[Request] Need a terrible terrible just god awful pun

My girlfriend bet me I couldn't find a pun so bad that she'd tell me to shut up and fuck off and die. Naturally I want to prove her wrong. Any and all help is appreciated

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๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
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Bruno Marsโ€™ โ€œUptown Funkโ€ Music Video Is God Awful

Donโ€™t believe me? Just watch...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AJ-Naka-Zayn-Owens
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 08 2018
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Settle a pun debate

I asked two friends for the best pun Bond would utter if he'd just shoved a bad guy into a huge industrial deep-fat fryer. Their responses were:

Friend #1: "Play with fryer, get burnt.
(Isn't there an old saying of don't play with fire unless you want to get burnt?)"

Friend #2: "Why is my instinct to say cool off there?
Let's assume it's christmas. 'Thats a real Crisped Kringle' is what I'd say
Or do I know the guy's dad? Let's say I do. 'Youre a chip of the old block'"

I know, I need new friends. Do me a favour redditors and please tell me whose pun is least awful? And if you have any better ones, I'm all ears! (Mine was "Thank God it's fry day", I'm sure you can all do better).

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/creaky_thumbs
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Where do Muslim llamas come from?

Alpacastan! ...I'm not sorry.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SamTMartian
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
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Dadjoked a girl on Tinder

We'd been talking for a few days, already had a plan to meet up at by this point.

Me: Hey! How's your day going?

Her: Good, thanks! Just went to Petsmart and bought medicine for my betta fish, walking home now. His fins are falling off, the poor guy.

Me: Aw, I hope he gets betta.

Her: Oh god

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Quiddity99
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 06 2014
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Care to create a pun for change?

I'm working on a silly project for my job, and I'm trying to come up with punny fake names for the name tags. I work at a community bank - anything finance and banking product or industry related is good, I am god awful at puns and so far I've only got these:

Ann U. Ities Dee Posit Owen A. Lott

Punmasters and fans, lend me your talents? :)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/outfoxthefox
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 15 2016
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Jokes about atheism...

are God awful.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Freklred
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 09 2016
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My wife doesn't even hear my jokes anymore...

Not a dad yet, but:

I've been working on fixing my god-awful penmanship lately, so I'll spend quite a long time writing the alphabet, transcribing tv show lines, or just page after page of single letters.

The other night, I had about half a page of capital B's done. My wife looks at it and asks what I'm doing. I reply, "Oh, just writing a letter."

She pretended she didn't hear it and just carried on with what she was doing. :(

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/rootyb
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 21 2014
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DontFuckWithMyMoney
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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Do you know how many people are dead in that cemetery?

All of them.

Dad told this to me while passing a cemetery with the stupid shit eating grin he wears whenever he tells his god awful jokes.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/troyboltonislife
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 03 2015
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Every New Year's Day

My dad: "Oh my god, I smell awful. It's been one year since I last took a shower!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Athemoe
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 31 2013
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Swiffer pads.

About a week ago, tonic water exploded out of the bottle as I was opening it, showering the kitchen. I was cleaning up, and decided to bust out the swiffer pad, because it's faster. (Heh.)

Anyway, this is the conversation that followed between my girlfriend and I.

> Her - Ugh those swiffer pads smell awful.

> Me - Really? Huh. I hadn't noticed.

> Her - Yeah, remind me to pick some up at the store.

A short silence.

> Me - Hey babe...?

> Her, leaving the room - I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU ARE REMINDING ME TO BUY SWIFFER PADS RIGHT NOW.

> Me - I'm not! Just wanted to say I love you.

> Her - Awww that is so sweet!

> Me - Also, remember to buy swiffer pads when you go to the store.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/theintention
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 14 2014
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