My son pulled a good one on me at Knott’s Berry Farm

Dad, if this place is NOT Berry’s farm, then whose farm is it??

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smedidiah
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2022
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Just got my girlfriend good. She grew up on a farm and would go to county fairs to show goats to the crowd

Me: Did you ever show goats outside the state?

Her: I was supposed to go to Virginia with this lady to show for her but she decided she didn’t want to go and cancelled. I checked out like 23 books from the library to prepare for the drive and had to return them all the next day.

Me: Why did you need all those books? You can’t read and drive

Her: I wouldn’t have been driving

Me: You said you had to chauffeur her

I’m proud of this one but she did not love it as much as I did! Hahaha

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlooBlud
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2022
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What farm animals are good for the environment?

Recyclebulls

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikethejoe
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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My friend has a mollusk farm which he says gives him a good workout...

He has big mussels.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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My friend gets a real good workout at his giant bivalve mollusc farm...

He has big mussels!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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My roommate got me good with some farm humor.. .

My roommate and I driving through the country and we see a farmer tilling his field. To each other we sat.. Me: "you till that field " Roommate :" you till it who's boss"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thinkjump13
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2015
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I went to a zoo today and they only had one animal, it was a dog.

It was a shih tzu.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2022
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A farmer is out in the pasture with his Australian Shepherd. After getting all the sheep into their pen, the dog says to the man, "That's it! That's all 50 sheep!" The farmer looks confused and replies, "Fifty?! We only have 46 sheep!"

The dog replies, "Yeah, I rounded them up" 🐢 πŸ˜‰

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ericmbailey
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2022
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A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. β€œI’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. β€œSorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. β€œYou’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. β€œWe don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. β€œWhy not?” one yogurt asks. β€œWe’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, β€œWhat are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, β€œIt’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, β€œArrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbersβ€”some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugasum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
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[meta] Situational Dad Jokes

We have lots of jokes here some good, most not, but that's fine. What we don't have are the "situational" dad jokes, ones that are only funny (for us dad's) in specific situations. I was to collect the classics, so give a situation and then the joke.

Here's example #1, maybe even the ur-dad-joke

When someone stubs their toe: Should I call a toe truck?

A couple more:

When driving past a farm with bundled straw loudly declaring "hay!"

When driving behind an open back horse carrier, declaring "what a horse's ass".

Please share yours!

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2022
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Why does Waldo from where’s Waldo wear stripes?

He doesn’t wanna be spotted

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shop_Kooky
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2022
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I don’t consider myself a chocoholic but these fake Oreos are totally addictive.

Hydroxycontin

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2022
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Why shouldn't you have phone sex?

You might get hearing aids

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ultimate_Spider
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2022
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Not mine
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phoo_yone
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
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There was once a horse living on a farm....

And he was a very talented guitarist, so good in fact that one day his friend the chicken turned to him and asked would he like to be in a band with him. The horse of course agreed he and the chicken who played the drums went looking for a singer and a bassist. They decided to approach the Sheep who was the best singer on the farm, the Sheep agreed and told them about how the Pig was a pretty good bass player so they all asked him to join the band and he agreed.

So The Barnyard Animals got to work practicing and rehearsing their little hearts out. They started playing open mic nights and gained some traction. After a few years they managed to get signed by a major record label and The Barnyard Animals became an international phenomenon. They toured in every country for the better part of a decade until they finally decided retire. The Horse decided to settle down in English countryside, the Chicken went to Australia, the Pig went to Japan and the Sheep went to New Zealand.

A few years later Gary Barlow contacts the Horse about getting The Barnyard Animals back together for a big charity Live Aid type concert in Wembley. The Horse contacts his band mates and they all agree. So the Pig, the Sheep and the Chicken all fly out to Singapore and get the same connection to London. But in a terrible turn of events the plane crashes and all The Barnyard Animals apart from the horse die in a fiery inferno.

The horse upon finding out that his oldest friends have all died goes into a deep depression. He locks himself in his house and tries to drink his pain away. A few weeks later when every bottle of anything that could be drank had been drunk. He puts on his hat and sunglasses so no one would be able to recognise him and heads to the closest pub. So the Horse walks into a bar and the barman says "Hey, why the long face?"

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2021
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I tried to out-dadjoke my dad today...

"Hey. Hey duhtrutho. Hey!"

"Hay is for horses and other farm animals, Dad."

"Well good thing you're a jackass, now get over here and look at this."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DuhTrutho
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2014
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Regarding the diets of dairy cows.

I grew up in Vermont. Around my town were plenty of dairy farms, inviting the always wonderful manure aroma. An aroma that nearly forced my father to inhale deeply through his nose, saying, "Ah, fresh Vermont air!"

That's an excellent Dad one liner, as are most dad jokes, but he had another great one that I'm getting to.

You see, the hay bails we saw growing up in Vermont were mostly the cube variety. Hay bailing technology at the time created cubes of hay, so that's what dotted the fields they'd graze in.

As we grew older, we starting noticing the now more common round bails of hay. Dad was not pleased.

I asked him what the problem was or, at least, what his problem was with the round bails. The best jokes are set up when you ask for them.

So, he tells me. New farming technology allowed the round bails to be created more efficiently. They used less fuel in the bailers, took less passes on the field to gather the hay. They used less twine, and even though they didn't fill a truck as well as square bails, there was still a net monetary gain from the efficiency gained elsewhere.

However, studies were done on the bails. The cows approached them differently due to the different alignment of surface area. The way the rain hit the bails and rolled off as opposed to soaking in leached nutrients out of the hay. Some cows even mistook the shape of bail for another animal, and approached them so nervously that their heart rates were known to raise significantly; such a rate that a tinge of acidity could be tasted by those in the know in their milk.

What all of this amounted to... is that with the new round bails of hay, the cows just weren't getting a good square meal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/estomasi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2013
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My son will make a great dad someday.

Wife and I were in the kitchen talking about these new steaks we've been getting from Farm Boy. She's worried we won't be able to find such good steaks when we move.

Teenage son walks in the room, "sounds like you guys are having a pretty high-stakes conversation."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jesusporkchop
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2014
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Is Michael Giacchino the greatest Star Trek Dad Joker in the world?

He must have it in his Genes.

But seriously check out his Star Trek track listings. The guy loves a good pun.

Star Trek

  1. Star Trek

  2. Nailin' The Kelvin

  3. Labor Of Love

  4. Hella Bar Talk

  5. Enterprising Young Men

  6. Nero Sighted

  7. Nice To Meld You

  8. Run And Shoot Offense

  9. Does It Still McFly?

  10. Nero Death Experience

  11. Nero Fiddles, Narada Burns

  12. Back From Black

  13. That New Car Smell

  14. To Boldly Go

  15. End Credits

Star Trek Into Darkness

  1. Logos / Pranking The Natives

  2. Spock Drops, Kirk Jumps

  3. Sub Prime Directive

  4. London Calling

  5. Meld-Merized

  6. The Kronos Wartet

  7. Brigadoom

  8. Ship To Ship

  9. Earthbound And Down

  10. Warp Core Values

  11. Buying The Space Farm

  12. The San Fran Hustle

  13. Kirk Enterprises

  14. Star Trek Main Theme

Star Trek Beyond

  1. Logo and Prosper

  2. Thank Your Lucky Star Date

  3. Night on the Yorktown

  4. The Dance of the Nebula

  5. A Swarm Reception

  6. Hitting the Saucer a Little Hard

  7. Jaylah Damage

  8. In Artifacts as in Life

  9. Franklin, My Dear

  10. A Lesson in Vulcan Mineralogy

  11. MotorCycles of Relief

  12. Mocking Jaylah

  13. Crash Decisions

  14. Krall-y Krall-y Oxen Free

  15. Shutdown Happens

  16. Cater-Krall in Zero G

  17. Par-tay for the Course

  18. Star Trek Main Theme

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thegeneral400
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2018
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Propeller Farms

When I was little, some of the first wind farms were going up in CA along 101. Dad would tell us that the "propeller farms" were where new propellers trained before they could be put onto an airplane.

Every once in a while, we saw workers on the hillside pulling one down and he's say, Oh, look! That one graduated!" Yeah, that sold it for us.

Being a good Dad, my own wee young'uns had all been instructed in the ways of propeller farming.

This evening, well over decade later, my daughter starts laughing her ass off and shaking her head. "OMG, Dad. Those are not propeller farms!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kpetrie77
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2016
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Politicians and Guns

My apologies for this joke having a long lead up, but stay with me for a second and you'll understand. With the Ontario provincial elections having come and gone, it had reminded me of this getting dad joked by my uncle and a bit of underlying sarcasm that goes along with politics and the voting process. I was at my uncles farm and we were setting up for some target practice for my son and his buddy. My uncle says to me go into the shop there in the left front corner and grab one of those targets I have. As I execute my search for such item I see that they are old politic yard signs with paper targets stapled over top. I come out teasing my uncle that it looks like he's now supporting the green party, to which he reply's (queue dad joke).....

"Figured Id give 'em a shot"

Now let that sink in like I had too!

Damn he's good, and at age 78 Im totally impressed!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dontwanttosleep
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2014
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Got my dad tonight!

Let me preface this by saying that we live on a farm with a truly evil rooster who will attack anyone and everyone.

The fed-ex guy dropped off a package my dad had ordered, and my parents asked if he'd had any trouble with the rooster. I said he hadn't. They were like, "Good. That might've been a lawsuit waiting to happen or something."

And I said, "Yeah, maybe we should put up a Beware of Rooster sign, so we can't get sued for fowl play."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vocabularri
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2014
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Proud father of a 6 y/o dad joker

My 6y/o daughter just hit me with this one:

"How does the man in the moon cut his hair?"

"Eclipse it!"

She got a full on dad joke groan out of me, and I couldn't be prouder. <3

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πŸ‘€︎ u/loopgru
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2021
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How do you get a farm girl to like you?

A tractor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The-MEGA-O
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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How do you get a farm girl to marry you?

First, a tractor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/asiers
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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I love telling dad jokes.

Sometimes he laughs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/robar98
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
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My dad's favorite story.

My Dad tells this story all the time. He goes into great detail about what we bought at the mall and what the pig looked like, just to make it more believable. It usually takes a good 20 minutes to tell the story, it's nearly impossible to keep a straight face.

Did I ever tell you about the time we hit a pig on the highway? We were driving home from the mall and all of a sudden, BAM, we hit a pig. We didn't know what to do. The car wasn't damaged and we couldn't see what happened to the pig, so we just drove home. That night, we get a phone call and it's the police. "Sir, were you driving on I85 this afternoon", the police officer says. "Yes, I was officer" "Did you know it's against the law to leave the scene after running over a farm animal? That will be a $500 fine", says the officer. "No sir I didn't know it was against the law. But I've got to ask, how did you know it was me that ran over the pig?" The police officer responds, "The pig squealed"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Groccolli
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2013
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