I can get a good amount of cream cheese on a bagel faster than anybody. Then I showed my kids and my friends how I do it, and they do it too.

I’m a super-spreader.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/1401rivasjakara
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2022
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I had a really good cheese joke to share with you guys...

But now I Camembert it.

πŸ‘︎ 966
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnkorean
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2022
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I'm trying to write a good joke about Swiss cheese

It's almost there just has some holes in it

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryan_trucker
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2022
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A Chihuahua and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink, when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Bulldog says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."

πŸ‘︎ 107
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?

Shreddar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/karl_oskar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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Adult deer may not taste good covered in melted cheese

But their fawn do.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brendan_07
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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I couldn’t think of a good Blue Cheese joke to share for my Cheese Day...

So instead, tell me your best and maybe even... cheesiest... joke that you’ve used for your own Blue Cheese Day!!

Edit: Apparently that’s a Cake. Damn it. I probably could have found a sweet cake joke to use.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AFUSMC74
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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Shredded cheese isn't just good

It's grate

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Explorer3879
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine

But personally I think shredded is grater

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DemigodRob
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2018
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I took a cheese shredding class, but wasn't very good at it. I nearly failed.

It was D grating

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stupidlyugly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
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There's no such thing as a good story about Swiss cheese.

There's always too many holes in the plot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kashindabank
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
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Shredded cheese is a good idea

But whoever invented the machine for making it had the greater idea

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uglyoldbob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2018
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I normally like a good conversation about cheese however, it's not this case oh
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bjhoneycut2478
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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There are good cheese puns and bad cheese puns.......

Between them, there’s a gruyerea.

(credit goes to M. McKean)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/usetheforcechewey
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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Holy, holy, holy! Good Cheese Almighty!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dailia-
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2018
🚨︎ report
My friend complemented me about how good I was a cooking Mac and cheese.

I said β€œthanks, it’s a special craft β€œ.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bubbs67
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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Pizza is not only good with cheese,

But to top it all off you also need pepperoni

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
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A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. β€œI’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. β€œSorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. β€œYou’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. β€œWe don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. β€œWhy not?” one yogurt asks. β€œWe’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, β€œWhat are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, β€œIt’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, β€œArrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbersβ€”some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugasum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
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My wife asked me why I knocked on the refrigerator door before opening it?

I told her because there might be a salad dressing.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2022
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Did you hear about the narcissistic cheese monger?

He thought he was grater than everyone else.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnxietyIsEnergy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2022
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What do you call a mouse giving a TED talk?

A public squeaker 😎

(Punchline brought to you by my girlfriend who I love ❀️)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lizardho07040422
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2022
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Did you hear about the italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. Theres nutelling what can happen next... His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There's just not mushroom left for italian chefs in this world... Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it... You never sausage a tragic thing. Its such a shame good people die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace... My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeastπŸ™πŸ»β€οΈ

Wow! Im so glad so many people laughed at this joke, I got so much happy feedback from everyone lol thank u sm for all the rewards and upvotes, my week couldnt get better!😁

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iLoveRaviolis
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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My 8 year old recognizes a Dad joke

She helped mom prepare dinner yesterday and said she grated all if the cheese.

I asked if she gave it a good grade or a bad grade

She immediately brightened and said "a Dad joke!"

So proud. Sniff

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ztreHdrahciR
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2021
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[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lactose.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timmy6169
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2018
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Some of the gem's of Steven Wright

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1 Β  - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2Β Β  - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3Β Β  - Half the people you know are below average.

4Β Β  - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 Β  - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7Β Β  - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 Β  - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 Β  - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ksbalaji
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
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My dad tried to take the phone from me, saying he could get us a better deal on internet.. I hate this man, lol

He took the phone, and said, in the voice of Freddie Mercury, "Is this the wi-fi? Is this just fantasy?...Caught in a landline, we don't need AT&T.." and then passed the phone back. We already have AT&T, and I WAS ON THE PHONE WITH A FRIEND THAT DOES ACCOUNTING?, NOTHING TO DO WITH SOMEONE CALLING OUR HOUSE. No more Crockpot broccoli and cheese soup using weed butter for him. Good god... I'm almost impressed. We also haven't had a landline in years. God bless this small dog weilding, vaping man.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cracksniffer666
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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The Blitz of Puns

It really grinds my gears when people say stick-shift is obsolete.

Most people like their music bass-boosted, but it seems like too much treble.

When an astronaut drinks tea, he takes a big space-sip.

The best electricity puns are live wires. Coppers really don’t know how to resist these in a coil. If you make enough of this type of pun you can really blow their fuses. You need to be smart about how you conduct these so you don’t overload your capacitors.

The only kind of rap I like is the wrapping paper on gifts.

Scissors always cut to the point.

Airplane puns always fly overhead. You have to be careful so you don’t stall out. Always use better judgement so you nose how to dive. When used correctly, this pun classification can really propel to infinity and beyond. However, if misused, the fall from grace is full of turbulence.

When working with electricity puns always make sure to be grounded to prevent shocking results.

Mr. Tea says, ”Don’t be a fool, stay in school!”

i c e i c e w a t e r

Architecture is an aspiring career path.

β€˜Pun’ puns don’t add up. The are starting to get negative receptions.

I’ll do algebra. I’ll even do calculus. But graphing is where I draw the line.

Plants should always rooted in the ground.

Never argue with people when they are right or nobody will be left hanging out with you.

Rocks make boulder moves. This means they are pelite and not jagged. Don’t take these puns for granite.

Cheese puns are grate because you don’t have to ask for parmesan to use them.

Eskimos have cold personality. It is an ice society, but some of their history chills my spine.

My dog died a few years ago. It was really ruff.

I am not a fan of wind turbines.

Life is like driftwood. You never know where you will float.

Christmas lights stick together. When one goes out, they all do.

Puns about communism are only funny if everyone gets them.

Rocket scientists cannot fuel around or something bad can happen.

A baker is someone who kneads to make baked goods.

I sometimes wear stripes to avoid being spotted.

Sponges are great at absorbing liquids.

Contrary to the name, relationships have nothing to do with boats.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zmanofdoom95
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
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Dad made a cheesy pun

Was making some mac n cheese with my dad and while grating the cheese my dad belts out in a thick Scottish accent, "This is going to be great!" Never rolled my eyes so hard and he had the biggest dumb smile on his face. The mac and cheese did turn out pretty good though.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ILikeBlazing
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2016
🚨︎ report
I challenged, I failed. Dad triumphs.

My friend asked this on her wall on facebook.

Anyone else suffering from electricity shortage?

Dad: Nope. That would be shocking! Or revolting.

Me: Ohmm...These puns are so ampty..needs to be more electrifying

Dad: OP, Watt??

Dad: The puns are the current thing.

Me: I hope nobody breaks the circuit of these puns.

Dad: Wire you worried about that? They'll just socket to ya!

Me: This is such a Polarity moment. Say Cheese, Brofs SPARK

Dad: Don't be negative. Try alternating. It's not terminal.

Me: You have bested me, You win. #dadjokes too good

The Dad is strong, too strong.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kurizmax
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2014
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After the stock market crash, the former millionaire was depressed

He was used to living the good life, and all the perks that go with it. His refined palette missed the fine dining, at five-star restaurants run by top chefs. Now reduced to eating macaroni and cheese with hotdogs, he looked down at his plate and contemplated suicide.

It was a wurst case scenario.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2017
🚨︎ report
Feta Cheese

Wife: I got this feta cheese from the new Mediterranean market in town. It's so good!

Me: there was a famine in Lebanon a few years ago where they used that cheese to end the crisis.

Wife: ...

Me: it feta lotta people.

Wife: I hate you

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshWithaQ
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2018
🚨︎ report
The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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[Meta] Can anyone think of a good dad joke gift idea?

I wanted to make my Dad a chainsaw for Christmas, but I'm not sure if we have the saw and I don't want to ruin a perfectly good chain for it.

Can anyone think of another dad joke gift, like a quarter pounder with cheese?

EDIT: I did the quarter-pounder with cheese. I used little rubber bands, (The kind kids make bracelets from) popsicle sticks and a rolled-up piece of sturdy paper. If anybody wants to make it, let me know and I'll go into more detail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ancel3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2015
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ham and cheese and ham

Me: "Lol, in University I make a ham and cheese sandwich for like every meal"

Mom: "Don't you wanna eat something more healthy?"

Me: "No mom, it's so good and so easy to make"

Mom: "But also so unhealthy to eat it all the time"

Dad: "Hah, so why don't you just make a cheese and ham sandwich instead of a ham and cheese sandwich? Must be way healthier! HAHAHAHA lmfao...."

-silence-

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ultracrax
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2017
🚨︎ report
Day after thanksgiving leftovers

My dad made himself a turkey and cheese sandwhich and I asked for a bite. Me: "Oh thats good" Him: "No its actually Gouda"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jpkolbush
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2016
🚨︎ report
I went to the moon, and it wasn't great

It had no atmosphere at all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PayNoNoticeOfMe
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2022
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You know what they say about cutting butter in half!

But…………

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πŸ‘€︎ u/carroll1981
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2022
🚨︎ report
What are the advantages of living in Switzerland?

Honestly, for me, the flag is a big plus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ojasj2007
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2022
🚨︎ report
Company came over and we had nothing in the house, so my wife wanted to put out my gourmet cheeses. I refused but she said I had to be a good host

But I don’t give Edam!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2019
🚨︎ report
124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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So cheesy...

Me: why do we have to shred our own cheese? Can't we just buy some already shredded?

Dad: trust me, it's for the grater good.

Me: proceeds to cut the cheese in silence

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AweAttacker
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2014
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Daughter: Dad, your jokes are cheesy

Me: Well sometimes you need a little cheese to make jokes taste better.

Daughter: Dad, that's corny

Me: well corn and cheese taste good together, right?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/d2_ricci
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2018
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Egg on the pan, egg on the plate

I (husband) am good at making egg dishes for breakfast. Me and the wifey were talking about the first time I met her family, when I made them an omelette with goat cheese and spinach. They were all very impressed.

Wifey: "My parents never cooked like that when I was growing up. For them, it was just egg on the pan, egg on the plate."

Me: "I can see how that would be unpleasant, especially if they didn't crack the shells first."

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fudgebert
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2013
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