chip shop called Fishcoteque and a kebab shop called Abrakebabra. But what would be a good name for a Nazi memorabilia/antique shop?

Suggestions gratefully received!

(Equiry purely out of interest, no plans on opening one!)

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/frood77
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2016
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A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor

A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor, hoping to get something cool drawn onto his shoulder. He walks up to the artist and shows him a picture of what he wants. In large text on a ribbon it says, "Protect and Serve." Below it, is a picture of a a badge, a pair of handcuffs, and a pistol. The tattoo artist is very good at his job, and says he can get this done in one session, so the officer sits down and the artist gets started. A few hours later, the artist is just finishing up, inking the last details of his service weapon. Once the last line is inked on the trigger, the cop gets up from his chair and looks in the mirror to see his new tattoo. His face twists into a look of shock and terror, pulls out his gun and opens fire onto the tattoo artist, killing him in the process. He gets on his radio, calling for backup, and took a defensive position until a few more cops and the police chief showed to the parlor minutes later. The chief, while examining the scene asks the officer, "What the hell? Why did you shoot this guy?" The cop says, "What did you expect me to do? The guy drew a gun on me!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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A lumberjack died in the woods...

There once was a lumberjack who was known as the hardest working lumberjack in the woods. Old Doolittle Dawort Deigh had a reputation and the complete respect of his coworkers for nearly 60 years. As we all know, tough lumberjacks can’t have sissy names. So many years ago, as was the tradition in the woods, old Doolittle Dawort Deigh was saddled with a nickname and had become known as simply Do Dah.

One tragic afternoon, old Do Dah was working his trade when a tree happened to fall the wrong way. Poor old Do Dah was squished flatter than a lumberjack flapjack. His coworkers, distraught at the thought of breaking the news of Do Dah’s death to his elderly wife, decided that perhaps if bad news was presented in a somewhat good way, it might soften the blow.

So that afternoon, old Do Dah’s fellow lumberjacks gathered on the stoop of the now widowed Mrs. Deigh and hesitantly knocked on the door. It took a few minutes for the old widow to make it across the room to the door. Finally as the door creaked open, the chorus of lumberjacks launched into a rousing rendition of

β™ͺ Guess who died in the woods today β™« Do Dah, Do Dah. β™« Guess who died in the woods today Old Do Dah Deigh. ♬

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/philo-sopher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2017
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My uncle always told me he had a fortune in a safe deposit box. He left me the key in his will.

I went to the bank, trembling with anticipation, got access to the box, took it into the private viewing room. I opened the box and looked in, there was an envelope in side, when I opened it, a folded piece of paper fell out. I read it, and it said: "Good things are ahead for you. Your lucky numbers are 6, 10 and 13."

πŸ‘︎ 427
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SteveHRRT
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2016
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My dad can string this joke out forever. I've seen it go for 20 minutes.

A man gets a new job at the zoo.

On his first day, he still doesn't really understand what exactly he's meant to do, just that it involves the Gorillas. He goes and checks in and the manager sits him down to explain.

"Now look," says the manager, "We've been having some troubles lately with our gorilla. He was acting up, getting really agitated with the environment, so we had to send him away. We told the people that enclosure's being repaired, but we're actually looking for a new gorilla - can you do it for us?"

The man is unsure, but he needs the money, so he agrees, puts on a gorilla suit and goes out there. At first he's a bit mopey, so he sits around a lot.

After a couple of days he begins to warp up and eats a couple of bananas and wanders around a little.

Over the course of the next few weeks he becomes progressively more outgoing, moving around, playing in the jungle gym, hollering around and beating his chest. He's a big hit and everything's going really well for him, until one day he's on his monkey bars and getting really into it, but he slips and flies through the air, over the pit, clears the fence and lands in a pile of bushes in the next enclosure.

He is just beginning to pick himself up, when out of the corner of his eye, he sees something in the foliage.

A pair of eyes lock with his.

It moves closer.

He knows this is it.

He begins to pray.

Suddenly the creature leaps and tackles him - the biggest, ugliest lion he's ever seen!

It leans in close.

He can see every gleaming tooth in it's mouth

He can smell the lion's breath

It opens it's mouth

And from inside the lion he hears a whisper.

"Make this good or we'll both lose our jobs."

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2013
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